Processing pregnancy loss with Shelley Clarke

*Content heads up, this podcast episode talks about miscarriage and early infant loss*

In this episode our host Shelley Clarke explains her recent break from podcasting and vulnerably opens up about her recent pregnancy loss. Listen as Shelley bravely shares with us her story in the hope that it may help someone who has been through he same experience to feel less alone.
 
In this episode you'll learn about:
- the importance of ritual after a miscarriage and the role it plays in your healing
- how everyones grieving process looks different and normalising the emotional numbness
- how craniosacral therapy supported Shelley during this painful time
- why it is important to honour mother and baby
- how to support someone who is (or has) going through pregnancy or early infant loss

If you are wanting to give yourself permission to feel and process all emotions, and get some tools to implement into your family life, then this is the podcast episode for you!

Miscarriage and early pregnancy loss support:
https://www.pinkelephants.org.au/
https://www.sands.org.au/
https://www.bearsofhope.org.au/
https://rednosegriefandloss.org.au/

Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

NTM 281: Healing from miscarriage with Shelley Clarke & Katie Parker

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

Shelley Clarke  00:00

I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things mind and body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in. Today's episode is brought to you by Kids in Adelaide. All the best events, activities, places to visit and things to do with your kids in Adelaide and around South Australia. Visit www.kidsinadelaide.com.au. Today's episode of the podcast we discuss the topic of miscarriage and infant loss. If this is a sensitive topic for you at the moment, I suggest feeling into your own body and seeing if today is the right time for you to listen. Maybe choosing another episode might be a better option. And coming back to listen at a time that feels right for you. Sending you so much love. Welcome back to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. It has been a few weeks since I've recorded a podcast and since I've released an episode, and it's so great to be back, I have really missed chatting with people about topics that I love deeply and sharing more of this work in the world. So I'm really excited to be back. I've got some amazing interviews lined up for the coming weeks, and some great episodes. So I'm really, really excited to be back. I wanted to pause for a moment and really thank you for listening, and really say thank you for your time. I know how precious time is, and how many things there are out there in the world to listen to. And I'm really grateful for every single one of you who listens to this podcast, I'm still a bit in shock actually, or a bit in or or just a bit amazed that, you know, I've put this out in the world and there are people who listen. So it's just one of those kind of surreal things that I'm like, oh, people listen, wow, this is amazing. It's I'm so so grateful for each and every one of you that listens, and that have taken the time to message me and, you know, share your aha moments or share something that you have tried. And it has made a difference in your family, or in your parenting or with your children. And I'm, you know, I'm so grateful. So I'm really, really, I just really want to say thanks to each and every one of you for for listening and for your time. And I really feel like this is a community where I'm in it with every, every one of you, you know, I find parenting hard at times, as well and certainly have in the past. And so I hope by sharing my story and the stories of people that come on, it helps you to feel less alone and, you know, gives you some tools and things to implement into your family life. So I'm just really, really grateful for each and every one of you who listens because it wouldn't be possible without you. Today, I want to share a really personal journey with you all that I am still on its way I've had a few weeks off from the podcast, and I wanted to share it with you all here. Because it's really important for me to be real on this podcast, but also in the work that I do. A big part of my work is supporting parents and supporting people with their emotional awareness and having safe spaces to share their stories and to be heard, and to feel their feelings. And so by sharing my story, I'm hoping that one it's helpful for me in my own healing. And to that it might help someone else out there who is travelling this path as well at the moment. So four weeks ago we had our second miscarriage. I have shared the story of our first miscarriage on the nourishing the Mother podcast with Julie Tenner and Bridget Wood, which was two years ago now. And my friend Katie Parker and I, we shared our stories on that podcast. So I'll put a link to that episode in the show notes if anyone wants to listen to that story as well. But I wanted to share the story of the last few weeks and really honour and talk about miscarriage and early, early infant loss. Because it's something that is not spoken about very often, it is spoken about more and more these days, but it's still not honoured or talked about enough, I don't think, and I hope this is helpful for someone that may be going through something similar, or if you have experienced infant or early loss, and maybe haven't