Q&A: Play, silliness, rupture and repair with Shelley Clarke

Continuing on from last week Shelley answers some more listener questions in this solo episode, sharing suggestions for how to respond compassionately to your children in the moments it feels hardest.

In this episode you'll learn about:
- what to do if silly behaviour in your children is a trigger for you
-  why giving children lots of information to help them process what’s going on is so important
- how to talk to a highly sensitive child that shuts down and a great game to play to help them open up
-  why repair is so important for our children and what that looks like
- the reasons to make sure you’ve had a chance to process your own feelings as a parent

If you are wanting to hear how to meet your child where they are and help them shift the tension, then this is the podcast episode for you!

21 days of play course

Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

 Shelley Clarke  00:00

I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things mind and body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in.

00:39

Today's episode is brought to you by kids in Adelaide. All the best events, activities, places to visit and things to do with your kids in Adelaide and around South Australia. Visit www.kidsinadelaide.com.au. Hello, and welcome back to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. And today following on from last week's episode answering some questions that I have had asked of me recently from parents and from clients about their children. So if you missed last week's episode, we talked about how we manage and help with big behaviours. So big kind of behaviours in the house are aggression, biting, kicking. So what we would do for that, we talked about sensory sensitivities and how we help our children. We talked about reframing the view of strong willed children. And so if you want to have a listen to that episode, you can go back and have a have a listen to that. And today, I want to continue on and answer some more questions. So let's dive straight in. First question is I get this in theory. So I get there saying I get the respectful, conscious parenting, in theory. But this is so hard in the moment, any suggestions, and I would say, this is the work then. So most of us, the theory really resonates. We understand that we really want to meet our children, where they're at, we really want to listen to them, and respect them. But in the moment in the heat of the moment, this is really hard to practice, because we all have our own conditioning. We all have our own stuff that comes up from our own past and our own childhoods, teen years, all the things that gets brought up in the moment. And so yes, this is really hard to do, it's really hard to respond compassionately, and consciously when our children are behaving in really unenjoyable ways. So I firstly want to say that if you find this hard to do, you're not alone, you're really not alone. This is not you not being able to do it. This is everyone, you know, I find even myself throughout every day, there's moments where I'm like, you know, I find it really tricky to respond in these ways. So I think that's the first thing is having compassion for ourselves when we don't respond, how we would like to, because there will be moments all the time where we get a bit frustrated with our kids, where we snap at them, where we, you know, respond in ways that we don't really want to do. So having compassion for ourselves is the most important thing. There's things all the time that I react to my kids. But now, I will try really hard to put those guilt sticks down and to put the and for those that are listening and don't know what I'm talking about with guilt sticks, Marian rose talks about, you know, the sticks that we pick up and and keep beating ourselves over the head with you know, you're such a bad mom, you're such this you're you shouldn't have done that. You're no good at, you know, the the thoughts that we continue to berate ourselves in our heads, you know, she calls them guilt sticks. So you know, popping them down, and having compassion for ourselves when we don't respond in the ways that we would ideally like to. And knowing that we're not perfectly I'm not going to be able to respond compassionately and lovingly to our children 100% of the time, we're just not able to we're human to we're going to have our own things come up. We're tired, you know, you're trying to manage so much in a household, you know, so having compassion for ourselves is key. The other things that I would suggest is doing our own work. So listening time, having a listening partner is a really, really crucial part of my week. So episode seven right back at the start, I talk about hand in hand parenting and the tools and one of the tools they Teachers is a listening partnership. And in a way, parenting really emphasises listening partners as well. And so listening partner is another parent that you chat with, and you exchange listening time. So one person becomes is the talker, and when one person listens, and then you swap over and it's really a dedicated space in your week to talk about how you are how are you feeling, how are you going, and it's not necessarily about your kids. But it can be about anything that's going on in your life, because when you've had your own a chance for you to process your own stuff, we're much more likely to respond to our children in the ways that we would like to. So I would recommend highly recommend a listening partner, if you really want to implement these and change these the way that you respond to your children. So an implement these philosophies listening partnership was really helpful. As same with counselling, you know, having a counsellor or a seeing somebody, you know, therapist of some sort ways to process your own conditioning, your own traumas, your own emotional well being, so that you can respond to your children in the ways that you want to. So for me, it's been mentoring, having regular mentoring sessions, that really, really allows me a space even just once a fortnight to be heard to bounce ideas off of to process what's coming up for me, so that then I'm much more free to

