Aggressive, sensory and strong-willed behaviour in children with Shelley Clarke

In this solo episode Shelley Clarke answers some questions that listeners have sent in, sharing with us her incredible knowledge around how to navigate aggressive behaviour in children and what might help parents of sensory or strong-willed children.

In this episode you'll learn about:
- the role power reversal games have in helping with aggressive behaviour challenges
- why its important to regulate your own nervous system and body before approaching aggressive behaviour
- a simple introduction to different sensory profiles and why learning you and your families puts you ahead of the curve
- what paying attention to your thoughts as a parent can do for your connection and relationship with your child/ren
- how to approach strong-willed behaviour and having awareness around the intention behind your play

If you are wanting to hear how to approach aggressive behaviour, sensory or strong-willed children, then this is the podcast episode for you!

21 days of play course
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Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

 Shelley Clarke  00:00

I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things mind and body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in. Today's episode is brought to you by kids in Adelaide. For all the best events, activities, places to visit and things to do with your kids in Adelaide and around South Australia. Visit www.kidsinadelaide.com.au. Hello, welcome back to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarek. And today is a solo episode from me. I'm going to do a Q&A today. I've got a few questions here that I'm going to pull out of a hat and answer them. I know I've had a few people asked me can you do a podcast on these? And can you answer this question and I thought I would actually spend some time today answering some questions. So let's get started. Okay, so the first question How do I deal with aggression and bullying behaviours like hitting and kicking? And biting? Okay, now, I know that with these questions, I could spend a whole episode talking about each of these really. But what I'm going to do is try and give a really succinct answer so I can get through three or four questions if we can. So big behaviours, the most a big behaviours, often its meaning the unenjoyable behaviours, the the ones where our kids are hitting, where they might be biting, where they're kicking, where they're screaming, you know, big feelings underneath these behaviours. So the first thing you know, and I've talked a lot about this in other podcasts as well, is always looking at what's underneath and what's behind the behaviours and getting curious as to what might be going on for the child. Now, this role requires us to notice, well, this is my process, noticing my thoughts to start with, because sometimes I've got this running dialogue in my head, that is often the learned, conditioning from the era that I grew up in. And so, you know, there might be things like, Oh, my God, they're so terrible, and oh, my gosh, they're doing this behaviour to get their own way. Or why are they doing this to me, so there's these sort of thoughts, or even, you know, what's wrong with them, or God, they're such a little brat, or they're acting in such a terrible way, you know, name calling, I have this sort of dialogue in my head. Now many of us do, because of the culture that we, the era, the paradigm that we grew up in, you know, when it's behaviourist paradigm, and we're then judging the behaviour, we will have that conditioning. So first of all, noticing the things that you want to say in your head, the things that you want to say to your child, and being really mindful that they aren't true. Your child isn't a little brat, they aren't doing this to get their own way. They are having a really hard time. There's something going on for them. And so if we can remember that and she and notice our thoughts to start with, because most of the time, I still have varying forms of these thoughts. But I'm able to notice them and not say them, and then you know, kind of keep them keep them where they are, and notice them for what they are rather than reacting to what I'm saying in my head. So that would be the first thing I would do is when your child is behaving in really unenjoyable ways, like hitting and kicking and biting. And I want to send so much love to anyone who's listening. Because I know how hard it is when you're you've got a kid that hits or bites or like their reaction, their kind of fight or flight response is the fight part of it and they want to, you know, they'll bite or kick or hit. I know how hard that is. It's it's really tricky to manage. And the more that we can work on our own stuff, which I'll talk about now is noticing our thoughts, noticing what's happening in our body and our response to those big behaviours. And so I'm just sending love to everyone out there that, you know, that hat is having a hard time with their kids with these unenjoyable behaviours, because there's so many of us that struggle with these behaviours, in silence or in the privacy of our own homes. And, you know, I know how hard it is. So I'm really want to send you so much love, you haven't done anything wrong, it's not because of your parenting. It's, it's developmentally often, you know, stages that our kids go through. But often it's, it's, there's something going on for them. And it's, but it can be really, really hard as the parent if you're managing this, so I want to send out love to you, if you are dealing with these big behaviours. So going back to what do I do, okay, so noticing my thoughts first, but then also noticing what my reaction is in my body for a very long time, when one of my kids would hit a bite or a kick, I would have this big kind of intense reaction in my body. And I would often react myself and come in, you know, forcefully or not, not forcefully, but you know, come in strong, sometimes forcefully and, you know, stop it and or react by yelling, or maybe reaction to their behaviour didn't help the situation anymore, because it just ramped everyone up. And so being really aware