Reflecting on 10 years of being a parent with Shelley Clarke.

Listen as Shelley reflects on mothering and parenting for 10 years, speaking to the things she's learned and what she knows now that she wish she knew back then. Grab the tissues as you'll also hear her read aloud a heartfelt and stunningly honest letter she wrote to the 10 years ago version of herself. 
 
In this episode you'll learn about:
- why it is important to celebrate and reflect on the parenting journey so far
- why the inner growth work has been just as much a part of Shelley's parenting as the child rearing
- the powerful way of journaling and documenting to gain clarity on where you're going
- the beauty in being sensitive and honouring emotions
- what the process of moving from lots of mother rage to embracing fun 

If you are wanting a good life, a great relationships with your kids, alongside raising your children as consciously as you can, then this is the podcast episode for you!

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Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

 Shelley Clarke  00:00

I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things mind and body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in. Today's episode is brought to you by kids in Adelaide for all the best events, activities, places to visit and things to do with your kids in Adelaide and around South Australia. Visit www.kidsinadelaide.com.au. Welcome back to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. And today, it's a solo episode from me. And I wanted to talk about being a parent for 10 years, my son turned 10 on the weekend, and I thought this would be a really nice time to reflect on mothering and parenting for 10 years. And also just talk a little bit about the things I've learned. What I wish I knew back then that I know now and I wish all new parents would quit, you know? No. And I've just got a few little words and a letter that I've written for my self for me 10 years ago. So let's dive in. Okay, so where do I start? I think I think I just want to start by celebrating first. And that's why I wanted to mark this podcast and do this other episode. Because if we don't celebrate, our brain just continues to move to the next thing. What's the next thing? What's the next thing? What's the next thing. And if we don't pause for a moment, and really celebrate and let these things sink in, we don't necessarily integrate our learnings or really even notice how far we've come or what we've learned or where we are now. So I really just wanted to take this moment to celebrate being a parent for 10 years and celebrate the fact that we've got a 10 year old and 29 year old me really had not a lot of ideas of what we were saying yes to and what we were stepping into. And I just wanted to honour, this journey that I've been on for the last 10 years in terms of my own mothering and my own parenting, and my own inner growth in inner work that is required of us to parent in this way to show up and parent consciously, and to meet our children. It's a lot of work, it takes a lot of inner work. And I just want to celebrate that I want to spend a few minutes being like, Wow, look how much you've done in 10 years. You know, we've got three kids, and a miscarriage a baby that is looking down on us. So four kids, four births, four deliveries, all very different. And they have all been a portal to my own growth and my own expansion as a mother and a woman and a human. And I just wanted to take a couple of minutes to really honour that. So I'm wondering if you're listening, is there something that you can celebrate today, right here, right now, as you're listening? Is there something that you can say, hey, wow, look at what I've done in the last five years, 10 years? Can you think back to the you that you were 10 years ago, or five years ago and say thank you, wow, look at what we've done. And it could be about anything, it could be about your work. It could be about your kids. It could be about the business you've grown, it could be about anything, but really just taking a few minutes to pause and acknowledge that journey. So I have written a letter to myself, the ME 10 years ago and I wanted to read that out on here. And I also wanted to say do you write letters to yourself? Do you write letters to yourself from the past? Do you write letters to yourself in the future? That is a very powerful way of journaling on of documenting of celebrating of working out what it is that you're wanting for future use. So sometimes I might write a letter for me in 10 years time, and of all the things that I dream of all the things that I wish for, that I'm desire that I'm wanting in our lives. And it can be a way of getting really clear on what it is that you are wanting in the life that you're trying to create. And so anyway, here's a letter that I've written. And it's for me from 10 years ago, things I wanted to say, Oh, I would want to have said to myself, back then D Shelly 29 year old Shelly, wow, honey, you did it. You birthed your son, here he is. I want to say what an amazing job you did. Gosh, I'm never gonna be able to get through this letter. That was so big. And you can rest now, it is so important that you rest. If I was there with you, now, I would tuck you in bed and hold him so that you could sleep. I would feed you warm soup and a lovely cup of tea. And look after you for the first 40 days. I would scoop Bob's up and listen to him while you really had a chance to recover. This