06:43

respond to my children in the ways that I would like to. So you having a listening partnerships, seeing a therapist, doing some work with a mentor, just having ways to process your own things that are coming up, journaling, crying, laughing, shaking, ways that you can move your own things that are coming up through your body, and express them so that when your children respond, you have the capacity and the mental bandwidth and the emotional bandwidth to be able to respond in the ways that you'd like to. So there's just a few suggestions on you know, when we get this in theory, but it's really hard to implement on a daily basis, they would be my go to is one, first of all, having compassion for ourselves to having a listening partner, or a therapist counsellor, mentor a space where you can process your you know, your own feelings that are coming up. And then you know, practices and processes where you can journal at home where you can cry, where you can laugh, where you can dance, move your body shift feelings through your body, so that, you know, you're not carrying around that tension in your own body. And I would also add in there things like bodywork, you know, that's my always a go to, for me as well with cranial sacral therapy or other body work modalities that help your body and nervous system, shift and shift the tension that's held in your body, so that then you're able to respond to your children in a way as you'd like to. So that's first question. Second question is silly behaviour is such a trigger for me. What, you know, what do I do? Or how can I respond? playfully? Okay, so, this is great, a great question coming off the back of the first question, in terms of identifying what behaviours in our children are a trigger for us? Or are the behaviours that really great us and we can feel the tension in our body, we can feel our body respond to those behaviours, that would be where I would say, straightaway take that to a listening partnership and start to process why is that particular behaviour? You know, why is it bringing up that reaction in you? So asking yourself these questions of, you know, what does it remind you of? And, you know, what does this behaviour? What does it feel like for you? Is there a particular time that, you know, it's reminding you of an age, you know, starting to process this with a listening partner or with a, in a mentoring session or or in even journaling? I would ask yourself these questions, you know, if silly behaviour is the thing that's bringing up feelings for you, what was it like when you acted silly in your family? Did you get told off? Did you get that shut down really quickly? Well, you never allowed to be silly and joking and and carrying on. Looking at where that's coming from is that one particular parent that you were never allowed to be? Sealy with and then you can do some reparative phrases with that as well like, what would you have wanted to receive from that parent? Or what would you have wanted to say to that parent, you know, we can really start to do that repair process for ourselves first. So once you've done that, then I would look at, well, what is going on for my child in that moment? What's driving that silly behaviour? Is it just that they're laughing and having a joke, and they're excited about something concerned, they're putting on some funny voices, and they're dancing around and they're acting all goofy, looking at what is that? Are they excited about the sporting event that they're about to go and do and so that, you know, that excitement is coming out in a really silly kind of behaviours? Are they hungry? Or are they tired, you know, looking at other needs, what are the needs underneath that silliness, because when we start to look at that, we can see we can start to meet those needs. So if it's hunger, or we can give them some food, if it's that they need, they're tired, we can offer them, you know, time for bed, or whatever it might be. So we're looking at what's underneath that silly behaviour. The other thing is that it might be that they have some feelings pent up from the day, and they get silly, and they get loud or boisterous or joking, and, you know, as a way of processing their day. So really, once we've done our own processing of that, what it brings up for us, we're then able to meet that behaviour, how we would like to, so we can join them in that we can join them in their silly voices, if our children if we remember. And if you haven't listened to it, there's an episode on Attachment play. I think episode 20 is describing the different types of attachment play. And one of the different types is regression play. So children will go back, they'll regress back and behave like a baby. So say they might be six, or seven or eight. And they start to put on baby voices and play like a baby. And, you know, for parents, this can be really grating and really irritating because we know our seven year old can just talk like a seven year old. But all of a sudden, they're talking in a in a windy, whiny, baby voice. And as parents, we often will say things