Finding purpose alongside mothering with Emily Bagaric...

Re-establishing who one is outside the role of Mother is often layered with conflicting emotions, connecting to purpose and sinking into your why can help this identity shift. In this episode of the Mind, Body, Parenting podcast Shelley chats with Emily Bagaric about coming back to oneself for inspiration, joy and a more fulfilling life!

Emily  Bagaric is a former teacher, circle holder, parent coach and motherhood support practitioner, passionate about transforming the way that mothers meet themselves and therefore raise their children.

In this episode you'll learn about:
- the importance of having support structures in place
- why it is more than ok to show up imperfectly in all aspects of motherhood, life and business
-  what the practice of feeling into your body can do for you and your children
- the strength that comes from connecting back to your inner power in micro moments
- how to offer play and connection when kids behaviour is hard... and so much more!

If you want to feel more connected to purpose alongside your mothering journey then this is the podcast episode for you!

21 days of play course

Continue the conversation with Shelley here:
https://www.facebook.com/shelleyclarkemindbodyparenting
https://www.instagram.com/_shelleyclarke_/

Connect with Emily Bagaric here:
IG - @embagaric
FB - @ebagaric
www.emilybagaric.com

This podcast is produced by Nikki O'Brien from Quintessential Being

Transcript

Shelley Clarke  0:00  
I wish to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands I live on. I pay my respects to the Kaurna people elders past and present, and honour their ongoing traditions. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host, Shelley Clarke. Here I talk about all things mind and body and how this relates to ourselves and our parenting. I envision a world where children are seen and heard, and parents feel supported and less alone. Join me here in the power of story, expert knowledge and lived experiences. Let's dive in. Today's episode is brought to you by kids in Adelaide. For all the best events, activities, places to visit and things to do with your kids in Adelaide and around South Australia. Visit www.kidsinadelaide.com.au. Welcome to the mind body parenting podcast. I'm your host Shelley Clarke. And today I'm very excited to be chatting with our guest, Emilhy Bagarick. Emily is a former teacher, circle holder, parent coach and motherhood support practitioner, passionate about transforming the way that mothers meet themselves and therefore raise their children. She lives works plays and unschools on country with her two children and partner. She offers circles nature based playgroups, workshops and one to one support. Welcome, Emily.

Unknown Speaker  1:36  
Thank you, Shelley. It's so lovely to be here.

Shelley Clarke  1:39  
Thanks for coming on and having a chat today. This is take two. We tried to do this the other day. And it's something that we'll talk a little bit about today. In today's chat. I'm sure my son was home from kindy on the day that we had organised to do this podcast, and I was really determined. I was like, No, nothing's gonna derail this today. And, you know, I thought I'll set him up. I played with him. I had snacks and, and he was watching a TV show. And yeah, he kept coming in and we didn't get it done. We tried really, really hard. I think I want to talk a bit about balancing the, you know, motherhood and business. And we'll get to that a bit later. So this is take two. So welcome. I'm super excited to have this chat with you today. So yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2  2:31  
Thank you. Yeah, no, it's lovely. So lovely to be here. And I really loved that we tried. The other day was beautiful.

Shelley Clarke  2:39  
It was a little dry run, I think, if anything, and sometimes it can work with kids. And sometimes I was like it was just too distracting. This is take too. So shall we get started. I know you and I have connected over social media, we've never actually met in person, or the second time we've chatted now, you know, as live as it can be a resume. And so maybe let's start with what you do now, your journey to getting to the work that you do now in the world and a little bit more about you.

Speaker 2  3:12  
Beautiful. Thank you, Shelly. Yeah, it's lovely. It's always so nice to connect in as real time as possible with people in my online world. So yeah, I guess my journey began, really, I've had a very common thread with working with children. Throughout my whole adult life, I've nannied for many, many, many families over the years. And I was a teacher. And I guess my, my journey and my work to what I'm offering now, which is working alongside mothers and providing support in in the way of Yeah, different bonds, like one on one and workshops, and I've often circles and listening spaces and just Yeah, being that support that we're all needing and craving in this modern motherhood, that we are all journeying. And yeah, I guess the evolution from my teaching Korea just really evolved quite naturally as I became a mother myself. And I think something that is so powerful for me is, I guess in the last few years, by probably about three years ago, I really started connecting with a lot of different spaces online and I attended a circle. And that kind of led me into some more longer mentoring group spaces. And yeah, just the power and the medicinal benefits that I got out of that for my own self and in that yet it's really took hold in My parenting and just in life. And I'm just so passionate to be able to provide that to other mothers now. Yeah, sorry. I think that that, that sort of sums up the journey, there's been always been a really consistent thread with children and families and, and that support. So I guess it's like, you know how I've come to know your work in the world? And I feel like yeah, we're quite aligned in in many ways. And, yeah, I came to a way of parenting a few years ago as well. And yeah, just looking at those ways of connecting with our children. Yeah, I guess, in new ways than what we may have experienced in the past. And just a real shift in that parenting paradigm. And yeah, I just love everything that you, you share, and speak about. And in this podcast, it's been a really big part of my journey, as well. So thank you,