of your thoughts, but also your body, what's happening in your body are you tense is your heart rate, you know, your heart rate is probably through the roof, especially if one kids just hit another kid, and you do want to react, you do want to move quickly. But we want to make sure that we're moving quickly without, so you do want to get in there and protect and be a safety person for the other people. But there's things that we can do beforehand, hopefully, that that you can do to avoid siblings getting hurt and things like that. So sometimes we do need to move quickly. But we want to be quickly without us coming in forcefully or really Adding to the tension or the stress of the situation. And so you know, taking a breath, breathing out, I often talk about breathing out for longer than what you're breathing in for it's a breath technique. Even if you just extend your exhale, slightly, extend your exhale by one breath can make a huge difference to lowering your heart rate, to slowing your nervous system down to slowing your body down, which then creates that sense of safety or sends the signals to your child that this is safe, it's a safe place. You know, and our bodies really are the thing that our kids will pick up on our bodies, our nervous system, our reactions. And so, you know, this has been one of my biggest learnings. And it's still something that I'm I work on every day. So I also want to say if you're listening, I do not have this down pat. This is something I'm constantly working on in terms of how I react and my nervous system responses and my and my body reactions. And so you're not going to get it perfect every time there is no perfect, you're not going to respond how you want to respond every time. And so this is a work in progress. And I want to send you lots of love if you find this hard because I find this hard to. And so that's the first thing is noticing my thoughts noticing my body, can I slow my body down? Can I slow my breath down? Can I kind of walk slowly, can I calm my voice, lower your voice down. These are the things that will help send that signals and that message of safety to the child that's having a really hard time. The other thing that I would always put in here as well is if there's a lot of these behaviours happening and you're finding it really, really hard. reaching out for help is is always one of the things I recommend as well as a listening partner. So taking these things to a listening partner, if you find that you are reacting, talking that through their listening partner so that you can unpack what it is for you. What does it remind you of what is your kid's behaviour remind you of where does it come from? So that then you are able to respond in the way that you want to listening partner, reaching out for a mentor therapy session support all of those things. Working on our own stuff first is always where I start. So say you've done that you've you've worked through that. You're calm and your body that's, you know, as calm as possible. What do we do? Now with the behaviours while we're wanting to look underneath them or look behind the behaviour, and what you know what might be going on for them, often it's driven by frustration, or some feelings, something's going on for them. Now, if if they are about to hit or throw or do something, we need to come in with a limit, a loving limit, and I often, you know, it's about offering a loving limit. Now, that's not to teach them what's right from wrong, that's not to punish them. They're limit in this moment, in the moments where the behaviours where there's aggression, when it's hitting and biting, the limit there is to offer, you know, you might come in with your body, you're offering that limit, so that you're saying no to the behaviour that's going on, because we're not wanting to hit or we're not wanting to hurt people. But you're saying yes to the feelings underneath, so as calmly as you can, there's been times where I've set a limit. And it's probably been a bit harsher than I've would have loved. But then quite quickly, you can drop into, but I'm right here, and I'm listening. So you might come in with, you might need to hold your child's hand and stop them from throwing the block or their sibling or, you know, you need to come in close and get down on their level and hold their hand or be the body shield between them about to kind of launch onto their sibling, or if they're hitting you, you want to, you know, deflect or hold their hands or move, you know, make sure that you are keeping yourself safe and keeping the child safe or other children safe. And so you're saying, you know, no, I'm not willing for you to hear. No, we're not going to hit today no. And so the know is, is no to the hitting the throwing the kicking, whatever is happening, but we're saying yes to the feelings. So then they might be really screaming at you go away, I hate you. Or they might be really frustrated at their sibling, and they might be yelling at the sibling or whatever it might be. But the there's often when you set a loving limit when there's aggressive and unenjoyable behaviours, when you offer a loving limit, there will be a big a lot of feelings that come out. And it will be tears and screaming and crying and like a huge lot of kicking and thrashing about with their hands, whatever it might be, but you're often then listening to the feelings that come that are driving those unenjoyable behaviours. And when we listen to those feelings often might be, you know, however long 1015 20 minutes of of crying and raging and frustration and if you can hold space for those feelings, then often your child will pop out of it. Once it's completed, once they're finished, once they've expressed the dough, they'll pop out of it the other side and almost look at you and they'll come back online like you'll now see them there, their eyes are brighter, they're more present, you'll have a sense that they're back in there, they're back with you, that's when you know that they've finished that big cry. And then they'll often just jump up and say what's for dinner or go and play or, you know, play quite calmly and beautifully with their sibling that they were just wanting to throw a blocker. And