like stop being a baby or stop talking like that, or I'm not going to talk to you until you speak in your normal voice. But what we're often missing there is that there's something going on for our children, something's coming up for them. And now they're using Play to process it. And regression play is a type of play, they will go back to being a baby or a toddler or a three year old. And they will play out some of the things from their times and feelings or whatever is going on for them. It's hard to know exactly what's going on for them sometimes, especially as you know, I don't know, your particular child, but you have a look at it. And you'll see if they're whinging and whining and acting like a baby, then I would join them in that, you know, pretend they are a baby and scoop them up. And maybe, maybe they're looking for connection like they would have got when they were a toddler, and you used to pick them up a lot more. And you would look at them and gaze at them and go and guard over a baby. Whereas we don't do that so much with a seven year old. So are they seeking connection. And so sometimes I would join my kids in their baby play or in their, with their voices, their baby voices, and join them and scoop them up and say, Oh, look, it's Little Billy. And you know, don't look at them and go, Oh, look, he's so cute, and just what we would do for a baby and, you know, act up, how pretend that they're a baby and pat them and rock them and stare at them in their eyes, and they will find it hilarious. And remember when we're playing with our children in this way, wherever they are laughing wherever there's giggling, that is them helping that's them expressing their feelings, that's helping shift whatever is going on for them. So I would continue to do that. So say, you know, you've said something kind of brings on some giggles, then say it again. And again and again. And you know, for 10 or 15 minutes, you're playing this little baby game. And often, that helps them shift the feelings that were there. They jump up and they're back to their seven year old self or eight year old or or five year old or however old they are. They're back to their, you know, back to themselves. And so it's really looking at what is going On for our children underneath that silliness, and responding compassionately and joining in the and trying to meet them where they're at. So if it's baby voices and baby play, I'll join in with that, knowing that, you know, there might be processing things from about that time, you know, maybe they've regressed back to being three, and they're processing some things from that or coming up from what happened when they were three. Or it might be that they're seeking connection, because they've felt a bit lonely at school, or they've felt a bit disconnected. And they're really just wanting some connection with you. And so, you know, really looking at what's underneath that silly behaviour. Now, if it's not necessarily baby talk, but it's just silliness, like, you know, silly jokes and silly voices, then if you have the capacity, then again, joining them in that nonsense play, it's another one of the nine types of attachment play is nonsense play. And so, you know, joining them in their silliness. And that can be really hard if we have never really had the silliness encouraged in us as a child, or growing up. And so in your listening partner, you know, when you're doing some listening time, often I will be silly with my listening partner, I'll practice being silly. Or they might say something that makes me laugh, and then we end up in laughter, listening time doesn't always have to be crying, or sharing big deep things with our listening partner, quite often, we laugh and joke and use attachment play, so that we practice responding in this way. And they might pretend to be my child being silly. And I, you know, practice joining in, in that silliness. And so, you know, listening partnerships can be really powerful way of practising how we would want to respond to our children. And we end up in stitches and laughter. And that helps shift our intention, and it loosens the grip of our own stuff, and then we're more likely to be able to respond playfully to our children. And so, yeah, you know, moving through this ourselves so that we can then join our children in the silliness. So maybe they're acting really silly, and you walk into the, you know, my husband's brilliant at, anytime my kids are, you know, you know, being silly at the dinner table, and it's dinner time, and we want them to eat and they're all kind of bouncing all over the place, often he will walk in through the kitchen and you know, bump his head on the on the pretend to bump his head on the doorway walking in. And the kids just think it's hilarious. And he's all he's done is sort of slapped his hand on the, on the door, the doorframe walking in, and it makes it you know, breaks that tension, they get Laughter They think dad's a silly donkey, and then they, you know, it's, it really helps to join them in in that whatever their, whatever they're processing.