Shelley Clarke  6:00  
ah, thank you so much. And it's so lovely to hear your journey and your story. And I think it's always amazing. looking back and seeing where we've come from, and realising that we've, you know, children's been a really big theme in your life all the way along, and it's part of your purpose and, and how that evolves over time. I really love hearing people's stories. So thank you for sharing that. Yeah, I love hearing your story. And, and, you know, the work that we do in the world is so important in terms of supporting mothers and parenting in a very busy world. And we know that parenting has changed our understanding of what children need, with connection, and you know, but we need that support ourselves. And that can be really hard to find. So I think the more people doing this work in the world is amazing. And I think we talked intake one around, providing or supporting parents, because the biggest change for me was when I received support from my own emotional well being, and my own, you know, what was going on for me, meant that I could meet my children in that same way. And I know, that's what I want to talk a bit more about with you today around our emotional needs, and support for ourselves and support for then how that flows on in our lives. So we're gonna talk a little bit about that, and how that looks for you. And maybe how that has changed over the last few years within your parenting journey.

Speaker 2  7:43  
Yeah, absolutely. That's a beautiful question. And it's so fundamental. And when you spoke to that, recently, I had this image when I was working with some beautiful mum clients, of his mother holding a baby. And then this other woman figure behind and like, to the side of the mom, and it's just this like, concept of like, who's holding the mom whilst we're holding our children? Yeah. And so beautifully spoke to that. Yeah, I think for me, that feels like it was the missing piece. And I wasn't particularly aware of it. I think it's one of those things that you can look back on once you've kind of journey that and then be able to look back and reflect and like, I really wasn't meeting my emotional needs, as you said, like, you know, live in such a fast paced world, and there are so many things going on, in our day to day lives that, yeah, we can become, or we just sort of on autopilot and quite disconnected from our bodies and our emotional states. And, you know, life goes on. So, you know, to be able to sit in those emotions and feel them and give them space. Yeah, it's not something that I was doing much of, and I wasn't really aware of it until I began to, yeah, as I said, like access spaces where, you know, circle was a beautiful way in for me to experience that where it was, like, it was pretty revolutionary, really, like by I remember my first circle where, you know, we just shared and no one said anything back, you know, in life. It's such a, I mean, it's so healing when that happens. And yet, you know, I think, collectively, we are not particularly great at listening. Yeah. Yeah. And we, and, you know, I see that too, like with our kids, like, you know, we, we tend to want to go in and fix or destroy act and take away those, you know, tears and the pain and all the big emotions, because we haven't had that. So yeah, exactly as you said, once you, you felt that too, that was really my journey of like, having that experience for myself, then meant, like, I can feel what this feels like. And then I'm Yeah, it's almost like when someone listens to me and reflects back with this beautiful reflection, or just sends me like love and compassion. I have that felt sense of what that's like, when I can hold space and listen to my my kids like big tears and feelings. And yeah, so I, for me in my work, like it is such a, it's almost like there's two pillars, really. And it's like us as the mom. And we're the parents, but you know, I particularly work with mothers, and then it's our kids. So when I'm looking at those emotional needs, what can we do for ourselves, to really take care of our emotional landscape, so that we can then do that for our kids, because I really don't believe that we can hold that space for our kids, if no one's holding us.

Shelley Clarke  11:20  
Yeah, and so well said, I agree. I think it is the really big key, this way of parenting. And when I say that, I mean, you know, aware parenting, conscious parenting Hand in Hand parent, anytime, where we're trying to meet our children's needs, and emotional needs, and listen to feelings and hold space and do this sort of deep emotional work with our kids. I think it's so hard to do. I think if we the big key is having support for ourselves, I think we just I don't know if I would be able to do it if I didn't have support structures in place for my own work and my own emotional needs. So I really love that visual that you've just described of two pillars, us and our support. And then our children. I think that's, you know, really amazing for people to, you know, people listening to understand, because I think we can focus so much on what's happening with our kids and, you know, changing our kids and getting, you know, like, we want to help our kids and we want to work on what our kids are going through. Sorry, my dog is in the background. And if you can hear him on the podcast, Banjo always likes to make an entrance. So I apologise if people can hear barking. He'll quieten down. So you know, like we always focused on the kids. But what about us? So do you want to talk a little bit more about what does that actually look like for you? And for the women that you support? And some practices or things that are your go twos? That might be helpful?

