Attachment Play with Shelley Clarke

In this solo episode Shelley Clarke dives into the nine different styles of attachment play  within the Aware Parenting philosophy.  Shelley shares with us how she has used playful ways to connect with her own children and how you can get started using some of these games in your own home.

In this episode you'll learn about:
- the power of attachment play for helping with behavioural or transitional challenges
- why its important to understand as a parent that play is our children's first language
- what to do on the days you don't have the energy to play
- why it may be difficult to meet your child in play and how you can shift that
- how role reversing the power dynamic with you and your child is actually the key to connection

If you are wanting to understand the different ways you can bring play into your home and how you can start that today, then this is the podcast episode for you!

21 days of play course

Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
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This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. 

 Welcome to the Mind, Body, Parenting podcast, I'm your host Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things Mind and Body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in… 

Welcome back to the Mind Body Parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. And today it's an episode just with me talking about attachment play. So a couple of weeks ago, I did an introduction on Aware parenting. And a big part of Aware of parenting is using playful ways to connect with our children. And I said, I would do a whole episode on Attachment play. So if you want to know more, you can go back and have a listen to the Aware parenting episode as well. So attachment play is part of aware parenting, which is founded by Dr. Aletha Solter. And she's written a book, she has written five books, actually, but there's a whole book on Attachment play. So I will put the link in the show notes for the book, and where you can go and find that because it is a wonderful book. But today, what I wanted to do was cover the nine different styles of attachment play. And I want to give this as a fairly brief introduction, I'll try and keep it brief. So that you get an idea of the types of attachment play, and then you can go and find out more, I have more on my website, I actually have a course called 21 days of play. This is a very affordable, small, short course, it's $97 Australian dollars. And it's 21 videos, 10 minute little videos, where we talk about these types of play, and how we would incorporate play into our everyday parenting with our children. So that’s there as well. So this is going to be a overview of attachment play and how we would use it with our kids. The first thing I wanted to do is read a little poem that's at the start of attachment play book. And the author is an unknown, but it's adapted by Aletha Solter. So it's in the start of her attachment playbook. And it goes like this. “I tried to teach my child with books, he gave me only puzzled looks. I use clear words to discipline. But I never seemed to win. despairingly, I turned aside, how shall I reach this child, I cried, into my head, he put the key, come, he said, play with me.”

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And I really liked that as a little way to start this episode. Because our children really do speak to us in play. Naturally, for children this is their kind of first language, this is how they experience the world is through play. And often parents might say to me, I don't know what's going on for my child. And it's not until the ages of sort of 7,8,9 that they often have the language skills to, and some kids are very, you know, a different obviously, some might have language skills earlier than that. But generally, it's around that age that they are able to come to us and say this is what's happening. And even then, I would say that many adults don't know exactly how we're feeling underneath. And that, that emotional literacy takes a long time to develop. And so often, our children will come to us and say, play with me, which really means “Hey, I've got something going on here. Can I tell you about it?” Or can I show you through play. So, you know, that is how our children will, will try and sort of pull us into their world. Now, it can be hard for us parents to join them in their play, because we've often got a long list of things to do. There's often work and the House and the cleaning and the cooking and all the things that we have to do. And it can be really hard to prioritise, spending that time with our children. So I really want to have so much compassion for ourselves, if you're listening to this and think, oh, I don't like playing or I haven't played much. I really want to, I want to send you so much love. And I want to say this with the most compassion because I know that sometimes. I don't play all the time with my children. Absolutely. There are days where I'm like, Oh, I just do not have the energy. What can I do that's, you know, anything but playing. So I really do understand the feelings that come up when often I'm talking to parents and we say about playing and they're like playing. So before I get into the types of attachment play, I wanted to just preface it by saying, I know how hard it is to play with our kids. And I'm sending you lots of love and compassion, if you find that, that play hard. It's really hard to play with our children. If, if we will never played with ourselves if no one has ever modelled that to us, if we don't, didn't experience that ourselves as children, it can be really hard to meet our children in this playful way. So lots of love and compassion first. And I also want to say that we can shift our stories around play, we can become more playful, it's like a muscle, we can, you know, we can build up strength, we go to the gym, and we build up muscle strength, it's the same thing we can build our play muscle, and the more we kind of do it, the more we respond playfully, that then becomes our go to, and that then becomes our, our normal. And so lots of love and compassion for ourselves. But also, sometimes I say to parents, you know, looking at our own stuff that's coming up, is always a really good place to start. So if, if we do find it hard to play, maybe ask yourself, why is that? You know, what part of me has forgotten to play and asking some questions like, Who played with me when I was little? If I had someone to play with me, what would I have played. And sometimes,

