How to ease the transition to school with Shelley Clarke

With the start of the 2023 school year fast approaching, listen as Shelley shares the things that she does to help her children transition to school, kindy or childcare.  Whenever big transitions like this happen, there's going to be some feelings coming up about a new teacher, a different classroom, different friends in the classes...
 so if you want to know where to start, start here!
 
In this episode you'll learn about:
- Why it is important to identify and understand what is yours in this life transition
- How you can help your child move through the feelings around school
- How to make sure you child feels connected to you before drop off
- Some of the attachment play games you can play in the lead up to school
- How to prepare and tackle the 'after-school' behaviour

If you want to help ease your child into a connected transition to school, then this is the podcast episode for you!

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Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

Shelley Clarke  00:00

I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things mind and body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in. Today's episode is brought to you by kids in Adelaide. For all the best events, activities, places to visit and things to do with your kids in Adelaide and around South Australia, visit www.kidsinadelaide.com.au. Welcome back to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. And I'm really excited to be back today, I'm going to talk about transitioning to school, and how we can help our children. And I really hope that you're all having a wonderful holidays and have had beautiful time over the Christmas and New Year period. It is nice to be back podcasting again last week and a couple more weeks. And you know, were at school. So I thought I would talk a bit about the things that I've done in the past to help my children transition to school. I've got one starting kindy this year. So this will be still relevant if you've got a child starting kindy or even childcare. And even if they've been at school for a few years, I will still be using these things with you know, my daughter who's going into year three, she'll be starting a new school next year. And my son who will be going into your five this is still it's it'll still be relevant. Because each time you start a new year, there's going to be some feelings coming up about a new teacher, different classroom, different friends in the classes, you know, all of those sort of things. He's going to have some feelings about those. So where do I start? First of all, as always, starting with ourselves. So you know, just being aware of your own feelings around your child starting school, and I'll aim this predominantly at the kid that starting school, so your five year old, but you know, is relevant for 6,7,8. And you know a bit earlier if you're dropping them off somewhere. But generally for that five year old, you know, how do you feel about your kid starting school. So you're going to enlisting partner, a therapist, talking with your own partner talking with a friend, just sharing your own having a space to share your own feelings about your child starting school is going to be helpful because working through your own feelings that come up around it means that you're less likely to project those feelings into on to your child. If you're anxious about your child starting school, they will feel that and of course they'll think Oh, mom's anxious about this. Dad's anxious about this, there must be something to worry about. So, you know, that's, that's where I start with a lot of things is what's mine. And had it you know, asking myself some questions, things like, uh, what was it like starting school for you? Do you remember? You know, what was it? What were your teachers? Like? What is your general feeling around school? When my son started school? It wasn't until I started to unpack this and have asked some questions that I realised I had a lot of anxiety at school during school when I first started that I'd never been aware of. And so things like running late to pick my kid up, I would get a lot of anxiety, I'd have to be on time. And I'd have to be even early to make sure that he didn't ever wait. And when I unpacked that, you know, there was a couple of times in early in my schooling where, you know, I was having to wait for my parents to pick me up. And again, these aren't huge things in a parent's mind. But often, if we have feelings that we aren't able to process in the time, they can come out many years down the track. And so having a space to process your own feelings is always the place that I start and asking yourself those questions now it can be journaling. It can just be talking with someone it can be having a big cry of feelings come up. It may be your first child going off to school and there's there's grief and I was really The sad when my first child started even when my second child started, and I can't even imagine what I'm going to be like when my third child starts. So you know, having a space for your grief, because then once you've processed that, you're able to show up in the way that your children need you to. Okay, so you've dealt with your own feelings, you've had a space for those to be heard and felt and move through. The next piece that I would talk about is having information. In a way of parenting, one of the needs that we talk about for children is the need for information. When we have information, it helps our nervous systems and our bodies feel safe, we know what's coming, we're not kind of