Speaker 2  12:57  
Yeah, beautiful. Yeah. Well, I think I mentioned that listening, listening spaces. And, yes, something that I have. I mean, I use a voice messaging app that some people might be familiar with. It's called boxer, there's, there's, you know, other ways that you can do this as well. But particularly, that has been really beneficial. For me, as a mother, primary caregiver, at home with my kids a lot of the time, it's a really good way to be able to jump in and just speak out, like, what I am feeling and what's going through my head. And I find that once I speak it out. Yeah, it's just sort of like that movement of emotion through my body. So that's been a pretty big tool. For me, I have a listening Partnership, which has, you know, just really transformed my emotional well being, I think, in the last year, that I've been gifted that beautiful space, as well as, yeah, my own spaces, like attending circles, where I feel that yeah, is supportive, you know, finding I mean, you know, my online, world and network has really, you know, opened up for me a few years ago when I kind of started accessing that. And I guess, again, you know, in the early years of motherhood, my my boys are five and a half and three. And so, yeah, it's about sort of finding out what works for you in terms of your time and energy. So, yeah, online spaces. I know, it's not for everyone, but it's certainly been, you're really a supportive way of being able to access that practical support. So you're listening and also something that I know has worked for me in the past. Just any other mums that I work with, is just, even if it's not a sort of paid group or you know, you're not getting that support from someone else, even the benefits of speaking it out on, you know, in a voice note on your phone, you know, that can be sometimes just enough. Because, you know, I know that I've journeyed with this as well. And, you know, you might have people in your life your partner or friends or family that you may tend to go to, or you've been to in the past and just thinking about that listening space that you get, you know, how that feels, you know, if it's, if it does come with some advice or solutions. Yeah, and sometimes that doesn't gift us just that time and space to let it out. There's kind of difference there that I have seen, and really felt for myself, what are some other tools? Like, self compassion, and love? If that is one thing that I could, yeah, sort of gift to mums on this journey of, yeah, tending to their own emotional needs. And then those of their kids like we are, we're not perfect, nor do we want to be, our kids don't need perfect, they don't actually benefit from us being perfect. Mothers. And when I say perfect meaning like, you know, wanting to show up in that connected aligned way, all of the time. It's actually not humanly possible. So when we do have a rupture, or we do, which I do time and time again, react from a place of disconnection, I've got a lot going on, or haven't gifted myself the time and space to let something move through. Yeah, just coming back to that self compassion and love piece of, you know, I'm doing an amazing job. And I think, yeah, it's hard to do like it's a practice. But I do notice how it has changed in you know, times that I would have had a kind of rupture or reacted in a way that didn't feel good, that I would have like, held on to some pretty heavy, like guilt and shame for quite a long while afterwards. Whereas now I can, you know, it may still be there occasionally. But like, I'm much better at just letting it, letting it go. And just yet attending to my own own needs in that moment.

Shelley Clarke  17:51  
I love that. And I'm sure you've got probably similar practices, but I just want to jump in there. For those listening because I find my inner dialogue has been one of the biggest things that has changed as well over the last, you know, doing this work for eight, eight or so years now. I've got a 10 year old and we probably started when he's about to my inner dialogue has really shifted like I said, I would rupture or have something not go how I wanted it too and would spiral for days or it would hold on to it for days. And I would say Oh, you're such a bad mom. You're so terrible and what's wrong with you? And you should have been better at this and look at you you're so unorganised, you know this harsh in a voice? What are some phrases or some things that you say to yourself now? So that that we've got practical tools for people listening, that they could really start as of when they pause the podcast or at the end of the podcast? Just so we give some tangible things that what do you say to yourself just out of curiosity, if you want to share? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2  18:56  
I noticed and I'm doing it now as I'm speaking this, I tend to put a hand like somewhere on my body and it's on my heart at the moment. And for me that brings like a physical sense back into my body. Like it's almost like yeah, alongside the words of yeah, that that compassion piece of like, oh, no, almost giving myself like a hug. I think that's been really powerful too. Yeah, what do I say to myself? I am enough. I am safe. Particularly if there's like a lot of anger or rage that I'm feeling. You know, in those moments, is just reminding my body and my brain that perceives this major threat, which is this my child doing this big behaviour that I'm really struggling with? I am safe. I am enough and I'm doing an am Excellent job. Mm hmm,

Shelley Clarke  20:04  
that's so good. I often say because a couple of things that I, if it were time, when we're running late getting out the door is a big one for me. And so I often place my hand on my heart as well. And these are beautiful practices I've learned from Marian rose, and many of us have, or different embodiment practices. But when I say I've got plenty of time, you know, you've got plenty of time. I take a breath, and I say, I've got plenty of time. And that helps slow me down. So I love I love hearing what people say, because it's really helpful. Yeah, for those listening. So thank you for that. So I want to circle back around to the bit about Voxer because and voice messaging that you said, sort of said as the first thing that you are told that you use, because I have found with Voxer, when we move things through, or even just leaving a voice message for myself, like you said, moving it through your body is really powerful. And that's what I talk a lot about as well. So I'm so glad you mentioned that. Because I think it's the the action of speaking it out loud. And I loved on your social media the other day, you had a quote something along the lines of when I speak it out loud, I come back into my body to talk about that process a bit more what that feels like for you.

Speaker 2  21:29  
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it is that that movement, isn't it? I know, some people resonate more with like, actual movement in their body dancing and music. It's just something I've really come to know about myself. And also journaling works really well. i Yeah, processing things through my voice. And I think it is and can be really powerful. Yeah, that that idea, I guess, of speaking it out. And which brings me back into my body. Often when those thoughts and feelings ruminating or going round and round. I mean, I can often like just sort of hear them on repeat or feeling of like, tension in my body. And I guess it's just the process of, yeah, letting it out much the same way as if we have a big cry, or, you know, like, it's, it's, it's coming out of our bodies. And the process of like, feeling into my body has been a practice and is a daily practice. And I like to do that with, you know, my senses. You know, different ways that I can do that is looking out at nature, if I'm inside, or if I am out in nature, just looking. Looking to the trees, it sounds really simple. But I'm doing it right now, as I'm speaking. And there's something about looking out to nature, or in nature. That brings me back into my body. And yeah, just so that I can feel the sensations. So it might be that, you know, as I said, like, often I hold tension around my neck and shoulders. And it's just that feeling of now that I've voiced it. Like what am I feeling now? Am I feeling tension? Have I still got it there? Yeah.