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when I'm working with parents, it's around helping them to remember, what does play look like for you now as an adult, it can be quite hard in, you know, caught up in the day to day adult stresses that we all have, that we forget to kind of be playful, and we forget to or we've forgotten how to dance and sing and move our bodies and whatever it might be that you really enjoy doing. Coming back to those playful that playfulness within you, is a really good place to start. You know, maybe it's an art class or a dance lesson or a singing lesson, or going to the beach or going for a bike ride or going to the gym, what are the playful ways that you that you can bring into your life so that there's play in your world, because then it's much more enjoyable and easy to kind of be playful with our children when we've had our own play cups filled up. So they are the few little things that I wanted to talk about before I dive into the nine types of attachment play. And this really does come from aware parenting, I do want to say in hand in hand parenting, they do have the tool called Play listening. And really, it's very similar in play listening, the child is taking on the more powerful role you're following the laughter. So they're, they're very similar tools. In a way parenting with attachment play. Dr. Aletha Solter just defines the types of play in a little more detail. So she describes nine different types of attachment play, which is what I wanted to touch on today. So the first one is non directed child centred play. And this in hand in hand parenting, this is the tool called special time. In a web parenting, Marian Rose has often used the word present time because we're being present with our children. And so whatever you call it, one on one time with your child, and so non directed child centred play, it's a very long way of saying, we are following the child's lead. So this is where you would say to your child, hey, I've got 10 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour, what do you want to do? And you really are trying to follow your child's lead, and you join them in their play. If they are playing trains, you really follow the play. If they're building blocks, you're doing that if they're wanting to role play, you're following along and they're directing the play. And when we meet our children in this way, we really can see what is going on for them. You they will show you very quickly. What's underneath, there's always a purpose to their play. And if you come in at it with a lens of Hmm, I wonder what they're trying to show me here. Or I wonder what they're trying to tell me here. What is the conversation here and if I'm listening, you're listening through play and you're bringing your whole body and your presence and your attention and you're aware Tennis, and you really try to listen to them. So that's non directed child centred play, it's a great place to start. And that's where I would say to parents start here, just start by setting a timer, we set a timer so that adults and the children know that for this amount of time, you've got my full attention. There's no distractions, no phones, no answering calls, emails, no getting to start distracted with washing. It's like, this is my time, and I'm dedicating it to, to you and to the child. So that's why we set a timer.

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Also, some parents will say to me, oh, but I'm with my kids all the time. So I don't necessarily need to do the timer thing. You know, I play with my kids all day. And this is very different than playing and being around our kids all day long. Because, you know, often we're folding washing, or we're getting dinner ready, or we're doing something around the house, and we might play with him for a bit. And then we duck out. And we kind of play alongside them. Or we're doing a bit of, you know, a we end up playing Lego with them. But we build our own LEGO car. And they're doing their own thing. So we're kind of there next to them. But we're not really present in the game. And so this is really specific, it's like 10, or 15 minutes of powerful presence. And that can you know, that depth of presence is actually really, you know, the child knows that you're there with them, you're right there. And it's very different to kind of being alongside them for a whole day. Hopefully, that makes sense. So the next one is symbolic play. So symbolic play is where our children will play out the scenario that is going on for them in their life. So they'll play out, they're using their toys, or Teddy's or their cars, or blocks, or whatever it might be. Or it might be role playing, where they're playing out what's going on for them. And this is so powerful. So you can play kiddies, you can play schools, you can play mums and dads, you can play doctors, you can play dentists, you can play out, if your child's scared of dogs, you can play dogs, and you know, all of a sudden your child is directing the play. They are playing out what they're feeling. And this is a really wonderful way of starting the conversation. It's almost like, you know, you're saying to your child, hey, do you wanna play toilet toileting? You know, maybe they're learning how to go to the toilet. And, you know, they'll use symbolic play to process what's happening for them. Now, your child might bring this up on their own. Or sometimes we might say, Hey, do you want to play schools. And that's like us starting the conversation. And then we sit back a little bit, and we just see where they take it. So symbolic plays really powerful. Next type of play is contingency play. So contingency play is where our behaviour is contingent on what the child does. And so for example, they might be sitting on our lap, and they touch our nose, and we stick our tongue, or they pull our ear, and we make a noise, or they touch our shoulder and our body shakes. And so then it's like one of those kind of robot button machines, where every time they do the same action, they get the same, you know, the same results, and they touch our nose, again, they stick her tongue out. And this really helps our children feel in control. So they're in a more powerful role, they get to be in control of what happens. And it really helps with feelings of powerlessness. It really helps with building safety in the in the relationship because they know what our reaction is going to be. And to often at Big can be quite funny and they giggling and laughing. And the laughter really is the powerful part in attachment play because they're getting to release and let go and express any feelings and tension that they're holding on to around whatever it is they're playing. So contingency play in an older child might and my children love this game is where they often jump on my back and grab hold of my ponytail and use my ponytail as a gear stick. And so you know, my nine year old loves this game where he's in control of where we go, and you know, he pulls my ponytail left, and we go left, pulls it forward, we go forward and then all of a sudden he He's controlling me around the house running me into walls bumping into chairs, we end up laying on the couch or whatever it might be. But he's in control and my behaviour is contingent on what he does.