had a space to share about it before. So I wanted to talk about my journey. Four weeks ago, I woke up like any normal morning, I was 11 weeks pregnant, things had been going well, there had been no issues, a little bit of morning sickness, but nothing major. And some fatigue, which is really, you know, common and expected in the early first trimester. And this was a, this was a planned fourth pregnancy, we were really excited about adding to our family and having our fourth kid. And so I woke up on a Tuesday morning and noticed the very slightest of discoloured discharge in the morning. And my immediate thought was, oh, no, not again. And because that is how it started last time with my first miscarriage. And so I called the doctor straightaway my GP and said, I need an appointment, and got in that morning, and I also phoned for an ultrasound scan and booked in for that that afternoon. So I was trying to reassure myself that things were okay, and that this was me thinking the worst and my brain going in, you know, getting well ahead of itself of thinking about last time. And, you know, so I was trying to remain calm, but I phoned my husband and said, I think something's not right. And by this stage, there was really there was no bleeding, there was really nothing other than the tiniest bit of slightly discoloured mucus discharge. But I just knew, and so we were booked in in the afternoon for a ultrasound scan. So my husband and I went in for that scan. And it is the hardest thing to and it was the same room, it's the same ultrasound scan the same room as two years ago. So I had this really strange deja vu type. Feeling as I was waiting in the waiting room, I was sitting next to my husband and I could feel that he is, you know, really close to the surface. And I kept saying to myself, you know, this is going to be okay, this is going to be okay. And as we walked into the same room, the very same room, I just saw, Oh, man, this is it was like a parallel moment, or a, you know, an out of body experience, type moment, and we lay down on the table. And I couldn't even look, I was already in tears, actually, when the ultrasounds and sonographers said, we're here for a viability scan, and even calling it a viability scan is like, you know, language that is really, you know, so hard to hear and jarring on my system or anyone's system of viability scan. But, you know, lay down and she, you know, puts the gel on and I'm solving and holding my husband's hand and I can't even look at her. I'm like, do I look at her Do I try and read their face, do I? You know, what do I do here and I just I remember staring at the roof. And, you know, I could hear the click of the Sonographers taking photos, while she pushed on my uterus and you know, was looking for a heartbeat. You hear this click, click, click. And at one point, I glanced at her to try and see if there was any inkling of what was going on. But because she didn't automatically say, Oh, here's the heartbeat. I, you know, I knew I knew what it was going to come back with. And then she says, it's not what I would expect for your dates, I'm just gonna go and talk to the doctor. And and I just knew and broke down in tears as she left the room and, you know, was sobbing and crying. And that explicable pain that you can't even describe, it feels like someone has ripped your heart out. And it's shattered, again, into 1000 pieces. You know, I just said to my husband, not again, I can't do this again. And the doctor came back in, actually, the son Alpha came back in and she said, we'll do a intra internal vaginal scan so that they can be really sure which they did. And then the doctor came in and said, there is no heartbeat. And I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat are like just words that no parent should hear. But that, you know, many parents do here. I was looking at some statistics before doing this episode. pink elephants website and pink elephants is a website that supports miscarriage and early loss. And the statistics on their website is one in three women in Australia will have a an early loss in their lifetime. 100,000 miscarriages and early losses a year. And something like 283 I think it was a day. hear those words. I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat. To think that 293 people around Australia heard those words today. Almost, it's just too much for me to think about. It's yeah, it's really, it was really hard for me to hear, Oh, it's hard for anyone to hear. But I remember, kind of bracing myself a little bit and holding in the feelings and getting into the car and having a big cry. And then I just said I wanted to go home. And we went home and I laid on the couch. And at that moment, I probably laid there for a few hours. And I was completely numb. I don't remember feeling much at all in that time. Other than really, really angry. I was really angry. And I was also due to go to a professional development course in America in like four days time. And so it was the next level of my cranial sacral therapy training the advanced training in the States. And so I was at this crossroad of like, what do I do? Do we go we were actually also meant to go on a family holiday to Sydney the very next day, which we ended up cancelling the Sydney Sydney trip. But I was laying on the couch really, really angry and numb. And also with this awareness of like I really want this to happen naturally. But it needs to kind of complete in the next few days