Shelley Clarke  23:38  
Yeah. Yeah, amazing. And yeah, I've I talk a lot about that with the clients that I work with as well with with Voxer, or voice memo, the action of speaking it, even if I don't respond straight away, or even might not even need a response, the process, a tool that we can use at home, is to go and just speak it. And I think that's for parents at home, even if you don't have a mentor in Voxer, or, you know, aren't working with anyone in particular, just having it in your own voice memos can be helpful. And it's been something that if I feel like I'm getting more and more activated in my body, and tense and I feel like any moment now I could go and you know, that can spill out at my kids. I will take my phone into another room and just start to talk because that like you said the process of speaking it out loud, helps me to ground back into my body and then I can go back out and go okay, guys, let's see what we're up to here. So I think that's a really powerful tool for people to to try.

Speaker 2  24:46  
Yeah, and I yeah, sorry. I love that experimental ways with it as well, like, you know, just to experiment and see how it feels for you. And you might really resonate with it. So yeah, I think a great place for anyone to start, if they feel called is to try that voice memo. And one thing I yeah, just came to me as you were sharing that piece, it helps to just giving voice to our emotions. And that, yeah, what's moving through us to then kind of transfer into that space with our kids as well, you know, when we are starting to feel activated, or tension in our body, or that emotion coming up for us, so that we can use it and say, you know, around our kids and give them that language, like, I am starting to feel really, like tense, and, you know, this feeling really, you know, feeling really stressed, because we've got to get out the door. And, you know, I think that process of starting to use our voice, if that feels new to you, to express our emotions, which in turn, which is what, you know, it's such a beautiful practice and gift to be able to model and show our kids. Yeah, to then because I think that expectation of them to be able to, like, you know, us to teach them about their emotions, and then to be able to use the language is really hard when they're not experiencing that through us or having that model to them. So yeah,

Shelley Clarke  26:28  
I so love that piece. And absolutely spot on, I think, you know, they, they do what, what they see, you know, they learn through being around us through bathing in our, the way we are the relationships around us, you know, how we model this to our kids. And so yeah, I'm the same, I will often just, you know, I might even start to like dance and shaking in the kitchen and just be like, Oh, I'm feeling really tense at the moment, and I'm feeling nervous about this or worried or a bit stressed or frustrated that this isn't going to plan or the more I can kind of speak to what my what I'm feeling means that it makes sense for our kids, because they're feeling it. And giving some language to what I'm feeling helps them to go, Ah, okay, this is mums feeling this, and it makes sense to, you know, to their bodies. So I think that's a really great piece. The other thing that I found helpful, actually, and I don't know if you do this, too, but sometimes I would go and text my husband and I would write out what I was what was sort of happening in the heat of the moment. And I would pick up my phone and go to text him and say, Baba Baba, and like sort of offload in this text message. But I would find the process of doing that meant that it helped me to come back into my body, and I could then go and meet whatever behaviour was happening in, you know, in the house. So that was another way that I found helpful. Yeah,

Speaker 2  28:09  
I love that I've actually used that myself. And yeah, you just like really highlighted that, that emotion has to go somewhere. And so it's either gonna come out, you know, to our kids in front of our kids. And so it's like, it's about practising those ways of, yeah, how we can express those emotions in a really healthy, healthy and resourceful way. And yeah, even that simple process of like texting what is happening? Because if it doesn't, there, and that text message is gonna come out that my kids yeah,

Shelley Clarke  28:48  
yeah. Yeah. And it took him a little bit of time to he would read it and be like, Oh, no, I've got to get home. And she's having a terrible day. And, you know, he, I now have to sort of say, just to vent, because he would come home and be ready. And, you know, how's your day out? Oh, yeah. It's been great. Because that takes message standard, like it was World War Three. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. I said that. It's all passed. Now. We've had a great afternoon. And so if you are text messaging anyone for those listening, just a little, you know, just vent or a little heads up for them that they don't need to come in and fix it, that it's just a process or a tool to use to. Yeah, like you said, help shift and process our own feelings so that it doesn't land in unenjoyable ways on our kids, and there will be ruptures. And I might talk a little bit more about that rupture and repair process, which I've talked about before on the podcast, but it's always nice to be reminded of it. And so yeah, the yeah, having having that space is really, really powerful. You mentioned before about that, you know, as a culture, we're not necessarily great at listening. Do you want to talk to me? About what how is your listening changed over this time? And what are some things that you actively do or have realised around listening to because it's a skill, being able to listen really well to our kids and to ourselves is, is something I've had to learn? What sort of things or have you noticed around listening?