18:12

So and also know that it's hard, you know, as parents, we often forget about the silliness and the nonsense and life is so serious, we've got a lot of things to think about, you know, work and money and finances and, and the House and the schedule and meeting everyone's needs. And we often forget about the silliness and the playfulness of meeting our children and the delight that we can have when we join them in that play. So hopefully that is helpful around silliness, and how we can join them in that next question. Okay, next question. My child is starting school and we are due for a baby at the same time. Any suggestions? Okay. Yes. Firstly, I would say that starting school, and then also a newborn, a new baby being added to the family, a sibling, are probably two of the biggest things that a child will go through in the first five years of their life. And we often forget the impact that adding a sibling has on a an older child, their world really changes when a sibling comes along. And their world really changes when they start school. So this is a big one. And there are a few things that I would say that you can do. But also, again, looking at our own staff is always the place that I would start so how do you feel about your child starting school? How do you feel about having a sibling come along? Do you have any fears or concerns or worries then I would take them to your listening space so that you're really clear and you know, relaxed when you're watching Looking through this with your child. So the things that I would do, first of all, I would probably add in some more one to one time with your child to more special time or present time, it's called an aware parenting, but one on one time with your child. So, you know, and I would start to do that now before Babs comes. And I think this was for a kid starting school next year. So you know, you've got between now and February, end of January, when school starts. For Australia, that's, you know, we're starting our school term early in the new year. So adding into one on one time where your child gets to pick what they want to do, it's time with you, it's really dedicated time where they get to play whatever they want to do. And it really ramps up and builds that connection and fills their cup up. So I would start to do that now if you can. And, you know, it might be even a thing that you ramp up, you know, in January, and once school starts, and once baby comes, you can try and find some dedicated time for that child. And with each parent, not just, you know, if they've got two parents at home, but trying to have, you know, special time a one on one time with each parent is really, really helpful. So I'd add in that, and really ramp it up around the time where school starts. So it might even be 10 minutes a day, or it might be a couple of times a week, or whatever, you have time for 20 minutes where you can say, Okay, we've got 20 minutes, but what do you want to do, you know, you really just join them in their world for that time, that's gonna be really, really powerful to help shift any feelings that are coming up for them. Other things that I that we want to do when kids are starting some big transitions is giving them lots of information. So kids need information, it helps them to feel like they know what's going on in their world. So information about baby coming, so I'll be talking about it. And talking about baby how it's going to come what's going to happen when baby comes. There's books, there's lots of books around on reading, you know, siblings coming, which helps do give the information to the child about what you know what's coming with the baby. And same with school, there's lots of books around starting school and giving them information about what's going to happen, who's going to pick them up, who's their teacher, all of those sort of things, so that kids have got information. So making sure they've got information, looking at having one to one time with your child, but then also when they start school and when baby comes along, really looking at their play and attachment play and giving them lots of chance to process what's going on for them through their plays. So you might find that they do a lot of regression play, which is similar to that question before, you might find that all of a sudden, your five year old wants to be the baby, I would join them in that I would meet them where they're at with whatever they are bringing to you with their play. And maybe they might have a lot of pent up feelings accumulating, they might want to do lots of roughhousing, they might want to do some symbolic play. So symbolic players where they will play out babies and they will play out baby coming and go into the hospital, they'll play out the scenarios, or they'll play out schools, and you just join them in that and they will, they will show you what's going on for them. And that is helping them to process their world around them. And I would also just say with this big change, that it might be okay for a week or two and you think, Oh, they're doing really wonderfully, they're really kind to their siblings, and they really love their sibling and you know, they've been great at school and, and drop offs a bit has been really easy. And I would say the first couple of weeks often are really great. And parents will come to me 234 months down the track. And that's when often the big feelings and the behaviours will start to come out because the feelings can accumulate. And also the child realises that this situation is permanent, that siblings not going anywhere. And you know, it can be a few months down the track that parents start to see these behaviours, you know, coming out. So really, I would up the play and you know, give the information, lots of play lots of connection, and then also really having space for listening to those feelings. So you might be offering more loving limits. Once they've started school or once baby comes where you're allowing you're offering the loving limit to then listen to the feelings underneath and there might be some really big cries really being grief, you know, being cries around their sadness and grief of the life that, you know, it's changed now that the siblings come along and they can grieve that process and having space for those tears will be really, really helpful while you're transitioning through that time of a new baby and starting school. So hopefully that is helpful for that question.