because I don't want to be on it. I really still wanted to go to to my course I've been waiting nine months for this programme for this course. And so I remember laying on the couch, feeling into my body and feel What do I need, and the only thing that I came back with was boxing, I need to go to a boxing class. And I just started at the, you know, a gym that offers boxing classes. And I said to my husband, when he, when he got home from picking up the kids, I said, I need to go to boxing. And his Okay, looked at me a bit strange. So when often boxing class and you know, I don't remember most of the class, to be honest. But there was one four minute kind of station, where I just boxed this boxing bag like I was possessed. I think the instructor probably thought I was losing it, I was losing it, actually, you know, a punch this bag, and I'm sure I probably was crying. And I was really angry with the world. But I was able to kick and punch this bag, which felt really helpful. And I don't know, I was just able to move some of those, those feelings and some of that anger, and that numbness and being able to be angry at and, and move it through my body was really helpful. So I got home that night, and I was still really angry, we cried a lot. And we told the kids, and they were upset, as well. And it's always interesting to see how our children process grief, very differently between each of our children, and how they and how they respond and how they react. That might be another episode of how to help kids through grief, which I can talk to you another time around play and different game ideas that that we can do to help our children process grief and loss. And so the next morning, I was still pretty numb, and I couldn't really connect with what I was wanting to do you know, how am I going to move through this next stage? How do I move through this stage and honour this baby and this pregnancy. And so I had a cranial sacral therapy session with my beautiful friend and mentor and therapist, Aaron Riley. And in that session, I was able to sink below the anger. You know, we all we know that anger is often a protector of deeper feelings, grief and sadness and loss and frustration, you know, angers kind of like the body guard, and the protection and there's often, you know, the deeper, more painful feelings underneath. And so, in that session, I sunk deeper into those painful feelings and really was able to cry hard, and let, let it go or let let this pregnancy go. And so that was in the morning. And then on the way home, I stopped the shops and actually started to bleed at the shops. So the the pregnancy completed naturally, and I bled and it probably took about two and a half hours now I was at home by then. And really I just you know, didn't really leave the bedroom or the bathroom, and just bled and it is like a labour, you know, your body goes into contractions and or, you know, wanting to deliver this, you know, this pregnancy. And this time was nowhere near as painful for me as last time. Last time really did feel like, you know, contractions and labour, I would say this time was nowhere near as painful for me. And I really felt like period pain and cramping. And but my body did go into it would go into cramps for a few minutes, and then it would or a minute or so and then it would relax. And so a lot of bleeding happened on the Wednesday. And then I spent the next couple of days resting at home and trying to process what had happened before getting on a plane and flying across the world to do my next training and cranial sacral therapy. And luckily, you know, a big part of cranial sacral therapy is deep emotional processing. And so I was in a really well supported place to really process this loss and this pregnancy and feel the grief and the sadness and that's one thing that I really wanted to point out or to highlight that having a space to be heard and a space to share your story. And to really feel your feelings was so helpful for me to move through this grief and this loss. You know, in several of my sessions in, you know, during that week away, I was able to cry, and really wail really feel the depth of this pain of losing this child. And I think one of the things with early miscarriage or early infant loss is people might, you know, our culture. And many people have probably heard this, our culture doesn't necessarily honour or talk about miscarriages and infant loss. And we might hear things like, oh, you know, it was early, so you can try again, or we might hear things like, Oh, well, at least that happened, you know, early, so, you know, or, or at least you can fall pregnant. And, you know, you can try again, and, you know, there's often, you know, ways that our society dismisses miscarriage or early infant loss. And I know, the pink elephants website has had a hit campaign in the last month around, ‘at least’ ‘at least’, you know, people, you know, and all the things that people say, after those two words, that are well meaning, but that actually don't really honour the baby and honour. The loss that that people feel when when they do miscarry or when they do have an early infant loss. Because it is all of the potential of that pregnancy and of that baby, and if it's been planned, and, you know, we were, we took a long time to decide to have a fourth baby. And, you know, we were really connecting with this baby really early and thinking about four children and thinking about its life, and the fact that