on high alert of like, oh, I don't know what to do here. Because we've been given the information. And so this would look like you know, transition visits, this will look like talking about it with your child working through what it's going to look like in the morning, do they know what time they need to get up and leave and get out the door, who's going to take them to school, do they know that drop off spot or where to meet you, or you're going to be outside the door, or you're going to be at the gate, you know, working through all of these things so that your child has the information. Now, the way I often work through that is through play, children learn through play, they process their world through play. And so setting up a game where we are playing the steps of what's going to happen in the morning means that they will really understand it and remember it. And so we will play schools, but we'll play school drop off. And this is where you hang your bag. And this is where your books go. And this is where your classroom is, and we've walked through it, you know, at home in a pretend setting, but then our children will often remember that. So making sure our kids have the information that they need is going to be really, really helpful. So we've worked on our own feelings, we've given them an information and made sure they know what's happening. There's been so many times, especially with my third child that I forget to kind of tell him the plan for the day, because the other to know it, and have been hearing us through conversations. And I forget that a lot of that might go over our the child's head. And he might say Mom, what are we doing today, and I go, Ah, sorry, buddy. And, you know, then give him the information of what we're doing for the day. So, you know, taking that time to make sure your child knows what is needed and where their lunchbox goes. And all of that sort of stuff is going to be helpful. So we've done the information piece, then what you know, then what we talk about or what I would, what I create space for our home, feelings. And so and that can be either through listening to crying, and or play, attachment play. And if you are new listening to the podcast, Hello and welcome. But also, I have a whole episode last year on Attachment play attachment play comes from a web parenting. And there's nine different types of play. I think episode 20 or 21 thing, it's 21 is around attachment play. And, you know, it goes through all the different types, so you can have a listen to that. But really what we're wanting to do is help our children move through the feelings that they have around school. And that can be done through their tears and through crying and listening to, you know, the meltdowns. And it can also be done through play. So let's talk about crying. First, what I would be doing is creating or making space for any of the feelings that come up around school. One thing I hear parents say and do is, you know, my kids really anxious about school, don't talk about it until you know, the morning of or, you know, we're not talking about school because it brings up feelings for them. So just don't don't mention it. And I would say that, you know, from about the week before school starts, I'll actually start to mention it. School starts in a week. And then I wait. And then so you're opening up a space for any feelings that your child might have around school to come up and be heard and listened to and processed and move through. So a week before I might say hey, school starts in a week. How are you feeling about it? And even if they can't tell me how they're feeling about it, just pay attention to when they start to cry or if they having a lot of feelings come up when One year I went school shoe shopping with my kids. That was fine. They were excited about that, because they're excited about school starting. But then they got home. And there was a huge cry over something quite small, whether it was lunch or something I did, not how they wanted it. But it wasn't about that thing it was, I was able to tie the two together. And girl, we just went and did school shopping. And now, once we're home feelings have come up about something else. So it's fair to say that it's, you know, probably the excitement and worrying concern and all the things coming up about school that they're crying about, rather than me cutting them sandwich the wrong way. So, have a look or be mindful or be open to any feelings that are coming up in that week before and just create space for it. It's very easy for us as parents to say things like, you'll be okay, you know, your teacher, or you've got little Johnny in your class, you'll be okay. or dismiss it and say you're a big kid. Now school is so much fun, or any of these things that really aren't validating our child's feelings and aren't validating their experience. And often, we're just trying to jump in and fix it, we're trying to make them feel better. But the way to help our children with transitioning to school is to listen to their feelings and to validate what they are feeling. And this is a big time for children, they're going to be in school five days a week, and away from you for you know a lot longer than they than they used to. So, you know, allowing space for their feelings and validating it. And it might just be that you repeat back what the child says, I'm worried about not having any friends. And you say, Yeah, I hear that sweetheart, you're worried about not having any friends. If you're not sure what to say, when you are listening to your child, crying and tears and feelings, just repeat back what they're saying. And