postpartum time is so important. And we don't do it. Well here in the Western culture. I would say that it's okay to ask for support. You do not have to do it all or feel like you need to put on a brave face to show the world that you can do this parenting gig. Rest, cry, sleep, feed and recover. That is all you need to do right now. And I would wrap you up. And I would hold you. And I would say what an amazing job you did. You birthed him. He's here. Well done. This first postnatal period wouldn't have hit so hard if we looked after our new mothers with more reverence. The feeding issues, the cracked nipples, the vasospasm the pain, the uncertainty, the prolapse. I would say that this was not your fault. I know for a long time you thought it was and you tried so hard to cover up and to hold it all together. I would say to you that you do not have to hold it all together that none of those things were your fault. None of it was your fault. I would wrap you up and hold you and look after you and listen and allow you time to heal. Wow, this is so much harder than I anticipated reading out. It's bringing up a lot of feelings. This first birth of mine did it really initiate me into parenting and we had a really tough birth and a tough start and tough start with feeding and so this is hard to kind of think about and talk about but I feel like it is important to look back on these 10 years. So I will keep reading Shelley my love I would say it's okay to ask for help. You are not failing. The system is failing mothers and new parents it is not you. And in 10 years time, you will be working to support parents in exactly this. Ask for help lovely. It really is okay to ask for help. No one will think anything less of you. No one would judge you and people are really actually wanting to help. And I know this is so hard for you to do. But you can do it. Ask for help. A year in when it looks okay on the surface, but underneath it's turmoil, anxiety, worry, rushed sleeplessness resentfulness anger and outrage. I want to say, it's all welcome. I want to say for you to feel it, to let it out, to not hold it in and bottle it up. The paths you take the teachers you learn from show your way through a way through these hurts, and you will learn ways to hold and support yourself emotionally, which will then ripple out to all those you love. And other parents too. I want to say thank you, thank you for being brave to seek another path, to follow your instincts around your child's behaviour. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with him. I know for a long time it felt like your sensitivity and your ability to feel feelings and empathise with others was a weakness. It is not a weakness. It is a gift. Your sensitivity and his sensitivity is a gift to this world. It is not a flaw. I really want you to know that. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing wrong with him. Our highly sensitive children are so important for this world. They pick things up that we have put up with for a long time. They see the world differently. They are here to change the world. When we listen, when we meet their sensitivity, we become more loving, and the world becomes more loving. This is such important work that you do. Helping parents to understand their child's behaviour, helping parents meet their sensitive child. Listen, be with them. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing wrong with your child. He is beautiful, and kind and loving. And I know these being behaviours have been hard and scary at times. But they teach you so much. And you learn so much along this journey. That now 10 years down the track. This is what you do. You share this with other parents and help them understand their child and what's going on for their child and help them to meet and love their child in the ways that they need to be loved. So I want you to know, that 10 years down the track, he's growing up to be a beautiful, sensitive young man. And he is okay. And you were okay. I know you spent many nights worrying about this me worrying about him. And I want you to know that 10 years down the track. He is thriving. And you are thriving. Shelley, I want you to know that I trust you. I deeply trust you. I deeply trust the choices that you make. And I thank you so much for following the breadcrumbs for trusting yourself and following the callings. And the teachers that you've learned from over the past 10 years. I want you to know that we learn so much. And I'm so incredibly proud of you for the things that you've moved through the things that you have healed and the way that you show up for your children. This way of parenting of listening to feelings of working through our own work of looking at our own unhealed parts of ourselves isn't always easy. It is hard. Yes. It's hard to keep showing up for your children in this way. It's hard to look at our own stuff. But I want you to know that it is so worth it. I know, three or four years into parenting, you wondered often is this it? Is this what I signed up for? I know you felt lost and tired and exhausted and didn't really know what you wanted to do with your life. I know it didn't feel fun. There has been many hard and dark moments. But I want you to know that it changes that the things you learn the things you now teach, change, everything. Fun comes back into your life. Laughter returns, parenting is enjoyable. Do you love it so much? Showing up for this way with your children, and the things you learn? Really do