so, you know, when we are managing and listening and working with these big behaviours, it's around what's underneath that. Now I know this can be really, really tricky if you've got if you've got several children. And so there has been times where I have moved, the child that's crying, or the child that's wanting to throw have moved them into a separate room. And I've listened they're much more helpful and easier when you've got two parents at home. If you don't have two parents at home, then I've certainly listened with two one while the other one has played sort of near me or next meal, watch some TV or, you know, I've been able to keep an eye on them. And they've entertained themselves while I'm listening to the child that's got the feelings. And I would say that children are very good at knowing what's needed in the moment. And when the more you you listen and the more that you start to use these tools that children I will now say to my kids, I'm just gonna go and listen to one of them. And the others like yep, sure, no worries and they will find something to do because they know that this is what happens in Malmo, listen for 10 or 15 minutes and then come back and and you know, play or cook dinner or whatever it might be. So kids are Very good at knowing what's needed in the moment in saying that sometimes kids, you know, both kids might then start crying, if one has been hurt, and one's hitting and then the other ones hurt, then I will often say, you know, it's you need to be between them, or coming close between them and setting the limit or offering that limit with the child that is hitting. So you know, not letting them hit the other child or kick your bite or whatever it might be. So I ended up sort of turning to one child saying, I know I'm right here, I'm listening, I'm not gonna I'm not willing for you to hit. And then I'll turn to the other child and say, how are you? Okay, I'm so sorry, I didn't make it. I'm sorry, I wasn't here to help you. I'm here now. You know, tell me all about it. And you know that I'll listen to that kid crying about how they got hurt and what happened. But really recognising that when a child is hitting, or biting or kicking, they don't want to be doing that to their sibling, they don't want to be hurting their sibling, they are having a hard time as well. And so trying to remember that both children need you in that moment, which is very hard. And I know it's quite stressful on us as parents, and it can ramp up our nervous systems. But that actually, in the moment, both kids are having a hard time, you know, coming in and yelling at one and punishing the one that's hurt the other, you know, we're missing half of it. And you know, that kid, the hurt that's driving that behaviour for the child that's acting out, will still be there. And adding our layer of shame and punishment over the top of that actually perpetuates it and makes it worse. And so remembering that you do need to sit on the floor with them or get in between them or come in close with your body so that you can maybe hold one child over here, and then you know, arms out to the side one way sitting on your lap one side. And then the other child might be kicking and thrashing on the next to you. And, but both children need you. And it might be that the child that was hurt, has a quick little cry, and off they go, they play. And actually you spend more time with a child that that was doing the the unenjoyable behaviours because they're the ones that have got the feelings that are driving, driving those behaviours. So you know, listening to what is underneath the the aggression, or the hitting or the biting. The other thing is a couple of things that I would really recommend for, you know, some of these being behaviours. And that is play. So you know, roughhousing having ways or avenues of expressing the frustration and the rage and the outrage and then expressing if there's any tears underneath that, but a lot of it is that pent up energy. And having a place for that to go is really, really helpful. So we had a period of time where we would pretty much rough house, you know, for a lot, a lot in our family, like everyday after school, we'd be roughhousing every night before bed, there'd be 20 minutes of really raucous, rough and tumble play. And that really changed so much for us when our children had a space for the the feelings and to move their body and to push against us and to rage and use their voice and roar at us and all those things. It really helps shift a lot of the feelings that were driving those unenjoyable behaviours. And so with play, we want to remember a couple of things. There's a whole episode on Play, attachment play, which I'll put a link in the show notes. And I can't remember exactly which number episode that was, but it will be in the show notes. And so, with play, power reversal was really important. So you want your child to be in the more powerful role. They're the ones that get to throw the pillow at you and knock you over. And they get to feel powerful when they're shifting this frustration that the frustration and the the powerlessness that they might be feeling. And wherever they are giggling follow their giggles. And so if they knock you over with a pillow and you fall backwards, and they giggle and laugh, just keep doing that because they're the laughter is helping to shift the feelings that is underneath and that they're holding in their bodies. So power reversal games, lots of body contact, I find with with the big behaviours, the hitting and the biting and the bashing and the crashing and running into siblings and things. Often, children are seeking kind of body contact and to that pressure in their body. And so being able to be close with you and cuddle and snuggle and knock you over and you hold them tight, and they wrestle free, one of the games that my kids love, and we call wriggle free, where I kind of hold them and say, right, you're not getting out of this grip. And then they, they go, Yes, I can, and they Regal, Regal, Regal. And obviously, you wanting to be in the less powerful role as the parent. So they will always be able to get free. But they have to struggle a bit, and they have to fight