that is no longer going to be the case, and we're never going to hold this baby, whether it happens at two weeks, three weeks, seven weeks, 11 weeks, 15 weeks, it is heartbreaking. And it is a loss, and our society don't tend to honour honour in that way. And so having a space to share your story and having a space to live I cried and cried and cried and was able to really feel that pain and that loss and I think that was really helpful for me to move through those feelings and to have a space to be held in those feelings. And so if you're listening and you haven't had that space, there are services available and I'll put them on listen at the end. And I'll put the links in the show notes as well around support services and things that are available that hold space for your story that will honour your little one. And you know, hopefully that that shifts something or allows you to process it in a way that's helpful for you. So yeah, having a space to do that was really helpful for me and the other thing actually that we did really early so after after I bled and after you know the baby completed and had all come out I then we went to the beach as a family. I bought some flowers and we found a big lot of bark and we put the flowers on on the bark and we went to our beach our local beach and all the kids threw a flower into the ocean and and as poor as we stood there and we all we've said goodbye to this baby and I walked out into the ocean and I you know released the baby you know release the the baby and the flowers and floated it out into the ocean and letting go of letting go of that bark. Was that floating? In flower arrangement was, you know, one of the hardest moments of my life, you know, you're letting go off a little soul, you're letting go of the little baby letting go of the potential into I have another child. And, you know, we do have three beautiful children and I am 39. And so the question of do we have any more, and we try again, is still very in my awareness, and I do not know the answer to those questions. But letting go of that, you're also letting go of I don't know, I don't know, what's going to happen now. And it was heartbreaking. And I shared it actually on my Instagram, social media. And we did that because I really feel like it's powerful to honour honour this baby. And when we honour it, when we take those moments to stop and pause and honour that, that soul and that baby, and that life that we won't get to hold, but still is so loved in our hearts. It's so powerful when it allows us a space to grieve it allows space for us to feel these feelings. Because so often, women have miscarriages, and then they're back at work a week later or two days later, or have a miscarriage over the weekend. And they're back at work on Monday, like nothing's happened. And yet, one day you're pregnant, and then the next day you're not, it's such a big thing for for you to process. And so having ritual, and having something that honours, the baby is really, really helpful. Well, it's been helpful for me, it might not be for you, but it has been helpful for me. And if it is something that you would like to do, you can do this at any time. Even if it was years ago that you had a miscarriage and you really want to honour, that little one, you can light a candle, you could plant a tree, you could take a moment, on the day of the miscarriage or the due date of the baby or whatever feels really whatever resonates with you to really honour that little, that little one, if you feel called to you don't have to. It's just having those rituals and moments can be really helpful for processing. If that is how, if that feels right for you. So we did that little ritual before I left actually. And then I went away for the week, and which was a huge week, and I will share more around my around the cranial sacral part of the week, and the deep processing. And I'm still processing this week, really. But what I will say, it's made me even more passionate about cranial sacral therapy, and how we hold so much in our bodies, if we have not been able to process the things that have happened to us, we will store them in our bodies and our tissues, remember our cells remember, if we weren't able to process feelings, if we weren't able to process events that happened to us, in our childhood, in our in utero in early development in our baby years, you know, we will hold those and they you know when we have a chance to, or a space to process it. So much can change and heal, you know, amazing healing can happen. So anyway, that's what I'll say about the advanced class at the moment. But when I got back from the States, I was really, really tired. And this was only two weeks in the last two weeks, I would say that I have been really tired. So actually, it's been three weeks since I accept work for two weeks now. And I think one thing to remember after having a miscarriage and it's something that a friend of mine reminded me of this week is that you go from being pregnant to not pregnant. And really this is a post partum period. So if you've had a full term baby, you know, there's a lot of talk around the fourth trimester and really resting and taking those six weeks to really honour your body and rest and recover and allow your body time to heal and bond with the baby and all of all of those beautiful things, but often after a miscarriage and Infant loss, it's business as usual, and people just jump back into life. And we miss that period of