25:27

Okay, we've probably got time for a couple of more questions. This one, I love this. So how do we talk to or how do you reach your child that's highly sensitive child that shuts down. And so I was having this conversation the other day with a parent who has, you know, a highly sensitive child, that will often shut down. And I certainly know this experience myself, where you're trying to talk to your kid about feelings, or maybe how they're feeling or what's going on for them, and they just shut down, they go into a state of not being able to talk of hiding their face of running away from you. That real kind of shut down, because the feeling or the emotion or whatever's going on for them feels so big, it's really hard to reach reach out children. And so I wanted to talk about a game, a game that I play with my child that was highly sensitive, and would shut down and how to kind of communicate with them in a way that feels really non threatening for them. So so the question is, how do I talk to a child that's highly sensitive and shut down, and also when they don't know what's going on. So when they don't know what's wrong, they've just got feelings, but they don't know what's wrong. So there's two parts to this question. And the first one that I wanted to the first part that I want to talk about is Yes, with some children, and with many children that are highly sensitive, or when feelings feel so big for them, they will shut down and put up a big wall, and it can be really, really hard to reach them. And it's also the kids that find it hard to reach tears, so that don't necessarily cry easily. And so they're not having that emotional release happening in their bodies. So it can be hard for these children to or for us to reach when I say reach these children to connect with them to help them to, to help them feel our love and move through whatever is going on for them. And that is a process. And I talk a lot about this with parents that I work with. But there's a few things that I would do. First of all play is often I've found one of the fastest and best ways to reach my child that's in kind of a shutdown and the ones that like no, and then they storm off and they shut down. They don't necessarily, I have one child that will quite easily get to crying. And she will have a big cry and just big expression. And she'll be on the floor with hands and legs and have a big cry. And then she moves through it. And it's and she's much calmer and more settled afterwards. And then I have another child who will shut down. And often those feelings will come out in those aggressive, big behaviours, but or they'll just stay there. And it's really hard to reach him. I know something's going on, because they're being a little bit Surly and a bit, narky to the rest of the family. They're being you know, they're sort of on edge, that tension, you can feel it in their bodies, but they don't know what's what's wrong. And they find it really hard to communicate. So I've come up with this might have been a few years ago, now. We're laying in bed one day, and I knew something was got hit, my son was going off to sleep. And so I knew something was up. But you know, I didn't know how to he didn't know how to express it. And so it ended up that, you know, I've found this game, and I've called it the yes, no game. And it was a wonderful way, we ended up playing it for about an hour. And we often still do play it, where he ended up with his head at the other end of the bed. And so his feet were up near the pillow near me as he was drifting off to sleep. So sometimes with highly sensitive kids, they need to have a lot of distance between you and them to even talk about feelings to even, you know, be able to share what's going on for them. Otherwise, if they're really close to you, if there's lots of eye contact, that it feels too much for them, and they will go into a shutdown mode. And so his head was at the other end of the bed, and then I was sort of saying oh well what do you think's wrong? What's what's going on or any he just sort of kicked me with his foot And it was sort of on my belly or on my chest or something. And I reacted. And I was like, oh, you know, made a big kind of reaction. And He giggled. And then I said, Oh, well, what about if it's a yes, do one kick. And if it's a no do two kicks. And so then I started to ask questions. And I said, Well, are you worried about school? And there was one kick? And it was a yes. Ah, okay. And so we went through many, many different questions where he would be able to answer yes or no, but with his feet. And each time he was sort of give me a little tap, a little kick on the, you know, with one foot? And it was a yes. And it was two cat two taps, and it was a no. And so we made up an answer we made every time we do it, now we make up a different thing. So what's Yes, and he'll make up the signal for yes. And then he'll make up the signal for no. And then I run through a series of questions, like, are you really worried about basketball? You know, so I kind of have a guess at what some things might be. And, you know, he'll tell me a yes or no. And I have been able to glean so much information from this game. And it's been a way that he's been able to communicate with me when he didn't quite have the words. And when he wasn't able to when it felt too much for him the feelings that he wasn't able to articulate it. And so the yes, no game has been a really helpful one for me, too. For us in a way of communicating when it's, it's felt too much for him, and he's kind of been in that shutdown state are not able to articulate how they're feeling. And kids, it's really hard to articulate how we're feeling or where it's coming from. And it's not really until sort of seven or eight, where they are able to start to use their language. And often people will say, you know, use your words and tell us how you're feeling. But really, developmentally that happens, you know, a bit later. And it can with some kids be quite early, depending on their vocabulary. But I know, I know, many adults that don't actually know where, what, where their feelings are coming from, or what's causing it, that they actually just, you know, they're not quite sure. And so, you know, this was a way that we were able to communicate in a really non threatening way. And so his head was away from me, there was no eye contact, his head was at the, you know, underneath a pillow. And I was asking these questions. And so we went through each emotion in one. I remember one day, I said, Oh, okay, let's do sadness. Are you sad about Timmy dyeing our turtle? And you know, that was a yes. And as I gave him a few moments, and I said, Oh, that must be