against me a bit. And then they move through it. And they come out and they do it and laugh. And then we do it again. And this time I put my foot over their leg or I hold them in a funny position as they write, you cannot get free this time. This time I'm holding you so tight, I've got you. And they will wriggle free and wriggle free and there's laughter and connection and, and they are getting to fight against us a bit. Just enough you're applying just enough pressure, where they they have to fight a bit and move their bodies, but it's not overpowering them, they're still in the more powerful role. So the power reversal games, the roughhousing, the body contact following the giggles really, really helpful when there's, you know, the unenjoyable behaviours like kicking and hitting and biting. The other thing that I would say, with children that are displaying lots of unenjoyable behaviours is to look at their environments that they're in or to look at what might be going on for them. Whereas this build up and frustration or anger or powerlessness coming from, if it is something that it might be a one off, it might be something that they're working through from birth from a traumatic event, like a separation or an illness or something that's happened to them. But if it seems to be a regular thing, looking at the environment that they're in, are they in a daycare situation that can maybe change? Are they in a schooling situation, that isn't the most ideal thing for them? Sometimes we can change that sometimes we can't. And that's okay. But maybe if it's if you're seeing a lot of a aggression or unenjoyable behaviours, say after school, and it's repeated, and it's not really shifting with you listening and with the playing, then looking at the environment that you're in. And we did something similar. We did this with my daughter this year, where at the moment, she's you know, we're looking at different different schooling situations for her because the unenjoyable behaviours that we were constantly getting, at the end of the day, after being at school, the power that she was exerting over her, her younger siblings all the time, now I was playing with her and we were doing lots of laughter. And we were having lots of roughhousing. And we were listening and listening and listening and listening and listening. But also looking at well, what's her environment like? And can we talk with the teacher? Can we look at getting lessening the sensory overload and the, the inputs that are coming in to her system that she's trying to manage? And so that would be my final point with aggressive behaviours is looking at what else might be going on for them? And can we, you know, do we need to go in and advocate for them or change their environment to something that that suits them a little more, and we've changed her environment and the unenjoyable behaviours have drastically reduced, you know, just like 80% of the behaviours that we've been having, for the first few terms of school this year, have really, really, you know, fallen by the wayside because, you know, she's not constantly having that. It's just not constantly in that same environment. So it's just another thing to think about. And I totally understand that not everyone is able to change their child's environment, we, you know, we need to work or we have certain things that we have to go and do, and that, but it might be, you know, worth looking at, you know, if the behaviours aren't shifting with listening and the play, looking at what's happening with with the environment that they're in. Okay, next question. Oh, actually, one more thing before I move on to the next question, the progression from hitting and biting often and I had another this is sort of tax on this question tacks on with two that is a Parent Talk to me the other day about name calling, and, you know, when their kids are swearing at them and calling them names, and one of the things that will happen is that as as our children get older developmentally brain develops, they will go from being able to hit you know, being hitting and biting and not being able to to be able to necessarily have that impulse control to stop those impulsive behaviours. So as they get older, they will be able to stop the hitting and biting they'll stop themselves from hitting and biting, because they'll develop impulse control. But then often, the next phase is that they will release their frustration through verbal language. And they will hill the how they're feeling at us through I hate you go away, eff off, you know, name calling. And so as this parent asked me a question of like, well, what do I do with name calling? And it's the same principles as what I just mentioned. Looking at one, what is going on for us? What does it feel like in our bodies when our children call us names? Or say we hate their head us? Or what does it bring up for us? Are we taking the that personally, and I was just reminder, this is a reminder for all parents, even without kicking and biting and hitting, or the name calling to remember that this is a child that's having a hard time, they do not mean these things they do not, you know, they don't really even probably know what they're saying. It's just in the moment, they're full of feelings and don't know what else to do. And so as the parent as the adult here in this dynamic in this relationship, to recognise that they're hurting, and that they need us, and to not take what they're saying, personally. And there's been a few times where I have actually really reacted to my child saying, you know, I hate you go away, and I'm like, you know, I've taken it personally. And if you do find that you've got lots of feelings around what they're saying, then that's what you would take to your listening partner. And that's what you take and work through. What does it feel like when you get called those names? And where does that come from? So that when they are calling you names, or swearing at you, or whatever it might be, that you are able to see past that and say, Yeah, I really hear you're having a hard time, you know, what's going on. And, again, you're setting that you're offering that loving limit of, I might say things like, I'm not