if they're disappointed about, you know, not being in their friends class, you can just say, Yeah, you know, you know, in size class, I hear that that's hard, I get it. And you know, empathise with them. And often, once they've had a space for those feelings to be processed, they're okay with whatever class that they're in. So creating space for the feelings and listening to that anytime in the week leading up to the weeks leading up, but often the week or the few days before leading up to school, really helpful. Then I'll also be playing school. So you know, we've played schools with the information piece, so you walk walking through, you know, where they're going, what time they're leaving, all of that sort of thing that can be helpful just to process what's going to happen. But we can also play schools, and this might be more for once school started. But also leading up to school, I'll play schools where I'll say to my child, or children, Hey, who do you want to be, and they might be the teacher, they get to be the parent. And I'm often the child. And you have these games where they're in the more powerful role, and you're in the lesser role. It's a power vessel game. And they get to process what's happening through being the more powerful one, which creates lots of laughter and giggling and work through feelings of powerlessness and fears and anxieties. And if you the child, you might be the one clinging to their leg and say, no, no, no, I don't want to leave. And they're being the parent and they get to laugh and giggle and say, No, you have to go and whatever they are worried about, they will process through play. So just giving them some opportunities before school starts to play. And it might be 20 minutes, and you just sit back and see where they take it and they will show you the piece that they're worried about. So symbolic play is going to be your best friend through this. And it might not just it might not be when I say symbolic play, it might not be as literal as oh, let's play schools. My son didn't do as much role playing as my daughter when when they started but he played a lot of like animals and tigers and lions and the lions were in the more powerful role and he was you know, the lion and my husband and I had to be you know, the other animals. So he was playing out his feelings, but they were, you know, it was animal based. So your child might not want to play schools. But you just sit back and say, Okay, well, let's play whatever you want to play. and they will show you very quickly what it is that they're working on. And it might be through, you know, lions and tigers and animals, or it might be through their dolls or their trucks or, you know, some sort of mat imaginary world that they create. But it's helping them to shift the feelings that they have about school. So I wanted to talk a little bit about the night before, what I do in the morning, what I do for drop off what I do after school. So you've got some tips and tools to help you through each of these transition times. So the night before, again, I will up the connection and up the play. So it might be some rough housing, lots of body contact games, where they were nice and close, where we're snuggling, where there's some rough housing, maybe there's a pillow fight, lots of giggling, lots of laughter, and lots of closeness and connection. Often, there will be some feelings come up the night before. So I will listen. And it might be 20 minutes might be half an hour of some big, you know, crying about starting school. So, you know, the night before is really a focus on connection, and listening, either through the laughter and through play, or through listening to tears and crying. First thing in the morning, I will, you know, it can be really easy as parents to, you know, we're often getting ready for work, or we've got our own things for the day, it can be really easy to forget about connection, and a child wakes up and we start to bark orders at them. Or we might say, Come on, we're running late, get ready, he's going to have breakfast, get dressed, can you please get dressed, or maybe they're playing and you've asked them to do something five or six times and everyone's getting rushed. And it's frustrating. And that is going to heighten your child's nervous system. So you know, first thing in the morning or in the morning, I often make sure that I'm up before or I've gotten my stuff done. Or just being really aware of my own body and what my nervous system is doing and how activated I am trying to stay in that calm and centred place. So that I can be playful with my kids in the morning. If I'm running late, if I'm worried about something, then it's very hard to meet our children where they're at, if we are activated and have our own feelings coming up. So making sure your own needs are met. And you've given yourself plenty of time and space so that you don't feel rushed and you know, having to get out the door. But first thing in the morning, I will often try and focus on connection. So you know, it might be 10 minutes. And if we can focus on connection first, what I find is that the rest of the morning tends to go a lot more smoother. So you know, it might be 10 minutes of playing blocks, it might be 10 minutes of playing a game with your child, whatever they want to do, it might best be a 10 minute snuggle in bed, and you're having lots of giggles and laughter. And whatever it is, it's so that they feel that they're really connected to you and they really feel you they feel your presence, they feel your love, which will fill up their love cups ready for school. Other games that I will often