Speaker 2  30:31  
Yeah, it's such a good question. And I, yeah, we all have capacity to do that. But yeah, I too, agree that it is a skill and one that we can practice. And it's not an endpoint of like, oh, yeah, I've made it. I'm a great listener. It's just that process, right. Yeah, I think the biggest piece for me, is that awareness when I am listening around, like, is there anything here coming up? For me? I mean, particularly, I guess, early on, when? Yeah, that felt quite new in terms of just being in spaces where, you know, someone wasn't, I wasn't going to be met with, you know, advice, or, or within, you know, their experience or like, solutions. You know, and then, you know, I was able to reciprocate that, just being aware of like, how that felt in my body. Like, sometimes it felt uncomfortable. Because I, I had to become aware of like, when I naturally wanted to go in and, and say, you know, yeah, whatever that that is that natural, kind of, like, you know, thing in us that we want to just go in and go oh, you know, I want to take that pain away, or, yeah, you know, so I think that awareness piece, and you know, that still happens for me when I'm holding space for someone just like, it will come up and think, ah, yeah, okay. That's okay. That's there. You know, I know that that's not what I need to do. That's, you know, not what this is about. And I think, because I've been on the other end of that, listening. And I've been listened to and heard in such a compassionate way that I just, yeah, I have that felt experience of what that what that is like. So I'm able to come back to that in those moments and just go, Yeah, I know, there is deep power in this. And even as you mentioned before, like, you sometimes don't even need a response or like to have it actually heard. Although that can be deeply healing in many ways. You don't always need that, like it can be just enough, you know, to express it and get it out.

Shelley Clarke  32:52  
I love that. I love that. Yeah, does the not trying to fix it, I think is something that takes some time. And I suppose if for those listening, if you're thinking oh, how can I listen? Better? I don't want to look better on it. But how can I really listen to my partner or a friend or our children? Just like you said, being aware noticing the parts of us that want to jump in that I have certainly got a part that wants to fix someone's pain and wants to put my like, oh, yeah, have you tried this and most of us when we are chatting in just our friends groups or out with a friend or at a barbecue, that's often what we get? Is that two way conversation. It's Have you tried this? And what about this and, and what we are talking about is, is one person really listening or offering that space for the person to have their full expression without having that come back. And it takes practice to do to not jump in. So I think that piece around awareness is so powerful just to notice the bit that you you know, I want to rescue people. I want to make it all okay for people. But I noticed that part and go nope, don't say anything here. Just listen, just listen. Because it often people will come to their own solutions with

Unknown Speaker  34:21  
it. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  34:23  
same for our kids, too.

Speaker 2  34:26  
Yes, yeah. But you brought that in, I was going to say that. Yeah, often, you know, we're wanting to like, have these practices and tools to, you know, hold that space for our kids and work through emotions and all the behaviours. And it's like that listening piece if we're wanting to do that, and I agree, not in like a better way. Just a more, I guess, connected and aligned way. This is sort of what resonates for you. That yeah, It's such a great place to start that practising with ourselves as adults, if we can find, you know, just one other. And even if you have a partner, or if Yeah, with a friend, that you can even just begin to talk about those ways, and like, I just really want to express something, I'm wondering if you can just, you know, listen, and you know, not share any advice, like, you know, that that's possible to start doing that. Because it's really hard to then transfer that to our kids and hold space and not want to fix because as you said, that's, yeah, often the biggest part that we just want to come in, and it particularly I think, when we're when we're looking at kids, you know, we have, obviously adult perspective on the world, and we have our lived experience. And I mean, often we think we maybe know better, and we've experienced, and, you know, so we want to, like, it feels so obvious to just say, Well, you know, blah, blah, blah, but yeah, that's sort of what we're talking about here is to, to just honour that expression. And just knowing that when that is heard, and held, that it will shift and change, and you know, all emotion is just constantly shifting and changing for us. Yeah,

Shelley Clarke  36:27  
I love that. What are some other practices because I know you talk a lot about sort of, you know, we've talked about listening partnerships, and, you know, voice memo and speaking it and moving it through and coming back into your body, looking out to nature, giving yourself that self kind of hug or touch, which helps us come back into our bodies, self compassion, and changing that inner dialogue to be more compassionate. Any other practices that you have used for yourself? And, and I want to talk a little bit about slowing down, because I know, that has been a part of your journey as well. And how can we bring that into a very busy lifestyle that many of us have?