willing for you to speak to your sibling like that, or I'm not willing for you to speak to me like that. But I'm right here, I'm listening. So you are saying, No, I'm not willing for that behaviour towards the sibling or towards me or towards dad or towards mom, or whoever it might be or towards grandma Nana. But I see you're having a hard time like what's going on, I'm right here I'm listening. And often there's tears and things underneath the, the big name calling and the and the behaviours that are that are going on. So I just wanted to tack that onto the end of the unenjoyable behaviours that you might see in, say, 234567 year olds with the hitting and biting and kicking. And even eight or nine year olds, you know, you're still having those big reactions, as they start to get older, you'll see that you have less of the they have more impulse control around the heating and the biting. But they will move towards, you know, name calling, swearing at you, you know, all the things, and I work with a lot of families that that are managing this all the time, and, you know, swearing, screaming matches and the parent and and so, you know, that's sort of the next progression developmentally and it can be really, really hard. You know, I work. Another thing I've mentioned parents is because they get really worried about what neighbours think and what people can hear. And I've one taking that to listening partner. What are we, you know, are we worried about being judged by neighbours and people around us? Or what does that bring up for us when we think about what other people might think of us that's a big piece for parents often, but also even going to neighbours and saying, you know, we're having a hard time with this and if you've got neighbours that are okay with that, and just say I'm really sorry for the, for the noise you might hear and I'm just having conversations sometimes with a neighbour and and so that you know that they know what's going on. And you might say we've got a child that's having a hard time and you know, if you hear screaming and swearing and things I'm trying, you know, we're doing our very best. And that might be something that uh, that you could do if you depending on your relationship with the neighbours obviously. Yeah, so I wanted to tack that on to the aggressive and enjoyable behaviours because name calling and swearing and screaming at parents is something that we might see more into the tweens and the teens, but really, it's a it's a reminder that there's feelings underneath They do not mean what they're saying. They don't mean that you're the worst parent in the world, they just are hurting and they need you. And if you can remember that, then often we're able to soften and come alongside them and say, Hey, what's going on? I'm right here. And that's what they need to hopefully that's helpful. Okay, next question. All right, let's go with this one. What about my sensory child? How can I help them? Or, okay, so sensory sensory processing. Again, this is next year, I've got a couple of OTS that I've got coming on to the podcast, our plan to get onto the podcast. So there's probably a whole episodes in understanding our sensory needs and our sensory system. I teach a module in this in my course reclaim around the sensory system and understanding how we process the world around us through our senses. Reclaim, actually, on a side note, I will do the next round of reclaim in February of 2023. So if anyone's keen and interested in doing that, there's a waitlist, and I'll put the link in the show notes for the waitlist, for reclaim as well because there'll be, you can get onto the waitlist for that. But basically, in a nutshell, we will all have a different sensory profile, we will all experience the world differently through our senses, and every child, every adult, yeah, will experience the world, uniquely to them. And, you know, I talk about the different sensory systems, you know, we have the five senses that we all grew up with taste, smell sight. And then but we also now understand our vestibular system. So our balance in our in a year, our proprioceptive system, so working, you know, where our body is in space, and being able to know where our bodies are, and our interoception. So you know, the the messages that we get from our internal organs and our signals to our brain of whether a hot, cold, and do we need, are we hungry, or we thirsty, do we need to go to the toilet, all of the messages that are coming in, this is coming in simultaneously through our eyes, right, you're hearing through our touch, through our vestibular, through our proprioception, through our interoception we are constantly getting sensory signals now, your sensory child, so depending on how your child perceives the world, they'll have different needs. And I often talk to parents about, you know, understanding our kids sensory needs as well. And I'll explain it to apparent that we might have a big cup, big teacup, imagine a big tea cup, where we need a lot of input, we need a lot of liquid to fill that tea, we need a lot of tea to fill that cup up. Now some some kids will have an adults as well will have a big cup for different part different sensory, you know, different sensory pathways. So we might have a big cup forward touch or deep pressure. And so you know, these are the kids that want lots of roughhousing, they want lots of feedback, they want lots of impact, because they've got a huge cup to fill for those sensory needs before it makes sense in their bodies. And when they get that cup full, just right, just the right amount of pressure and right amount of input. They go. Okay, this makes sense. It allows their neural pathways allows their body and their nervous system to make sense of the world around them. So sometimes kids will need a lot of input, they'll have a really big teacup. And other times kids might have a small tea cup of something where you do not need a lot of stimulus before that tea cup is overflowing. And so it's understanding these different things about about your child but also about yourself. So you know, my teacup for noise, my teacup for noise and background noise is really small. So if you have a really tiny teacup of