play where I'll crack, you know, pretend to crack an egg over their head and it's a love egg and it fills them up. I also will focus a little bit on connection in the morning that they can maintain and feel throughout the day. So I might put some little note in their lunchbox, or a little special rock or an item that they can take to school and have in their pocket or having their bag that you know when they see it. They remember me and you know they feel our love and connection and it can help provide that sense of safety for them throughout the day. I often feel that that little item up with love so are blowing it or I'll rub it on my heart and make sure that that's really full of love so that they've got that for the day. The other thing that we've done in the past is throwing a little love heart on my child's hand and filled it up with love like a petrol station or I've you know, kiss that 100 times or put it on my heart and said I'm filling up this love heart with love. And then anytime they're worried or stressed at school or missing me they can squeeze that love heart on their hand and get a love shot up their arm and you know, fills them up with love and my daughter really loved that we did that probably every day for a whole term. Were we filled up with our little ritual of filling up the love For the love heart with love, and then she would, you know, she would squeeze it and it would give herself a love a love shot. And I did the same thing. And so then every time I squeezed it, it reminded me of her. And we just had this little little connection that she could return to throughout the day. So there's some little ideas for connection and connection in the morning. The other thing that you might need to offer in the morning is a loving limit. So if your child is, you know, whinging, or whining or stalling on something, or if they're having some unenjoyable behaviours, maybe they're annoying a sibling or yelling at them hitting kicking those things you want to come in with an offer a loving limit, but remember that the limit is there for that as a no to the behaviour, but we're saying yes to the feelings underneath. So yes to their fears, and worries and tears and the things that are underneath. So there's been many, many times where I have listened to feelings in the morning. And how do we do that, if we have to get ready for work, I would create enough space for it. So you know, if you need to leave at 830, then at eight o'clock, I often say, you know, it's time to go, we're going to school now. Or if my child's you know, behaving in unenjoyable ways, as a parent, really noticing that, that's not going to go away. So as soon as you notice that your child's having some behaviours, or having some feelings, and there's, you know, an enjoyable behaviours with his feelings underneath, then offer a loving them at early. Because if we kind of say, Come on, you'll be alright, let's go, come and have your breakfast or hear, you know, play this for a little while, and then we'll get going. If you see that as feelings bubbling underneath, that will continue. And the behaviours will continue to get bigger and bigger and bigger until they have a chance to offload them and shift those feelings. So I'll say to a parent offer a limit early. When you notice that straightaway. There's been many times, especially for after school pick up that I can see my children have feelings, and I'm like, come on, you'll be right, let's go outside, let's play. And I almost am distracting them out of their feelings might work for 10 minutes. But you know, little while later, they're added again. And then it's really because they've got feelings in their body, and they need to shift them and process them. So offering and loving them early is the way to go. So as soon as you see something off of that limit, and and then you're listening to feelings, so and if you're doing it early, it means that you're then not worried about time, you're not worried about being late, and you've got the space to stay calm and listen to whatever is coming up. So there's been many times where I will listen in the morning. And I find the more listening that I can do at home or in the car means that when we're actually at school in the classroom drop off, it's much easier. If I've distracted and avoided the feelings or morning then drop off can be really hard and they're clinging and they're having to be pulled away. And it's not nice for anyone and it's stressful. And so the more feelings you can listen to, outside of that makes that drop off, often a much smoother. Other things that you might find first thing in the morning is that all of a sudden your child that can dress themselves that can do their own things just can't do it. They're rolling around on the floor, they're stalling getting dressed, they're not eating their breakfast, you know, you've asked them to do things, you can offer a loving limit and listen to the feelings or I'll come in and use play to connect with my child and to move through those those tasks with connection and laughter. And so we'll play a game called getting dressed, where and there's different variations of this and my five year old who's well and truly been able to dress themselves for a couple of years. It's really not about getting dressed. It's about do you see how hard this is for me? Do you see that starting school is a lot and I've got a lot of feelings about this. And can you connect with me? And are you here for me? And so I will go and play with my child and help them get dressed even though I know that they can do it themselves. It's actually about the connection and the