change your life. And I want to say thank you for following the callings. Thank you for trusting your teachers. And thank you for diving in deep as you always do. Because 10 years down the track. Life is good. The kids are great. Your marriage is fantastic. And both of you are following your passions and following what lights you up alongside raising your children as consciously as you can. Listening to them, seeing them being with them. Connection is at the heart of your family. Life is fun. It's enjoyable. And I want you to know that I am so proud of you. And the things that you've done over the last 10 years. And who you've become over the last 10 years. And also who you are becoming over the next 10. But Shelley, I want to say thank you for being brave. Thank you for following this journey. And just want to honour you as a mother for the last 10 years from 29 year old Shelly to 39 year old Shelly. Wow, I'm so so proud of you. Thank you for all that you've done for our children, all that you have done for him. I really honour the hard times. And just the journey to get here. So thank you. Thank you and know that in 10 years time, where we end up, we are thriving. Things are great. Life is fun. And I want you to know, keep going, keep doing what you're doing. Things are great. Life is fun. I love you so much. Lots of love 39 year old Shelly. Oh, that was a lot harder to read out. And I did have to skip over some bits because I was like, I don't know if I can even read that. As a lot harder to read out. Then when I thought you bought up a lot of feelings around the times that were really hard. And it was it was really hard early in my mothering. I didn't know what I know now. And it was tricky. And there's a lot of anxiety, there was a lot of feelings, there was a lot of rage, a lot of Mother rage and anger would explode out of me. And think back to where I was then to now. It's just completely different. And I think honouring the process over the last 10 years from my first was born is this really important thing to do? So what I wanted to do is just talk a little bit about the things that I wish I knew, then that I know now and I've really just got one major one that has really changed our lives, but actually there's many but the one major one is I wish I knew A, that listening to my baby's crying was a helpful thing and one of their needs that they have. So when I was first a mother 10 years ago, I had no idea about listening to feelings or listening to babies cry. And so I thought that whenever a baby cried, they had an immediate need that needed to be fixed, like food, changing a nappy, Are they hot? Are they cold? Do they need to be hurled, once I've done those things, and the baby still wasn't calming down or stopping crying. And I've put them in like a telex because, you know, I didn't know what else to do, when my baby was so unsettled that, you know, I would walk them around the block, I would jiggle and pat them and shoot them and do all these things to try and calm them down and to stop the crying. The one thing I really wish that I knew, then that I know now is that babies have a need to release feelings or let their feelings out to tell you how they're feeling, through crying. And that crying is our normal and natural mechanism for recovering from stress and overwhelm. So when, you know when it's been loud, when it's been stressful when it's been busy when they've been outside. And there's been a lot of overstimulation the way that our baby, our babies recover from stress and overwhelm, is through crying. And so one of the single most, you know, critical pieces of information that I have now that I didn't have back then is that if you've ticked off all the immediate needs, if you've done all the things that you'd needed to do you know, that you've run through, you know, Are they fair? Are they changed, are they, you know, what's their temperature like, is making sure there's no zips digging into them, or they're not uncomfortable in any way, if you run through all the things, that we can just sit with our babies, and offer them our presence, and our listening space, or listening ears, and allow them or just let them do what they need to do. If that is to have a big cry, that we allow that and listen and meet them there. And we can just calmly hold them in our arms, and say, I'm right here, I'm listening. And that that is actually deeply meeting their needs to be heard and seen and understood and listened to. And when babies have a chance to offload all of their feelings, they are deeply relaxed in their bodies, and they come back into this state of like, connection with you, their eyes open, they are clear in their eyes, and they really look at you. And it's the most profound thing, and I did not know it for my first two kids. And it's one thing that I wish all parents knew that crying, when we've met all the other needs, that crying in our arms, this is not leaving them to cry alone, that is a totally different thing. This is crying with us in our loving presence is very, very healing. So that would be one of the biggest things that I would have wished that all parents would know. And that I knew when I was first a mother not to be stressed or anxious about the fact that they're still crying and I would get so worried and worked up in my own body, about there crying that I'd be like, should I be madly kind of trying to patent Shoshin rock and get them to sleep and do all these things, but all I really needed to do was sit with