you know, for sensory, certain certain sensory things, you won't need much prefer you're overwhelmed. So background noise for me is really you know, at the end of the day, if there's fan the fan blasting, you know the the cooks Top Stove blasting, if the TV's on if the kids are bouncing balls inside, if the dogs barking, you know, these things will quite quickly ramp up my nervous system. And it's the overload of sound for me that will send it over. And so really understanding this about yourself is so helpful, because then I'll go around and I'll turn off all the noisy things, and I'll send the kids outside, or I'll do something and it helps me to, I can feel my body physically relax. And so understanding our sensory systems and our kids sensory needs can be really, really helpful. The other thing that I've worked out about myself is that I don't love I don't love weighted blankets, some kids love weighted blankets, some adults love weighted blankets, that deep pressure helps their body to feel safe and for their bodies to make sense of the input and the the messages that that are coming in. I don't love weighted blankets that for me feels it doesn't I don't enjoy the feeling of a weighted blanket. But I do enjoy the feeling of being under a cover of a big, soft, fluffy blanket. And I get cosy with cushions and that sort of soft kind of input I love and my body goes, it feels so good. So it's just about understanding your child and playing around with what they love and what, what what helps them to feel really good in their bodies. And, and what they don't like, you know, for me if I'm playing with something with my hands, so, you know, Slimer right now as I speak, as I do this podcast, I'm playing with a bit of blue tack, and I'm just, you know, moving it between my fingers, it's giving my body something to do so I can concentrate on what I'm saying. It's working out what works for you and your child, and what works for you. And then what works for your child and also understanding like, what helps the rest of the family like my husband crunching when he's tired, crunching noises, you know, chewing noises really sent him over the edge. And this is just about understanding how our bodies process information and every single person will be different. I'm really realising as well that boxing for me when I do exercise when I do boxing, I've always loved boxing. And it's only been this week since I've gone back to doing some boxing classes, that I've realised that it's not just like the hitting the bag and getting some frustration out and having a space where I can like, hit something. And that feels really good for me in terms of moving frustration and outrage. But I actually realised that it's the impact and the body contact the compression in my joints, the the power of me hitting the bags, and the input that I get back from the bag really helps me to stay in my body and to stay aware of my body. I'm hoping I'm making sense to people, but this is what our kids are, this is what we're doing with our kids when we are playing with them. So roughhousing when we're going back to the question before about roughhousing, when we are roughhousing with our children, we're also meeting some of these sensory needs, you know, when you're holding them really tight, you're giving their body deep pressure, when you are wrapping them up in a towel, you're giving that the body feedback, it's filling up their big cup of, of sensory needs, that they you know, that they need, when you are allowing them or you know, when they're coming and running at you and bashing against you against a pillow or whatever it might be. That body contact, that input that they're getting into their body is helping them make sense of their world. Yes, they're also getting to release the feelings and shift frustration and outrage and powerlessness. So we're meeting all of those beautiful needs of releasing feelings and the giggling and the laughing and the emotions as well. But we're also meeting these physical needs these the sensory needs the body contact, the deep pressure, you know, little light touch when we're doing little, you know, back scratches and massages and things that help to fill up their their sensory sensory needs. So, you know, it's really working out what your child needs, what they love and and finding spaces to create that for them. So hopefully that's helpful around you know, how you can help your child with sensory different sensory profiles, highly sensitive or you know, they might be highly sensitive to sound so you might be aware of that with lessening the noise the background noise all those things, but they also might need lots and lots of body contact, or they might not like body contact, or they might not like sand or slime or nests or things like that, but they really love loud noise and some kids love loud music, because they need a lot of that input. So it's really about finding what works for you and your child. And for me, it's been helpful to understand what aspects of the my environment can I change to help settle my nervous system to help feel more calm and relaxed in my body, so that then I'm not snapping at the kids or not barking at them or, you know, whatever that might be, I can respond to what's going on for them, because I'm much calmer in my own system. So that is a little bit about sensory sensory system and understanding our children's sensory needs. The other thing that I would also add around this, which is the, you know, the sensory system would be my, my physio and cranial sacral therapy, lens, and OT lens, those that sort of like that clinical lens, but then when we layer over the AWARE parenting, understanding the AWARE parenting lens, I would also say that feelings can ramp up our sensory system, you know, ramp up these things within, within our children, and certainly within me when I have feelings going on, you know, my tea cup for background noise is even smaller. My ability, my bandwidth for coping with my environment, and the things around me is much, much smaller when I'm don't have anywhere to express what's going on for me emotionally and what I'm holding in my body. And so that would be the same for our children is that