laughter and that helps move the feelings and then they're able to do the rest of the morning themselves. And so we play a game where you might like throw the clothes at the kid and they have to get them on or maybe you're trying to get their shirt on their feet or you know their pants on their arms and you're going come on Why is this not why can't I get this person dressed? My daughter and I play another game where we I put her into a funny position and I say, don't move here, across her hands and legs over. And she's in an awkward position, like a pretzel. And I say, don't move, I'm just gonna go and get your clothes. And as soon as I turned my back, she moves, and I come back, and I act all surprised that she's moved, I put on that clothing, piece of clothing. And then we do the same thing again, for each piece of clothing. Now, these games sound elaborate when you explain them, but they really only take three or four minutes of time, five minutes of time, 10 minutes, it's not very long. And I often say to parents, you are going to spend the time, either way, you're going to either spend the time nagging, or repeating yourself or getting more and more frustrated, asking your child to pack their bags 100 times or so that's, that's time consuming anyway, and then we get frustrated and we lose it. And you know, it's, it's an irritating morning for you. Or we're going to spend the time just connecting with them for five minutes and pausing and having a little fun game that puts their shoes and socks on. That's time spent as well, but often that it's enjoyable for you for a start up, there's laughter There's connection, you're in relationship with each other. So there's you feel together and often, that will then might take five minutes out of your day morning to go and do that. But it means that the rest of the morning often runs so much smoother, that it's faster in the long run anyway. And so it just requires us to maintain our call and to know what's going on here and to see it and to work through those feelings, either through listening or through playful games, we might also do some heightened seek or some a chase a game or anything like that, where there's lots of connection. So that's the that's the morning, if it has been a bit of a tense morning between everyone. Often once we're in the car, I'll play some games where just some nonsense silly games, maybe I'll put the car into forward, but I'm turning around to look and pretending to reverse. And then when the car goes the wrong way, I get all confused. Maybe I put a say to my kids, okay, let's go and I'll put my foot on the brake and go Come on, why is it not going? Those sorts of things will get the kids laughing and helps to shift any tension that there might have been in the morning with getting out the door. We also will put on music and dance and sings or using our voices helps to shift our feelings and bring our body bring our nervous system to a calm and relaxed state, which is helpful for them for their learning. So we sing and dance on our way to school often, or play silly games or whatever it might be for drop off. So once you're inside, you're in the classroom or you're in the yard and you're, you know, maybe your child is clean to your leg and drop off is really hard and they don't want you to leave. But you have to get off to school work. And, you know, drop offs can be the drop off part can be really hard. Now I find that the more listening you've done previously, the night before the morning of in the car, whatever it might be drop off is a bit easier. But you can play some games around drop off as well. So you know we play a game called the longest hug where one will both be hugging in which we're trying to do the we're trying to be the ones that have the longest hug. And so you don't let go. And then eventually your child's like, Come on mom, let me go and you might be hugging for two minutes. But you know, every time they go to move, you're like, No, no, no, I'm hugging you for longer. And they they often giggle and laugh and then they're running off really easily. Another one we play is sticky hands or velcro hands where I pretend that my hands are glued to them and I have to hold them and I can't leave them because my hands are stuck to them. And then every time they try and like pull away from me, I'm just like, I can't let you go. My hands are stuck to you. Again, they're in the more powerful role they get to choose when to leave. There's laughter There's giggling that helps loosen up that tension. And quite often, you know, drop offs much easier. Same with Velcro hands, you just pretend that your hands are Velcro. And then when they go to get away, you make a Velcro kind of noise that the velcro makes as it's sort of being ripped apart. And they think it's hilarious. There has been many, many times when I'm dropping my kids off at school that I'm playing games and there's six or seven kids around me because they're wanting that connection and laughter and kids are like, you know, moths to a lot with with games and attachment and play. And so, you know, often we're playing with all these kids again, where maybe I'm, you know, saying I've got to go to work, now you better let me go, and then my child's blocking the way and these kids won't let me out. And I might know I'm going to be running late, I really need to go, you have to let me go. And I try and get through this circle of kids. And they're all blocking me and laughing and think it's hilarious that I can't get to work. And it might be that I've got nowhere to go. But it's just that the, these games help shift those feelings. And then when