really hard. And so listen to that for a bit. And then, and then I said, Are you sad about it being your birthday soon? And you know, that was a no, so you're throwing in some silly questions and some questions where you know, it's a yes or no, it's going to be a no, but it it lightens up the how hard it is talking about these things. And then, you know, we went through angry, are you angry about this? Are you Are you mad about this? You must be mad about starting soccer, which would absolutely be false, because he loves her. And so really, you know, throwing in different questions, and him being able to respond in a yes, no way with, you know, with his feet. And each time he would do a no or a yes. And it was a bit hard. I'd react and be like, Oh, that was a hard one. Or Yes, that was a big question, wasn't it and, you know, I'd respond and hammer the, you know, being tapped with his foot. And, you know, he would giggle and laugh. And it really created a safe space for him to be able to share what was going on for him in a way that felt felt good for him. It wasn't too overwhelming. It was it didn't send him into that real shutdown mode. And so, and I've shared this with a few other parents as well. And they find this game really, really helpful with their highly sensitive child and often often highly sensitive boys that may be struggling with sharing how they're feeling, or being able to work out where that's coming from. So the yes, no game would be where I would start now. If you are still not sure. And if the child is still not sure about where things are coming from or you haven't kind of gotten to the bottom of it with a with a yes, no questions, then I would play I would just not necessarily want to be investigating where it's coming from. And often as parents, we want to know what's going on for our children. And so we'll ask questions like what's happened? What's going on? What's, you know, what are you feeling? And that can feel like a lot for kids. And so, rather than then wanting to know what's going on and so that we can then fix it for them, really just meeting them where they're at, to help shift it through their bodies. And so joining them in some roughhousing, joining them in play, nonsense play silliness, like we've been talking about, really a ways to help shift what might be going on for our children. And sometimes we don't know what it is, or what's causing it, as a parent out, you know, if we can put that aside and not necessarily need to know, but just meet our child with how they are and what's going on for them, then that can be the place to start and then down the track, once they've shifted the feelings, often, then kids can come to us after and say, Oh, this is what it was, or at the end of a cry, they're able to tell you what they're crying about, or at the end of a big laugh and giggling, they can say, well, actually, Mom, it was these things that happened at school today. And this happened, and this happened. But it's not until they've shifted the feelings and they've felt your connection and safety, that they're able to access what it is. So another game that I play with my kids when we're not quite sure what's going on. And my daughter might say, Oh, Mom, I've got feelings, and I don't know where they're coming from. She's just feeling antsy in her body, she's feeling there's something there, but she doesn't quite know what it is or where it's coming from. And she's not really crying or able to access those tears. And so I'll play a game called Let's pull the feelings out. And so, you know, she might be sitting on me or she might be like, you know, next sitting next to me on the couch, having a cuddle or laying in bed having cuddle or whatever it might be. And she's like a mom, I've got some feelings. I don't know what they are, and are like, let me see. And I will pretend to find these feelings in her body and like, pull them out, you know, pretend pull them out. But I'll look in her ear and say, let me see, can I see anything in there? And I'll pretend to kind of do this big like, like I'm pulling out of a weed or something out of the grass. And I'm like, Oh, let me see if I can get this. And I'm pulling this feeling out. And she's giggling and laughing. And then if there's some worried feelings in your child's tummy, I'm like, let me see, is there worried feelings? Oh, I think there is let me all these ones are a bit stuck. And I'm like pulling and pulling, pretending to cut, I might be pulling on a jumper or I'll just pretend pulling on their jumper. And, you know, I'm pulling out these feelings and the laughter and the giggling of check their mouth and see if I can see any feelings in there or up their nose or in their armpit. And so you're really using Play, and it's nonsense, play its connection, to help shift whatever tension, whatever feelings that they're holding in their body. And often the laughter, they can relax afterwards, and they'll fall asleep, or they'll relax afterwards, and you know, go and play nicely with their siblings or whatever it might be. And so sometimes we don't know what it is that is going on for our children, and they don't know either. But really, if we are just meeting them where they're at, and using play or listening to the feelings or whatever it might be, that helps shift the tension. And it might be until like a day later that they come back and say, Oh, Mom, you know, yesterday, it was this, this and this that was going on for me. So hopefully, that's helpful for you know, some ways that we can communicate with our kids that tend to sort of shut down or kids that hold everything in internally. And they can be really hard to reach some time. So it does require us to try a few things and to kind of, you know, reach them. And I often think about a wall, if they've got a big wall up, and they shut down in there, throw a big wall up and they go, No, I'm not doing it. And you know, nothing seems to work. I often say to parents, imagine reaching around that wall and trying to connect with your child. And so it does take us to a bit more effort from us or dedicated kind of thing, where we are trying to reach them. And it might be through a bit of laughter It might be through a giggle. It might be through some nonsense. It might be through the yesno game, and really, you know, trying different ways to connect with and reach our children. Because if they're thrown a wall up and shut down, they still you know, they might storm off and then they come back a little while later and they look fine. There's often still stuff that they've internalised. And so we're wanting to try and reach them and connect with them. And hopefully, that's some ways that you can do that.