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It's really powerful, really great for kids that might feel powerless, a lot of feel like they're wanting to control, you know, we might have two or three year olds that are wanting to control everything, play a game where they are in control of you in the game. And it's really powerful, you can see them become more flexible outside of the game. Then we have nonsense play, and nonsense plays, as its says it's nonsense, bringing silliness laughter to any situation will always lighten the mood and help us connect with our children. So it might be funny, talking, funny, walking, tripping over being the fumbling bumbling one as you're trying to read. And, you know, maybe your child's learning to read. And it's, you know, there's a bit of anxiety around it. And so bringing some nonsense and laughter will really help shift the feelings around whatever it is, that could be food nonsense. Nonsense, play around dinner time is so powerful, it makes every it makes dinner more enjoyable. Everyone relaxes a little bit. And all of a sudden, you know, everyone's eating dinner. And there's no power struggles and battles and things like that. Then we have separation games, separating games are as they sound as well, working on feelings of separation. And so this might look like simple things for a baby or a toddler, like hide and seek Peekaboo, those sorts of things, any sort of as your child's starting to crawl, or walk any game where they're running away from you. And you're saying, no, come back, don't leave, they get to laugh and giggle about all the times that you've had to leave or all the times that they've felt some feelings around being separated from you. So separation games are wonderful. And they can even be right up into school age, you know, eight, nine year olds, where you might as you're doing a drop off, you might play a game called sticky hands, where you sort of hold them tight and say, Oh, no, my hands have stuck to you, I'm gonna have to hold you for the whole day. And then your child, you know, goes to run away and you're like, No, no, I'm stuck to you. And all of a sudden, they're in the more powerful role. There's lots of laughter and giggling and drop off becomes so much easier, because you've had a little laugh, laughter shifts that tension, maybe they're a little bit afraid to kind of separate from you, they're having a hard time being dropped off, or whatever it is, but playing some bringing some nonsense, and some of these separation type games can really make that whole process so much more enjoyable for everybody. We also would use nonsense games for drop off around doing silly waves, goodbye, you know, an E wave and elbow wave, you know, an eye wave and it's a bit of a blink, you know, adding some nonsense in can really help. So separation games, really helpful if your child's having any anxiety around drop off or childcare or school so So bringing in some separation games. Next game that Dr. Aletha Solter talks about is power reversal games. And this really is a huge one. It there is power reversal in every single game, really, in every single type of attachment play, the child takes on that more powerful role. And you become the one that's scared or unsure or weaker. And this does a couple of things. One, it helps them to process feelings of powerlessness. If you think about how a child does not have, you know, a huge amount of autonomy, we try and give them as much autonomy and choice as possible. But there are things in their day that they don't have power over. And so many children feel powerless. And this is a way to help kind of counteract or balance out those feelings of powerlessness when they're in the more powerful role. So this can be like roughhousing games where they get to like a pillow fight and they get to knock you over. It also might be games where, say it's around food and you they're feeding you instead of the other way around and you're saying no No, no, I don't want to eat this. And then, you know, they're making it funny, and they're getting to laugh and giggle anytime that they are in the more powerful role. It really, it really is quite healing for them. You know, we've

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played dogs with my oldest son, and I was the dog and he was the owner. And he got to boss me around, we've played swimming lessons, and I was the student and he was the teacher, with my daughter with played countless hours of kindy. And she was the kindy teacher and I was the kid, we've played schools where I was the student, you know, you get the idea. So really, power reversal games can be anything where the child's in the more powerful role. The next type of play is regression play, and regression play is, oh, my gosh, I didn't even know that this exists until I read this book, and, you know, is incredibly powerful and amazing to witness how children know what they need, and the way they play it out. So regression play is anytime our children are going back to play an earlier age, or to play something that happened to them, you know, in an earlier time, so they will often regress back to being a toddler, or a baby, or, you know, your four year old might start talking in baby talk. Now, as parents, this can be quite annoying. And we can often shut it down and say, Stop talking like a baby. You know, use your words and use your big boy words and all these things that we say. And I'm, again, I'm sending so much compassion, because I've definitely said them all, to you if you've said these things, but really, now that you're aware of this, you can start to look at it and go, Oh, wonder what they working through here. Because when our children regressed back to an earlier time, they're often processing what was going on for them then, or maybe they're trying to get a need met. And you know, if we think about with babies, we often scooped them up, we look at them, we go and get over them. We give them attention, we give them lots of Snuggles. And as children get older, they may get less of that. And so they revert back to being a baby, because they are wanting some of that same attention and connection that we would give a baby. So join them in that play, scoop them up and say, Oh, look, it's little Tommy. Oh, look at him. What do you need, oh my gosh, I'm gonna give this little baby so many kisses or whatever it might be, you know, join them in their aggression play because they do know what they need. And it's really powerful. I've had many times where my children have like, crawled up a t shirt, my T shirt and said, I'm inside your tummy. It's like when I was a baby. And I'm like, oh, okay, let's see where this goes. And they play it out. And I said, What do you need in there? Oh, more time, okay. And they've waited and then have, you know, come out and they've played, you know, they've played that out. We've had times where my daughter, especially around the time that my third child, I was pregnant with my third child, my daughter, who was about three at the time, would play. You know what she went back and did a lot of regression play. What happens when you know, a baby's one month old, six months old, 781 year old, you know, she really played out each of these early baby stages to process a new sibling coming, but also to work through her own stuff and to kind of back being a baby again. And it was really powerful just to watch that unfold and join her in that type of play.