time where our body is needing to rest our bodies needing to readjust to not being pregnant now, and, you know, I got home and I wrestled for a week. And then the next week, I was like, why am I still sore? And, you know, my uterus was really still sore. And I was achy. And, you know, I went to the doctor and check that everything was okay. And it was fine. And a friend said to me, it's really your only three weeks post miscarriage, like, just rest, this is your, you know, your postnatal time, and it really hit me, I was like, oh, yeah, you know, I forgotten or the three weeks has felt so big that it has felt like months, you know, condensed down into a short space of time. So really allowing ourselves to rest afterwards and honouring the process of your body shifting and returning to you know, it's nonpregnant state of being so that's another thing that I really wanted to highlight is the the importance of resting and honouring, honouring this time for you to really feel the grief. I think for the first two weeks when I got home from from the big week of my course, I did not feel like doing anything. I felt like sleeping, I felt like resting in bed. I said to my husband, I really, I really can't do much, you know, can you do a lot with the other kids. And he really stepped up, he took a lot of the load for the last two weeks and really allowed me well, they felt like doing was laying in bed and watching TV. And, you know, not really being engaging in the world around me, I've, you know, had time off the podcast, I've had time off work. And really just allowing myself that time to do whatever felt right for me. And it might be different, it will be different for everyone on how we move through painful events. But really honouring yourself and what you need, and really tuning into what it is that you need and feel like doing. All I felt like doing was laying down under the blankets in my you know, with my quilt over the top of me and snuggling in where I was safe and warm and could cry and didn't really have to talk and engage with anyone. And so that's what I did, until the start of this week where I was like, Okay, time to, you know, connect back in with the kids and time to connect back in with work and where am I at with things and, and so really moving at a pace that feels right for me, and what if whatever feels right for you, as you navigate, you know, and this can be hard things for anything that we do as you navigate anything that's painful and hard to move through really allowing yourself the time to honour it, and to move as slowly as you need to move. And so that is what I've been doing, or trying to do. So really, I'm still in it. It's only been three of us. It's been four weeks now, since it happened. And I'm still really adjusting to the idea of I'm not pregnant now. You know, we were planning on having a baby due in May, or late April. And now I'm like, Oh, that's not gonna happen. So you know, what's next? Or where are we at? And really sitting in the not knowing, for me the uncomfortable feelings of not being sure of what the next plan is or not being sure of what will happen or, or how will feel. And that's okay. And that's something that I'm still getting used to being in and sitting in and leaning into the feelings of I don't know how this will play out. I don't know if we'll be willing to try again. Or if we if there is another little soul there for us or if this is, you know, to show us a different path. I'm still not sure. And it's something that I'm processing all the time and I'm still working through. I do know that with my first miscarriage I had a really clear message of several times the baby kind of came to me in dreams or really clear visions. And with my first miscarriage the baby said Mum your work or your said, your love for me is for all the children, I kept getting this message of your love for me is for all the children go and do your work. And a big thing for me for the last few years has been doing my work in the world and building my clinic and sharing more around parenting and building the parenting aspect of my work. And you know, a big part of that is has come out of the first, my first miscarriage, and something similar, this time around, you know, really finding that meaning, or the messages with this pregnancy, and I'm still really in it. At the moment, it's only been a few weeks. But a big part, I think is coming back to me. And looking after my own needs. And looking after me. As many mothers, you know, we can often put ourselves last on the list of getting our needs met, and I still navigate this all the time, like how can I meet my needs and look after myself, within the family, within looking after my kids within meeting the needs of you know, all the people around me, you know, and often I don't put myself first. And so I think a big learning for me throughout this process is to come back to me and to come back to meeting my own needs. And to put my needs right up there on the top. Because if I'm not full, and if my needs aren't met, then you know, one, my body's not in a place to grow baby. But also, you know, I can't really help and serve from an empty cup. So I think that's been one of my lessons, or one of my, you know, one of the things I've, I'm taking away from this at the moment, and I'm sure there's more as it unfolds. So the last thing I wanted to kind of talk about was highlight the and I mentioned earlier, the pink elephants support, which is a website