sometimes we can be, you know, the, the sensory needs can be a control pattern for our children. And that actually, what they might be needing is a loving limit, and a big cry. And then you'll see those sensory needs really settled down after that. So for example, with my children, one of them was really, really sensitive to tags, and really sensitive to Yeah, like tags and certain clothes. And what can happen is that they can get more and more and more sensitive as feelings and things accumulate in the body. And then it got to a point where one day, I don't know, for whatever the we've got down to wearing like one thing. And when children get urgent, when there's an urgency or a with a really like I can only wear this when there's a rigidity to their behaviour, that often there might be feelings underneath that. He one day, I think it was in the wash or something that he wanted to wear was in the wash. And he had a huge, huge cry. It was almost it was me offering a loving limit of saying no, we're not going to we're not going to be able to wear that today. Because it had progressed into a real like rigidity, urgency, frantic kind of thing where, which was really just masking the feelings that were underneath, it was sort of the control pattern to suppress the feelings that that were driving that that behaviour. And so we had a huge big cry, you know, big one, half an hour or so 2014 You know, big cry, where I listened. I said, Yeah, I know, you really want the shirt, but we're not going to get the shit out for the washing and huge cry. And then, you know, then the tags were fine. After that, you know, there was still Yes, he like they didn't love wearing denim and there's still you know, there still is his sensory needs, and preferences. But it wasn't like hugely ramped up like it was before the big cry. And so when you layer over that aware parenting lens, then we can also help our children with some of the if they're getting rigid in in their, what they're wanting with their sensory needs. Often it's because there's feelings underneath as well. And having a big cry and letting it out and processing it helps to reset their system so that they come back down to their sort of, you know, their range or their bandwidth widens so that they don't get quite so rigid. He couldn't he was way more flexible after that he could wear many different shirts still nice and soft ones but not only one shirt. It's just layering over that awareness that when kids get really fixated on some things and when they hook hook their feelings onto this one shirt, that actually there might be a chance there to offer a loving limit around that and listen to the feelings that are driving that rigidity. And that inflicts ability, and then afterwards, yes, there's still sensory needs, we all have different sensory makeups. But that it's back down to kind of their, their their normal, you know, their bandwidth, were they able to be more flexible, they're able to, you know, there's not the same urgency, that's, that's driving that behaviour. So hopefully that's making sense for people. But that really, when we're layering in over the WiiWare parenting lens over the top of understanding our sensory needs, it can be really, really powerful for parents. So hopefully, that's helpful. Let's do one more question, I reckon. Okay, so I've got a few more questions here. But I will, and I'm not really answering very fast, sorry. Hopefully, it's helpful for people. So next question, play isn't working for my child. She's so strong willed, nothing seems to work. Okay. A couple of things here when I read this question, one, with the phrasing. She's so strong willed, nothing seems to work. That's one of them. When we go back to my very first, the very first question, when I talked about what are the thoughts that go through our heads, and, you know, often strong willed children, we've got this connotation of that being a negative thing, or that being a defiant, and, you know, we can get a bit stuck in our thoughts around Oh, she's so strong willed, and she's bossy. And she's this and she's that now, every child will have their will needs. And this is talking about the Marian method. And Marion's work around understanding our love needs. So we have, you know, we have the needs to for our needs around love and affection and connection and understanding, to be met. But then we also have our will needs now our will is our autonomy, and our choice and our ability to be who we are in the world. And that is so important for every single child and every single person in the world is to have their will needs met, to be able to choose to be able to express themselves in the way that they want to express themselves in the world. And that's, that's our will. And the way that mainstream understanding, I would say around strong willed kids is that it has this there's a bit of a negative perception of it. And actually, if we can reframe even that last part of that question, she's so strong willed, nothing works, too. Well, what are her needs here? Where what are the will needs here? Is there a need here for some more autonomy, some more choice, some more expression of who, you know who this child wants to be in the world? So that would be one part of the question that jumps out straight away at me, like she's so strong willed, nothing works, because where are they trying to express who they are in the world? And how can we help meet those needs even more? By giving autonomy by listening by, by giving lots of choices and things like that? And then the first part of the question, play isn't working. So I would always again, it's just about reframing this slightly is that what are we trying to do? What's our intention? When we're using Play? So if play isn't working, then what are you actually trying to get them to do? Are you using Play to still get them out the door and get them to do what you want them to do? Because of course, their their sense of autonomy or their sense of self will feel that and they will, they'll see that coming a mile away. And yes, it won't work because you're still using clay effectively to get them to do something that you want to do want them to do. Now, sometimes we do we want them