it's time to go, it can be seen later. and off you go. And, you know, we've had many, we've had a lot of hard times with separating. And even, you know, my daughter who was in year two, last year, we would play these games often. So, you know, drop off games can be helpful as well. Also, with drop off, just making sure that they know, you know, if the teacher can be around, and they can hear you can hand them over to the teacher, often my daughter really liked being able to hold my teachers hand or sit down next to the teacher so that she felt, you know, until she felt safe to go and do her own thing. So kind of handing over care to to your teacher, so that the child knows like, okay, yep, I'm here, now I'm in a safe place. And that can make transition a lot easier as well. Okay, so you've done the drop off. And I know this sounds like a lot, you don't have to do all of these things I'm just working through the things that we have done, you can pick and choose. And it does sound like it's a lot more time. But honestly, playing for five minutes makes such a big difference. And it can often be much faster and more enjoyable for all of us. So you've got them to drop off, then there's the after school pickup. So the after school can be huge for some kids, most kids, especially when they're first starting school. So as soon as you see your child, and they run to you, they can already have feelings bubbling up from the day. With kids at school, they will hold it together, they'll hold it together the Hornet together all day long, until they see you until they get to their safe space. And a lot of the feelings can bubble out. And so it's very common for me to work with parents that their kids are great at school, the teachers say that they're perfect, they listen, they, you know, they're well behaved all of these things. And then the parents are really struggling at home with big behaviours with an enjoyable things that are happening. Because, you know, your child's held it together all day until they come home. And so it's helpful for parents to have this awareness. Because your child isn't being naughty, your child's there's nothing wrong with them. They're just offloading the tension from the day at school. And so some people, some kids might find it tricky to transition out of school, back to the car and back to home. And so we'll play some games like they get to choose how they walk home, walk back to the car. So there might be an animal kangaroo or a giraffe or something that you'll pretend to walk, you know, silly walks or animal walks back to the car, you might pretend to be an aeroplane and you fly them back. You might they might jump on your back. And it's a train and it's a train ride home. Anything like that to help shift that transition. I play another game called Check your role here. And so when they come up to me in the schoolyard, I'm like, hell, let me just check. You're here. Have you got your arms, you've got your legs, you've got your ears. Let me see if you've learned anything today. And I like put pretend to appear in their ear and go, Yeah, I can see some things in there. And I think it's hilarious. So anytime where you can bring in some little games like this will be helpful for your child to process their day. So again, when you're home, it might be that you're offering a loving limit. If you can see behaviours going off and they've got feelings there. It's about listening to those feelings early. You might need to set a limit five minutes before it's five minutes after you get home. Sometimes my children don't even make it they get it as soon as they get in a car, their their sibling looked at them the wrong way. You've bought the wrong sort of food for them to eat. You've forgotten something you you know, it will bubble up as soon as you get in the car sometimes and often I will. There's been many times where I've sat in the car and listened or I've got halfway home and I've pulled over and I've just said Hi sweetheart, I'm right here I'm listening. Sounds like you've had a really hard day. And that's all I say, and and then allow those feelings to come out. And so I often say to parents to try and have the first 20 minutes, half an hour, or however long it is that you you can fit in to just connect after school, it might be that your offer limits there and listen, it might be that you bring some play, and you do some roughhousing, and you read rollover, or you play Chasey, or whatever it might be. So either you're playing and reconnecting or you're listening to feelings and reconnecting in that way. But I find the more time that I can spend with them to reconnect after school and makes the rest of the evening go, you know, again, much more enjoyable. If I'm busy, if I'm saying I've got to do this, I've got to get dinner started. And you know, all of a sudden, the kids are screaming at each other, or fighting or whatever it might be, because there's feelings there from the day. One of my favourite quotes is from loions Cohen, and he wrote playful parenting, and also wrote the opposite of worry, which is a great book too. So he will say, Remember, children don't say I had a hard day at school? Can we talk about it? They say, Will you play with me. And I've seen that many, many times. You know, my kids may not be able to articulate what they're saying, especially five year olds, five, it's still really hard for them for children to tell you how they're feeling that you know, language, or the ability to be able to identify what you're saying, or what they're feeling and articulate it comes more like 89789. And even some adults, you know, we I find it hard to