and organisation that support women through miscarriage and brings awareness to miscarriage and infant loss. It's really, really great resources, and I highly recommend that website. One of the things that I talked about earlier was the at least campaign and things that we often hear from well meaning people around us, you know, the things like or at least that happened earlier, at least, you know, you have other kids to to, you know, to focus on, or at least you know, you can feel pregnant, some of these things that women hear, that really aren't helpful to hear. And so I thought I would share what we can say instead because somebody sometimes we find it really hard to know what to say. How do you support someone who is grieving? How do you support someone who has gone through a loss of any sort, whether it's a stillbirth or infant loss, pregnancy, miscarriage, whether it's a death of a family member, whether it's, you know, some other grief or loss? How do we support? And what do we say? And one of the biggest things, or the easiest thing that I try to remind parents of is simply saying, I'm right here I'm listening. It's often what we say to our kids, when they're having when they're having a hard time and when they're crying. I'll say to parents don't say much. Just be there with your child and say, I'm right here, I'm listening. And it's similar for your friend or family member or loved one that has lost a baby. You know, we can say something like I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here for you. Or I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here if you'd like to talk, or simply just being there with them, and saying, I really don't know what to say right now, but I'm right here with you. And then you just listen. You don't need to fix it, you're not going to be able to take their pain away. You are helping just by listening, the power of your presence, the power of just being there with someone while someone is grieving. That is the most important thing that you can do. That is really helpful. And that is what will help them to move through their grief and be able to shift it or to feel that part of it and to feel heard and seen and moved Through the next bit. And so simply saying, I'm right here, I'm listening or showing up and saying I'm here. That's all you need to say. And if you're not sure what to say, just say, I'm not sure what to say. But I'm right here. And they are some really, really powerful things that you can do to support someone or a loved one that is going through a loss of any of any kind. So, yes, I wanted to touch on that towards the end to just highlight some things that we can say. And I know many of us are really well meaning when we say things like that, that I mentioned earlier. But really, it's just about saying, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm right here. If it is, an older child has stillbirth or an early infant loss, often honouring and saying the child's name can be really helpful and asking questions about about it, or, you know, asking the parent about that child, and really honouring it and saying their child's name to really honour that, that, you know, that little that little child was here for such a short time, but was a really big part of their family can be really helpful as well. So that is about all I have to say on this today. Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting through me struggling to share this at times today. Yeah, it's been hard, I think I feel like I'm gonna go and have a big cry. So I really am grateful for for everyone that has that is listening, I really hope that if you are listening, and you are going through a loss, or you've had a miscarriage, or an early infant loss at some stage in your life, I will want you to know that you're not alone, that I'm here with you that I'm listening. And I'm really, really sorry for your loss to it, it's really painful. And I hope that you get a chance to share your story or honour your baby in a way that feels really right for you and feels really, you know, helpful for you to move through your grief and loss. So I wanted to share, talk a little bit more about the support services available. So I've mentioned pinkelephants.org.au. And I'll put this link in the show notes as well. And they have early infant and pregnancy loss support services available. There's also Sands, which is infant and pregnancy loss. And you can there's a website link in the show notes and also you can find them on 1303 8307 There is the red nose grief and loss support services as well. That offer counselling and bereavement support. Bears of hope is another support services available for counselling and for infant loss. There is also well there's actually many different organisations as well, but they are some of them may ones that I have put in the shownotes if you want to reach out for some more support. So I'm sending you so much love and my thoughts are with you if you are going through a really hard time. And I hope today has been helpful in hearing my story and knowing that you're not alone in this and I'm sending you so much love and thank you so much for listening. Bye for now. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram at Facebook @_Shelleyclarke_  If you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen you can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com Thank you for all you are doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.