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So regression plays also really powerful. The last couple of play styles or ways of playing activities with body contact, and this is your roughhousing, lots of body contacts, lots of physical closeness, so you know, snuggles even just snuggles in bed or lots of cuddles and lots of closeness, but it also can be, you know, jumping on mom and trying to you know, pull me to the ground and route you know, that roughhousing rough and tumble pillow fights. Lots of times where our children can come and kind of push against us and really use their bodies. This is wonderful for their development does. It's great for their, you know, with my physio lens on, it's great for their proprioception, their body awareness knowing where their body is. is in space where they stop. And when we where we start knowing their strength knowing you know, there's so much body awareness that comes with rough and tumble play and roughhousing from an aware parenting and attachment play point of view. It's the closeness, the connection, the laughter, it's often the you know, that all that aggression, kind of extra in it pent up in energy and frustration that can come out in rough and tumble play that is so important for our children. Especially if you have a child that's like, you know, got a lot of that energy that often is bouncing around. And you know, it might come out sometimes in unenjoyable ways, doing some regular roughhousing and body contact games can be a wonderful way of helping them to process that in a really safe container. Because you're there with them. And you're providing that sense of safety, that they are able to move and express these feelings, activities with body contact is wonderful. The last type of attachment play that Dr. Aletha Solter talks about is cooperation games and activities. So this is any game that we do together as a family in there's so much in our world at the moment with, you know, winning and losing and competition, it can be really hard for children, if all the games we do and all the things in the family is a competition. And so cooperation games at anytime that you're working together as a family, against the, you know, with a common theme. So it might be instead of having two teams when you're playing charades, that you all work together to guess what it is. Or it might be that you're playing board games, or you're playing a game, all together, where you're trying to, you know, make the most numbers or, you know, get the most words or something as a team, or you're trying to work towards a common goal as opposed to against each other. And this can help kids to feel included, that they belong, that they are a part of the family that they are loved, they are loved no matter what, whether they win or lose, you know, sometimes when we're there's always competition, the child can feel that, well, I have to keep winning to receive my parents love, which is not the case as a parent, but that's how I can feel for the child. And so, you know, there'll be certainly be times where there'll be races and things and some kids love that. And other kids really love the cooperation games and don't enjoy the competition types of games. So making sure we're bringing in some cooperation games, as well. Another like a really wonderful one that I use and has a nother purpose of helping to pack up. So if we're packing up as a family, we'll turn that into a game. So it might be that we're picking up blocks, and we're all putting, we're trying to shoot the blocks into a basket. And it's not a competition, it's just like we're all working together to, you know, get the blocks packed up, and it can be fun, and lots of laughter, and all of a sudden, you know, we've all packed up together. And it was been a really connecting game as opposed to, you know, demanding that, you know, they pick up their toys, or whatever it might be, it's a really connecting way of being with our kids. So cooperation, games and activities are really important as well. So there, the nine different types of attachment play, and a little overview for you today.

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So I wanted to say again, that I've got the 21 days of play course, if you really want to if you wanted to know more, and wanted to dive into each one of those games a little deeper. I also know talk about the main kind of areas that might be getting dressed in the morning, transitions, aggression, toileting food, you know, there's a video on each of these topics on how we can bring a bit more play and laughter into into each of these areas. Because really, there is a playful way of being or a game that we can play with any parenting scenario. So yes, 21 days of play is there, I'll put the link into the show notes. And that will be available if you want to explore that a little bit further. So thank you very much for listening today. I really hope you found some little bit there or some little bit of inspiration to play in a way in a different way with your child and I hope that brings more joy and more laughter and more connection into your family thank you very much for listening and I will see you soon.

Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram and Facebook @_Shelleyclark_ 

If you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen, you can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com

Thank you for all you're doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.