39:49

The last question that I'll answer today is about repair. What does repair look like when we have behaved in ways that we don't want to be doing as a parent? Okay, so going back to the very first question today in terms of when we, when we can't do this all the time when we've reacted or responded in a way that we don't really want to be responding to our child, if we've lost our call and yelled, or gotten frustrated with our child, or reacted in a way that we'd rather not, then, you know, the repair is such an important part of this process and of this parenting because we're not going to be able to respond compassionately, and consciously 100% of the time, it's just not possible. And it's not possible within any relationship. And so, repair and modelling, what that repair looks like, is so important for our children. Because one, they get to see it, and learn that, you know, nobody's perfect that even parents, you know, make mistakes, and that they come in apologise for that. They see us taking responsibility for our own actions and our own feelings. And this is this is how we model that to our children. And so when we say sorry, to our kids, when we come and apologise for our actions, that's how they learn how to say sorry, that's how they learn how to repair in their own relationships in their life, you know, as they get older. And so it teaches them what it looks like. It also shows them that they're not responsible for our feelings, that they are not, yeah, they're not the ones that need to change, or that it's not their fault, that there's nothing wrong with them, it actually teaches us that it teaches them that, you know, we have feelings, too. And sometimes we react and behave in ways that aren't enjoyable for anyone. And as an adult, we take responsibility for that. And it means that they then don't internalise the fact that they're responsible for our our feelings. And so many of the adults that I work with, the parents that I work with, will often say that they've never had their parents say sorry to them for behaving in ways or for yelling at them or for telling them off, or for punishing them or disciplining them in harsh ways. But when we're looking at it from this paradigm of looking at behaviour, and what's underneath behaviour, and what's driving it, often, the child was just behaving in those unenjoyable ways, because there was something going on for them. And so when, as an adult, when we do things that we, you know, don't want to be doing when we yell at our kids, when we react and punish them, or when we, you know, sometimes there's when I'm really, really at my wit's end, and I'm exhausted and tired, and we fall back into our old pattern. So I will, you know, threatened something, you know, you can't do this, or you're going to lose this, this, and this, if you don't stop this, I'm going to take this away. And, you know, that's sort of my pattern that I fall back into. And, you know, I'll catch myself doing that. And I'll actually go and say, I'm really sorry, I don't want to, I don't want to punish, I don't want to threaten you with that. I'm really, you know, and I'll apologise for my actions. So it's noticing our behaviours, and also noticing what is going on for us in those moments and having again, compassion for ourselves. So leaving those guilt sticks down, but also recognising what was going on for the child in that in that particular moment. Because more often than not, there's some part of our behaviour that contributed to the power battle or the blow up or the their unenjoyable behaviour. And so the repair is so important. So what does the repair look like? Well, first of all, for me, it's about taking some time or a few moments to regroup myself and to come back into my body to ground myself if I felt frustrated if I'm feeling like a rise in tension in my body. Or if I've snapped or if I've yelled at my kids or something. It's about taking a moment to pause and it might be five minutes or it might be a five breaths, or it might be however long it needs. I need to regroup and work through whatever was coming up for me. It might be that I say to my kids, I'm just going to go and call a friend for five minutes. I'll be back and I go and call the listing partner work through what's coming up for me is very quickly. And it gives me a chance to kind of regroup myself. So that then when I go to repair with my child, I'm coming from a really centred place and grounded place. And so the repair might look like you simply coming over and saying, I'm really sorry for the way I just behaved, or the way I just spoke to you, I, sometimes I might say, I was feeling really tired or frustrated, or I'm feeling, you know, I'll use an if statement. I'm feeling I was feeling this or I'm feeling this. But that is not your fault. And I'm really sorry that I spoke to you that way. And then, so there's often a, you know, a really insincere apology. And then I might say, Hey, do you want to play? Or do you want to? Shall we do a game or, you know, some way of reconnecting after that rupture? And so often, it's me taking responsibility for whatever the action was. And sometimes I might explain what's going on for me. Other times, it's just me saying, I shouldn't speak to you like that, that's, I'm really sorry, let's play or do you want to jump on the trampoline? Or how about we read a book together? Or would you like a hug, or should we have a snuggle any of those things to really reconnect again, so that they feel your love again, and it might be in a little giggle or a little game, we might have a little, like little snuggle in, where I kind of snuggle my head into them, or give them in a friendly kind of bear hug. And, you know, there's that that connection and laughter. And you can feel it in their body when they've relaxed, and you've relaxed, and you can really get a sense that they know that your relationship is greater than any, anything that's happened or any any sort of rupture, that your love for them is unwavering. And that they feel reconnected and feel that love from you again. And so it will look different, depending on your child, your child might need a little bit more time, it might, they might need a bit more explanation, it really depends on your kid of what that repair looks like. And sometimes for me, it's really quick. It's like, Ah, sorry, but I was a bit frustrated, I shouldn't say that, hey, let's go and do this, this and this, or, you know, if it's getting out the door in the morning, and we're getting off to sport or after school, and it's been a bit of a heated morning. With tension in the air, I might just be like, Oh, I'm sorry, guys. Mum was running late today. And I didn't, you know, I'm, I didn't help with the situation today. And then we might actually let's put on some music and dance it out. And so we put on some music and on the way to school or to the sport or whatever it is, you know, we're moving our bodies, and we're reconnecting and laughing and giggling and that repair, you know, is happening. One thing I would say about repairs that were really wanting to make sure we've worked through our own feelings that come up around that. And if we've got any sort of guilt or shame that we make sure we're not kind of beating ourselves up with our, those guilt sticks and perpetuating those feelings. Because sometimes we can go to our child and want to like repair in this way of I'm so sorry, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And we apologised, and we apologise. And it's coming from a place of desperately trying to make ourselves feel better for the way we reacted. And the way we spoke to them or behaved, and I would say our kids can feel that sometimes. And they can feel the weight of that, and the heaviness and the responsibility to make it all okay for us. Or they will do the opposite and stay distance from us and say go away and get away and work trying to kind of desperately apologise, they will feel that tension between, like in the air between between you two. And so what I would say with repair is really making sure that you've had a chance to process your own feelings. And maybe it's some sadness about reacting that way. Maybe it's, you know, maybe