Speaker 2  37:15  
Yeah, absolutely. As you've sort of lifted off those and like, yeah, there's a lot there isn't. They're just like, little ways that we can start to incorporate and I just come back to that experimental piece of just try what, try one thing and see how it feels for you. But I think that's always such a beautiful place to start. But yeah, I was going to add slowing down. And I often say slowing down where possible. I don't like to kind of say slowing down when you know that that is sometimes hard to hear when, you know, you live like full lives and, you know, for in a really busy season of mothering. I mean, I feel like they're all busy seasons of mothering, they just shift and change. Right. But yeah, sort of slowing down is this concept, which sounds, you know, beneficial, and like we all need to do it. But I think the like, how how do I do that is the really sort of hard piece to grapple with. And I guess the biggest, I don't know piece that stands out for me is like, micro micro movements, I come back to like small steps, whatever kind of resonates with you. But when we kind of look at the bigger picture, like to try and like radically slow down our whole life, you know, can be too well, that's kind of too much too soon. For many of us, you know, we've got multiple kids and different different needs, and all the rest of it. So is there one place in your day where you can bring in some slowness? Like it might be, you know, without being too rigid, like, it doesn't have to be the same time. But same thing every day. Often I get stuck with that. I'm trying to Yeah, bring in like a ritual as an example. Just if there's, at some point, like an end, bringing in your senses, like to whatever, like the more senses you can bring into a moment in your day, you know, like, I'm sure we've all heard about, you know, having a cup of tea, like, just, you know, the whole process of like putting the kettle on and, you know, if we can bring our awareness you know, often we do so much of our day on autopilot and we're not really in the moment. So if there's one thing in your day, I mean, I have a cup of coffee, or make it home most days every day. And it's like it's a really ritualistic experience from May. And it's a moment that I know. Not always. I mean, the boys are sometimes needing me or, you know, like, there's yeah, there's things going on. But for the most part, that is a time of my day that I can just begin to Yeah, come back to myself. Move slowly. And I think that's just a nice way to start with those micro moments. In the day, I also I know you've we talked about it, but that nature looking at nature was one thing that landed for me a few years ago in a group container. Where, yeah, just say, the busyness and sometimes up, I think it was like, getting out for a walk in nature, like just, you know, felt like, ah, that would be amazing. But it also felt impossible. Like I had a newborn, and a two and a bit year old. And I was like, I can't, you know, yeah, like, it's, it sounds so simple. Like, can I not do that every day? But I was like, No, that feels really challenging. And so I remember someone saying, you know, if you can just wherever you are, if you can look out a window or a door, and see something in nature to just bring yourself back into your body, like into that awareness. So I guess when I talk about that body experience, like, just trying to bring in you as many senses as you can, you know, to that to that moment, and what you can see what you can hear what you can smell or taste or touch. Yeah.

Shelley Clarke  41:39  
I love that so much. And I also love the point around micro moments because I look at my life and we've got three kids, they're all to applying sport to a plank, several sports, my youngest hasn't really started sports yet. husband works, I work. The the notion of it Yeah, just slow down. It can be really, that can be overwhelming, like, Where Where am I there's another thing that I've got to add to my to do list, slow down, which is, you know, put on the down the bottom of all the other things. So I really love your point around micro moments of slowing down, because that's actually, what has probably changed my nervous system the most, is having these moments where I come back into my body, and I'm aware of my surroundings, or what I'm drinking, or what I'm doing, or even might be one breath. That's a micro moment of coming back into the body. So I really love that because we can do that, you know, several times throughout the day, it doesn't necessarily mean we have to, like you said, Find 20 minutes to get to the nature somewhere and wherever that might be. But, you know, we don't have to do that. It's finding little moments throughout the day. And I think that is really, really powerful.

Speaker 2  43:02  
Yeah, yeah, it's so true. I think where we can make it. Yeah. achievable. And like feel like it can flow yet and be manageable in our already busy and full, beautiful lives. Yeah.

Shelley Clarke  43:20  
Yeah. Amazing. I wanted to ask a little bit about well, two more things rupture and repair, which I've spoken about on the podcast before, but I think it's always and you touched on it before. I kids don't need perfect, they there's no possible. It's just not possible to be perfect. And this way of parenting all the time. I have moments every day with my kids that I'm like, get a bit frustrated or a bit antsy, or something happens that respond in various ways. Sometimes it's quite a big rupture. Sometimes it's just a little moment. And so this is hard to do this way of being and being aware and conscious and taking responsibility for our own actions and emotions. And so what does rupture and repair look like for you? And you know, what do you say? And? And how does that look just so that people get an idea?

Speaker 2  44:16  
Yeah, sure. I guess. Yeah, it can look a bit different depending on both of my boys, my eldest, if we have a rupture and can be, yeah, that was sort of disconnected and we've still got a bit of energy that we haven't moved or emotions. He struggles with that apology and like coming into actually that repair process with words. And so I know for us in many times that we've had lots of ruptures. The best way for us is to come back in with connection and play. I, you know, I just get so much goodness from you and your your space and your work, and you've gifted me so much in that playing connection. So yeah, I know you've spoken to lots of athletes before, but um, yeah, and and I think for me, it's around holding that guilt and shame. And you know, as married Rosa beautifully talks about, like the guilt sticks, if you're not aware of her. Yeah, so putting down those guilt sticks, which has been in practice for me, but I'm getting better at being able to Yeah, notice when I'm doing that, after I've had a rupture, and because it's really hard to come back in, in that repair process would like to, to have a repair with our kids when we're still you know, holding that guilt. seekin Shame sick. So, yeah, I think that that's a big part of the process for me, just and so, you know, there's probably not many times where I haven't had a rough show where I don't go and speak it out. Yeah. Yeah, I will go and Yeah, jump into Voxer. And, yeah, voice or, you know, a message my husband or we've, we talked about that. So that I'm kind of yeah, really moving that emotion for myself. And just knowing that that repair process, you know, sometimes we don't get, I think what our adult brains want from a, you know, repair, we want everything to be ah, we're all like back to beautiful, connected, loving, you know, relationship, which is still there, but our kids, yeah, particularly my oldest, you know, like, I can get there with play. And I just need to remember that. Yeah, it's not about me and my needs. It's yeah, it's about that connected relationship. And that, you know, you can come always come back and repair like, days, weeks, like, yeah, that repair process. And I know, for me, if I do more of that work around the emotional, like, yeah, movement and letting go. That repair process is so much different to when I've done it in the past. And I'm still holding those feelings and trying to go into a repair. Yeah,