to get out the bath we want them to get in the car, we you know, we might use play to help get them to pick up or some of these things. But when we're using Play to only get these things done, they will feel that and when we are using play with the intention of still getting them to do something for us or getting them to behave in the way that we want them to. They will feel that as control and they will feel that as manipulation or they will feel that as whatever it might you'd like for them. But that's why it's probably not working, because there's an intention or an underlying kind of tension there. Now, if you're trying to get them out of the bath, and you're frustrated that they're not, and you think I'll just try this play thing. And really, your body is tight, and you're just kind of wanting to get them out the bath, but you're sort of playing through gritted teeth, then they will feel that, that, you know, kids will feel that they will feel, you know, they'll feel What's between you, and they'll feel what's in your body. And so my question would be, what's your intention with play, if it's not working? What's your intention, and also, then can we flip that intention to being connection, so I'm going to use the play, to connect with my child, I'm going to use play, to work out what's happening for them to listen to giggle, to laugh, to connect with them. Because when we use play, and when our intention is to connect with the child with our children first, that often what will happen is they'll feel that connection, they'll get the laughter going, they'll shift the feelings. And then the byproduct of your connection is that they will often just get out the bath, and they will hop in the car, or they will actually do the thing that you were wanting them to do, because they feel back in connection with you. So when I hear the question, like play isn't working for my child, I would always ask, Well, what what is happening for you, are you using it as like, I just want to get them out of the bath. And I'm actually really frustrated. And I'm, you know, at the end of my tether, and this play isn't working. Again, taking that to a listening partner filling up your own cup, but then also being aware of, can we flip the intention to being more playful because of playful sake, and not wanting to get them to do something, and recognising that the the result or them getting out of the bar for them doing the thing that we want to do, will happen when they feel connected to and when they've had a chance to laugh and giggle and play a bit, they will often then it will just happen. And so really looking at our intention behind the play. So hopefully that answers that question around if play isn't working for my child, you know, and and also the strong willed child, really flipping how we see that and recognising that every kid will have will needs there's will is our autonomy, and how can we honour and give them more choice and meet that need for, for their autonomy and agency over their lives. And also, then just Yes, shifting our intention with the play. And also knowing that sometimes if play isn't, you know, shifting those feelings and isn't enough of a release, and the connection, you know, you've connected and you've done all those things that offering a limit offering a loving limit might be what is needed, where the child then has a big cry about something and shifts those feelings through crying. And then they're able to, you know, move on to the next thing or or get out of the house or or transition a bit more easily. So that's the play question. How am I going for time? Oh, my gosh. Okay, there's one last question that I just pulled out. How do I get my partner on board with this approach? Now? I'm actually not going to answer this question this week. But what I did want to say is that next week, I have got my parents coming on for to the podcast. And we talk a lot about grandparents coming on, you know, how do we explain this approach to grandparents, and it's similar to getting partners on board or or on the same page. And so I've put together a PDF with next week's episode that's coming out. And I just wanted to quickly mention it here today, to say that there'll be a free PDF a free downloadable resource for grandparents carers, you can send it to partners, you can, you know, give it to childcare, those sort of, you know, the extended people in our communities that look after our children, which it will explain our parenting philosophy, paradigm shift what we can say or do instead of running with some of those thoughts that we have through our heads or punishing or whatever we might be doing. You know, so that He's coming out next week. And I wanted to just mention it here quickly. So I will answer that a bit more. We're in next week's episode. It's titled grandparents, but it will be helpful for partners and for carers and for anyone else that looks after our children as well. So thank you so much for listening today. Hopefully that is helpful and, you know, gives you some insights and some reminders around what might be going on for our children. If there's aggression and big feelings, what's happening for our kids, if they're got some sensory needs or sensory sensitivities, what's happening with our kids when play? You know, it doesn't seem to be working. Hopefully, there's some questions and I've probably got half a dozen more questions. So I might do another few podcast episodes like this, where I answer your questions. So if you have any questions, please, you know, send me an email. message me on social media. Contact me with your questions, send in your questions, because I would love to answer them. And you know, help in any way I can. Thank you very much for listening, and I will see you next week. Thank you for listening. This episode was brought to you by 21 days of play my self paced course to help bring more play into your everyday life. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram and Facebook @_ShelleyClarke_. If you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen, you can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com Thank you for all you are doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.