49:32

it is you feel a bit bad about it and you but having our loving, listening partner, you know, respond to you compassionately, and offer you that compassion and love and support means that you have had a chance to process that. And then you can come back and repair from a real solid grounded centred place where you can say, hey, you know, I'm really sorry for how I spoke to you yesterday. You know, that's, you know what adults shouldn't treat kids like that, or I don't really want to say shouldn't but, but I will often say that, you know, it's not nice when, when, when you're spoken to like that, and that's not your fault. So, you know, taking responsibility for that, but not layering it in with trying to make it up to them in ways where they have to kind of make you feel better about the way you've responded, because it's no child's responsibility to make us feel better, and to look after our feelings. And so that's just one thing that I have noticed with parents is that making sure that we aren't layering in our own shame and guilt and, and the way we're feeling in that repair. And also that we are the ones that are going to the child too, take responsibility for that, that interaction or whatever happened, because even if that your child is behaving in ways that are unenjoyable, there's often something going on for them. And they have the less developed brain and nervous system and awareness that us as the adults, if there's been an altercation, if there's been us yelling, or if there's been a blow up, or there has been something that's happened between the two of you that it when we really honestly look at it, there's, we have a part to play in it, there's something that we could have reacted differently. I'm not saying that we're going to do it all the time, but it's us taking responsibility for that. And I really, really feel that no child should come to an adult to apologise for whatever happened, that we, as the adult need to take responsibility for our own actions in that and our own feelings, and go to the child. And eventually the child might say, Yeah, I'm really, you know, I'm sorry for this, and this and this as well, depending on the age, you know, as they get older, they will take more responsibility for what their part in it as well, but really waiting for a three year old to come and, you know, say sorry, to the parent for whatever they did. You know, that's really where a lot of us developed our beliefs that it was our fault, or that we were responsible for our, to make things okay for our parents. And that's something that many adults still are working through now. So really being aware that as the adult, we are the adult in that relationship, and that we have the power, we're older, we're bigger, we're stronger, we have a more developed brain and nervous system, we have more awareness of the world and social structures and our culture and all the things. And so as the adult, we really need to be the one moving into repair when we have when there's been a rupture, and taking responsibility for our own actions. Now, I don't always get this, you know, in quotation marks, right. But even if it's been a day or so ago, or even if it's been a few years ago, or even if it's been, however long looking back and going, Ah, yeah, I really did have a part in that. It's never too late to go and say sorry, to your child, it's never too late to go and say, hey, you know, last year, when we were having that really tough time, I'm really sorry, I was, you know, this isn't this was my part in it. And that will go a really long way with however old your child is, you know, if it's a teenager, you can go and say sorry for things that have happened a while ago, and that will really help repair that relationship, and really help the child feel seen and heard and understood by you. And it will go a really long way. When you take responsibility to to initiate that repair with your child. And you know, if it's a really young child, it's going to be more play, it's going to be less talking and more just actions around play and cuddling and laughter and as your child gets older, there will be more dialogue and talking and explaining and and then a bit of play and, and connection afterwards. So and then in the teenage years, it might be more dialogue and then just hanging out and watching a movie together or doing something fun together afterwards to really just reconnect and reinforce that your love is greater than anything that happens between the two of you. So hopefully that helps with what a repair would look like and feel like and really around and if it's hard to repair, if you find it really hard to say sorry and to repair and you stay stuck in like what he did this and this and this. Again, take Kinect to your listening partner and looking at well, who said sorry to you when you were a child? And did any was Was that something that was modelled to you and looking at what that looks like because some of us find it really hard to say sorry. And some of us say sorry, a lot when it's never really not even, we haven't even done anything. And so looking at apologies and saris and repair, and how that was modelled to you can be a really good way of then being able to model this to your child in the way that you would like to. So hopefully those questions are helpful for today. If you have any questions that you would love me to answer or any topics that you'd like me to talk to, please email me or send me a message on socials. Because I really love these episodes where I get to answer some of your questions. Next week we'll have the parent, the grandparent episode. So there was a couple of episodes coming around how we can talk about this way of parenting with grandparents or carers or partners to help them understand this philosophy and this paradigm. So the next couple of weeks are really, really big week. So I look forward to chatting with you again soon.

Shelley Clarke  56:23

Thank you for listening. This episode was brought to you by 21 days of play my self-paced course to help bring more play into your every day. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram at Facebook @_ShelleyClarke_. If you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen. You can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com. Thank you for all you are doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.