Shelley Clarke  47:28  
yeah, I love that. Because I know that too, if I haven't quite processed it yet. And I'm still a bit annoyed, or a bit frustrated, or whatever it was that caused the repair anyway, in the first place. If I go in too soon and haven't had that time, then I'm confused a bit, there's a bit of tension still with that rupture, or with that repair. And I'm, well, the two things can happen. Sometimes I'm wanting my child to make it all okay. And that's when we can over over apologise and, you know, really want them to, you know, make it all okay for us. And that's noticing that, and that's where we need to go and keep working through whatever it is that's coming up for us. Or, like you said, going in and having wanting it to go a certain way, wanting my kid to come in and say, yeah, it's okay, Mom, I love you too. But actually, just playing with it and recognising that, you know, when we've processed our own stuff, and we're okay with it, we're not carrying that these guilt sticks, or we're not making this bigger than what it needs to be, we can come in and play with them. And it can be as simple, you know, I'm really sorry, that happened. And we can play. Let's play again, let's connect. Let's laugh. Let's giggle and then we just move on. So yeah, I love. I love that. But it is really important to have our own stuff worked through first. I think that's a really great point.

Speaker 2  49:01  
Yeah, yeah, I agree. I couldn't agree more actually. And yeah, you just kind of are highlighted as well around. You know, I think sometimes for me that that difference is really obvious around as adults, you know, when we when we're holding a motion, like, it's so much harder for us to like, let that go. Whereas, you know, when you kind of do that process with your kids, like, it's like, yeah, we just move on, like, carry those.

Shelley Clarke  49:30  
I don't they don't hold one but once I know that it wasn't their fault, they don't take that on. They're not then responsible for our feelings. Once they know that and we apologise we own it. They they move on really quickly. And the other thing that I think comes up with rupture and repair, which is really hard for some parents is offering play and connection when they there behaviour has been really hard. And we know that there's probably needs underneath their behaviour. But I talk a bit about with parents and it comes up a bit in workshops and things where? Well, I don't want to give them play when they've just been behaving in this way. Which can be really

Speaker 2  50:21  
hard. Yeah. Yes. So hard. Well, yeah, as you know, and used to speak to so beautifully, yeah, to access that play. Yeah. When we're holding our own, whether that's your judgement on what they've done, or, yeah, that behaviour, then, yeah, it's super hard to access that play. And because we're just carrying all that story around it. So to be able to unpack that somewhere, or Yeah, like, I have that heard. And, you know, yeah, like, because a lot of that's our own conditioning, right?

Shelley Clarke  50:56  
It is. And it is, it's like, it's the old sort of paradigm or conditioning of, you know, not rewarding a child who's behaving, you know, quote, unquote, badly. But really noticing that a child that's behaving in really unenjoyable ways, needs more of our love, they need more connection, we need to pour more love into them on them. Because they're feeling really disconnected or they've got painful feelings underneath, or whatever it is that's driving that behaviour. I think that's really big one to remember with rupture and repair. And as an adult, it can be hard to put out, like, you know, work through our own conditioning. So I love that you've talked about processing that somewhere. Because then we're reminded, oh, actually hang on, they're struggling, and they need us. So the other thing that I wanted to touch on and we talked about this right at the start is business, motherhood and business and how that's been for you. Because even on our take one, when we tried to do this, we talked a little bit about it. And so for those listening, who are mothers and starting a business, or have a business, really want to say that I see you, I see how hard this is. Thank you for all that you are doing. And let's talk a bit about it. Because, you know, I know there are people talking about the how hard that is, but how have you found? Yeah,

Speaker 2  52:31  
gosh, it's such a big topic. And yeah, I see, I see you, I see you doing what you're doing. And yeah, to everyone out there, who's just Yeah, I think just navigating motherhood in general, to add on something else on top of that

Shelley Clarke  52:50  
is huge. And yeah, like I want to just jump in it might be business, but it might be work it and it might be like, whatever it is, you know, it's it's navigating ever all of it?