sometimes know where my feelings are coming from, or what I am feeling. And so, you know, we often ask five year olds to say, you know, tell us how you're feeling how's your day, and they aren't able to articulate it, children are very much in the moment. And so when they get home from school, they might not be able to tell you what's going on, or what's wrong, or where these feelings are coming from. And that is developmentally normal. And I would say to a parent to just allow the space for the feelings. It might be that they're crying, it might be that you're having a good play and laugh. But it's often not until after they've had those feelings, that they're able to say, I didn't have any friends at school today, or this, this and this happened. And so really allowing space for that first, before we come in as parents, we may often want to fix it and say, well tell me what happened and what's wrong. And, you know, our own anxieties of making sure they've had a good time, or making sure they've got friends can get in the way of being able to listen. And so really, you know, there's been many, many times I've bitten my tongue and close my mouth and just nodded or paused and listened, and not jumped in and said, Oh, but you should do or have you done or what about or tell you know what happened. And we can come in and want to fix things for our children. But the, the way that they feel heard and listened to and validated, is when we don't say much at all. And we just hold space for whatever it is that they are sharing. And they will start to articulate more about their day as they get older. But for five year olds, often it comes out in their behaviour, and then feelings, their tears, and or play and, and meeting them through the laughter and connection and power reversal games and symbolic play and all of those things. Actually, with symbolic play. Don't underestimate the power of that even once you've started school and down the track and trying to work out if there's something going on for your child. Symbolic play will be a great way of of working out what that might be. There's been many times where I've said to my daughter, alright, let's let's play schools and I followed her lead and she said I'll be the teacher in NewBee the student and you have to put your hand up, and I'm not going to see you but when you need to go the toilet, I'm not going to answer you. And I'm like, Ah, okay, so My poor child sitting in school, needing to go the toilet with their hand up and not being noticed. And, and then you know, having to be bused into the toilet and, and so, when we played out this game, I was able to, you know, say to the teacher, when she needs it at the toilet, she's, you know, really busting can she just go or signal to you to go rather than waiting for you to notice So waiting to say, you know whether her hand up, because she's really uncomfortable. And that's, you know, that's why things are happening in terms of waiting too long and accidents happening and things. So once we work that out, we were able to advocate and go to the teacher with with a solution. So that that was a scenario that we were able to work through to find out what it was. And to help her. There's been another time where we've played it. And I was able to the way I thought the game was gonna go wasn't, wasn't what she played, which was a really good reminder that the children know what they need, and they will take the game in the direction that they need to. And so once I stopped and went, Okay, I'm just going to follow you, she showed me the dynamic of what was happening with, you know, in the classroom, for her what it felt like for her. And this is another thing to remember with our kids. It's their experience, whether this happened or didn't happen. And you might go to the teacher and say, Oh, this is how they're feeling. And the teachers are like, what this is so different to the way they experience the classroom. But it's about listening to your child's experience and the way they feel in the classroom. And so the play in the games will show you what they are feeling and what they're processing from their day. So symbolic play will be helpful, even once school started and you're well, you will in it in it, it will help you to find out and just listen to your child about what's going on. Okay, so just a bit of a summary and recap. We have looked at our own feelings around school, and you know, talk to the listing partner and process those journaled, whatever it might be, but really looking at your own feelings around kids starting school. We've given them information, they know where they're going, what time what, where to be picked up, who their teacher is all those things. Then, you know, the week before, we're creating space for feelings, we're sort of saying, hey, school, starting in a week, waiting to see what comes up the night before offering lots and lots of connection. And roughhousing, and power reversal gave them plenty of opportunity for fears and anxieties and things to shift and move. The morning of school again, connection to start with, and it might be jumping on the trampoline, it might be moving their bodies, it might be snuggles and laughter But focusing on connection, there might also be offering a loving limit in the morning to for feelings to come out. There might also be some games where you're playing around getting dressed or brushing teeth, or having breakfast and making it fun. And laughter will help ease the tension on the way to school. Again, fun games, singing will help with any feelings that are coming up. When you're at drop off playing games like sticky