them. Offer them my eye contact of the my love of the my presence, and they do the rest. They have a big big cry, beautiful big tears. And then they often fall asleep and they sleep better. They sleep more deeply. They're more present and relaxed when they're awake, so much changes when we understand feelings. And we understand feelings in babies. So I think that would be one of the things that I would tell myself, you know, 10 years ago. I would also say that the importance of doing my own work and now I probably spent the first three years not really knowing any of this stuff three or four years. And so for three or four years, I know about doing my own work and working on my own nervous system. Working on my own feelings that were coming up in my parenting. I hadn't done any inner work really before kids. And so if I knew back then what I know now, I would say do the work, Shelley do the work? Do it while you're pregnant with your first look into what makes you you? What was your childhood? Like? What was your, you know, what's your relationship like, with your parents? What frustrates you what doesn't, you know, looking at some of these things, the earlier we look at them, the more we're able to stay connected to our true selves, it would make a huge difference. So doing the work, looking at my own anxiety, looking at my own reactions to things, how do I hold things in? How do I express my feelings? You know, do I have a journal practice or something that has an internal reflection, and I didn't really have any tools back then. And so I was just going along like everybody else. And so having tools and people to talk to, and people to share. That is the second thing that I would change one understanding crying in our babies in let young kids and to saying to myself, I would let myself know, it's okay to share these things and be vulnerable with people and to get some help and to share how you're feeling on the inside. Rather than bottling it all in, and having processes to process your own amount of emotions and your own feelings. So that then it frees you up to then meet the same things in your kids. So the two things that I wish I would have known back then that I know now. Listening to my children's feelings, and crying is a welcomed, important part of our human experience, that all feelings are welcome. And to look at our own inner work and to look at what is coming up for us, and to have practices and processes and spaces to go and process those things. And I also want to have a lot of love and compassion for myself, for myself, that I didn't know these things, because we don't know what we don't know until when we know something different until that piece of information comes along. And then we can go okay, I can do something different now. So I, I absolutely have so much compassion for me 10 years ago, not knowing these things. I'm not judging or picking up sticks or anything like that. I really just wanted to say these are the things that I wish that I had known. And if you are listening, and it's early in your parenting journey, that, you know, these are important things, understanding tears, understanding, crying, understanding how our own reactions show up in the world around us, our children will mirror back to us the unhealed parts of ourselves the parts that we haven't, you know that we've long forgotten. So our children are mirrors. And I did not know that. And so the more I've worked on my own stuff, the more I've worked on my own feelings, my own inner world, the less behaviours I've seen with my kids or my children just stopped doing the thing that was bugging me, or, you know, the outside world changes, because I've done the work on the inside the work internally, within me. And that is so powerful. And I want every parent to know that you are so powerful. When you look at these things, then, so much changes. So thank you so much for listening today. I really just wanted to celebrate 10 years of being a mother. I wanted to say thank you to myself for 10 years ago, for all the things that you have been through for the heartache and the struggle and the pain. That through all of that all the things that you have learned. You now have tools and ways to move through what comes up and support in place and so much understanding and that this becomes your work and I'm so grateful for the last 10 years. So grateful for what he has taught me and who I have become as a woman and as a mother as a person. And so I'm really, really thankful that I get to share this hear on the podcast. I would love any feedback or any your thoughts or feelings around it. I would love to know what you are celebrating from the last 10 years or five years, I want to I would love to know what you would have wanted to have known when you were first a parent. So come and join me on social media this week or send me an email or DM me, because I'd love to know what it is that you're celebrating and what would you have wanted to know when you are first a mother or a parent. Thank you so much for listening and have a lovely, lovely day. Thank you for listening. This episode was brought to you by 21 days of play my self-paced course to help bring more play into your every day. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram and Facebook @_shelleyclarke_. If you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen you can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com Thank you for all you are doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.