hands or Velcro on pretending that you can't see them and they've already run off but they're standing right in front of you. If there's clinging to your leg, pretending that you've got a koala stuck on your leg and you can't shake it off. Or that you are wondering why you can't move. And it's really hard to walk because there's someone holding on to you. You know, lots of nonsense schemes, fun games for drop off silly waves waving goodbye with your arm or your elbow. We do a winking wave, or a bat wave or a foot wave and you know, waving goodbye and you're often waving goodbye to six or seven kids. And it's this fun and laughter and makes it so much easier for the kids to say goodbye. So dropping off and then you're getting to pick up you wanting to reconnect and spending the next you know the first half an hour or so 20 minutes, whatever time that you can manage, even if it's two minutes, deliberately connecting with them, looking at them and saying, Oh sweetheart, I've missed you so much. Or let me just check and make sure you're all here. Are you the same kid? Have you grown I think you've grown from this morning. And you pat them down and you you know pretend that they've grown. The kids will love this they will laugh that will help them feel seen and heard and understood about how big their days been. And you know, so play and laugh is helpful for after school. You will also have the feelings so a lot of the after school time is listening to feelings. It might be offering some limits around their behaviours because straightaway, they might be throwing their bag down on the ground. They might be attacking their sibling verbally or physically, so you know, you're gonna get in there and offer a limit and not let those behaviours happen, but you're allowing space for the feelings to come up. And this is how we help our children to process their day. And then before bed, it might be similar roughhousing, I often find that you've had the whole evening after school. And it's not until you lay in bed at night with your kid that they are, you know, doing the bedtime routine that they actually start to then tell you about their day, because they've had a chance for all of the feelings to shift, and you're lying in bed, it's dark, it's safe, and they can sort of verbalise what it is that they that you know how their day has been. And then it's rinse and repeat, you do the same thing, you know, for as long as your child needs these tools. And like I said, we've going into year three with my daughter. And this is something we still do daily with her. And it's from varying degrees, it's not that all of it, it might not be ours, but there might be a five or 10 minute game in the morning. And if there's something that is causing some anxiety, a talk or a presentation, or something that they're doing at school, a test, you might find that the feelings kick back up again on those days. And so these tools are things that you may use in varying degrees throughout your whole child's schooling time. But certainly, you know, for the first six months or so, these tools are really, really helpful to help our children to transition to school in a really loving, they feel seen, they feel heard, they're able to process the experience. And often when they do that, they're able to learn and take in information and you see, you know, their schooling and their learning really shining as well. So hopefully, that's helpful, sending you lots of love. If you've got any questions around starting school, send me a message on social media, send me an email, I'm more than happy to answer anything. I also have my reset challenge coming up. So the reset challenge is three nights free with me in a zoom call, where we talk about ways to reset your family and I thought it'd be great to do at the end of school holidays right before school starts. So the reset challenge starts next week. It's Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, next week 23rd to the 25th 730 to 830 Australian central standard time for daylight savings time, actually. So it's 730 sa time, which is eight o'clock Eastern Standard Time. Except for Queensland because it's not daylight savings. So anyway, 730 sa time work, work out the time for you guys, wherever you are. There will also be the replays so you can register for that there'll be a link in the show notes. Like I said, it's free. We ran the challenge last year and I had 100 people register for it. And so it's the same as the one that I ran in July. But the first night is talking about us and how we can work through our own feelings and what's ours. Second night is what's theirs. Looking at our child's behaviour, what's underneath it, how do we help with that? And then the third night is that actionable. swats action steps can you take towards shifting the family and the dynamic and moving through whatever is challenging at the moment in your family. So the reset challenge is next week. The link will be in the show notes. So if you'd like to join that I would love to have you and yeah, that's happening next week. So have a wonderful last week of school holidays and I'll be back with another podcast episode next week. Have a lovely day and bye for now. Thank you for listening. This episode was brought to you by 21 days of play my self paced course to help bring more play into your every day. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram at Facebook @_ShelleyClarke_ if you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen you can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com Thank you for all you're doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.