Speaker 2  53:03  
Yeah, yeah, there's so much there's so much. One thing that I, I guess that I've journeyed. And this has just been my experience is getting really clear on my why, and what that means for me. You know, we often talk about the analogy of like, filling up our cup, that you know, that we can't pour from an empty cup. And so, you know, what, what are those things that, like, so fill us and you know, that is so unique to every single one of us. So, you know, a few years ago, or not that long ago, I feel like I'm not really sure what that would have been or what that was. And yeah, I guess there was a level of like disconnection, as well as feeling just like, at the time, I didn't see it this way. But maybe in hindsight, looking back, you know, just feeling lost or just swept up in the the mothering motherhood, the day to day, the life, the complexities, there's so many moving parts. And, you know, so many mothers that I work with and have spoken to can relate in, you know, their own unique way on that journey of, you know, coming back home to themselves. And I guess that's been the process for me. And, you know, just what that has looked like, and it has been claiming more of that for me and saying, you know, I'm worthy and I'm deserving and this is something that really fills me up so that I can go knocked back into it sort of feels like I'm compartmentalising it. But, you know, when I do this work, and I'm able to support mothers, you know, it fulfils me so much that I can then yeah be the mum that I want to be like, again, not perfectly not all the time, but it gives me so much to be able to take back into my family and my own. Yeah, life and relationships and everything else kind of flows from that. And yeah, it's messy, and is imperfect. And I like the concept of blending, motherhood, or mothering and business, or mothering and work or, you know, like, whatever that is. Blending to me. I don't know, just like a visual as opposed to like balancing which, yeah, it feels like almost impossible to sometimes get that balance. And I'm not sure that we ever get it because, you know, like, we're one person. And we're trying to, you know, be in all these these different places and spaces. So for me, it's Yeah, and, and feels more fluid for me, I guess. Because, yeah, things shift and change. And just like, I don't know, like, we've you had sickness and things come up, and kids need a day at home. And, you know, so. Yeah. It's, it's been a journey that I'm still on. And I don't think we ever get there to that place of like, oh, yeah, we've like, we've nailed it. But yeah, that where we can, yeah, offer ourselves some fluidity. And, yeah, movement we seem. And just coming back to that why piece, I think for me, has been really pivotal around, you know, why am I doing this? And you know, in those times that it does feel really like tricky. Like, yeah, I'm going to take this time, and I'm going to do this. And, you know, I need to get the kids cared for or whatever that looks like. And that's hard. Like, that's really hard to do. And so it's helpful for me to come back to that. Why, like, why am I doing this? Yeah.

Shelley Clarke  57:16  
I love that so much. It's like, it's the sense of purpose and why the things that fill you up. And you said, which gave me goosebumps, so I'm going to repeat it for the for those listening. And I think it's really powerful. Coming back home to myself, you know, you said, when I've worked out my why, and realise the things that I, you know, that you love doing these things, and you have that purpose, or that sense of why you're doing it, that you come back home to yourself. And I had that same experience to where these things that I've done over, over the last few years feel like I'm coming home. And it's so hard to describe any other way other than it feels like you come back into your body, it feels like you come back home, where you're like, This is what I meant to be doing. This is what lights me up. And, you know, getting, working out what your y is, I think is really incredible. Because it means that you, like you said, being lost in early mothering. And I think the journey that many mothers go on in these first few years is, is then finding who we are outside of the role of mother. Because we're more than that, you know, what else are we here for and our purpose and what lights us up? And that I love these conversations with people? I love asking people what is it that lights you up? What is it that fills your cup up? And those that sense of coming home to yourself, I think is really incredible. I don't know if there's a question in there, there's just, it was just like a point to be like, I love that so much understanding our why? Because, yeah, that that really is what drives a lot of my work. What's my why, and why am I doing this? And, and so I think it's really powerful. How did you get to that? If someone is listening to this? And they don't know, maybe they're in early mothering or the first few years or maybe it's more than that maybe it's 10 years down the trap or wherever it is. How did you do that? And I know that's a very big question. It takes a long time to get to that. But you know, if someone's going well, I don't really love what I'm doing. What is my purpose? What is my passion? I don't know. Where would you say for people to get started or?

Speaker 2  59:50  
Huh? Yeah, it is such a big question. And I do yeah, I'd like you. I love this conversation. I think One thing that has been really big for me is just coming back to myself as in, you know, I think we can often get stuck in like looking around at others and, you know, that can be good for inspiration. And, you know, but when it becomes maybe not so helpful and to Yeah, you know, do the comparison or like, what are we doing? So that sort of one, one point that I think has been really big for me is to just come back to me, like, you know, walking my path, and, you know, is, we are all so unique. And so what one person finds joy in, you know, will not look the same as us. So wherever we can come back into our bodies, and start to really experiment, and just like, you know, what does that look like? And I think, you know, I don't know, one thing I've been having, in this conversation recently around, you know, I think about as I journeyed into motherhood and mature lessons, and I kind of had this sense that, you know, pre motherhood was, I don't know, just like, a short time before I became a mother, and then, you know, I think there's so much of life that happens for us before we become mothers. I mean, obviously, that's, you know, different. It's not about age or anything, it's just, there's so many parts of us, that are still there, like, they're still within us, that we may just, yeah, have, like, forgotten about or coming back to. And, yeah, there's so much tied up in that motherhood. It's such a big topic, isn't it? What are we supposed to be doing? And yeah, yeah, so I think I think the piece around staying in your own your own lane and just like, working out what that is, and you know, that that can be experimental? And, you know, to just play with it? And, you know, can you try some things or, you know, work with someone or start speaking about, you know, yes, and desires or things that you think might, might be of interest to you? And sort of go from there.

Shelley Clarke  1:02:30  
Yeah, I love that. And it changes all the time, um, you know, been doing this. What's my business now, a few years old for maybe, and it changes? Yeah, I'm still I feel like, I'm feel like, I'll be forever working, you know, out what my way is what I love coming back, over and over again, coming back to myself. So it's not something that you find out overnight, you know, generally, sometimes, sometimes you might have a big hit of like, oh, this is what I want to be doing. And the idea drops in. And other times, it's a process so, but I really love the idea of a notion of coming back to ourselves and coming home to our bodies. I think that's really what my journey is like, ongoing until, until the end, because it's always about coming back home to our bodies to ourselves to who we truly are, and expressing that more and more in the world. More and more authentically. So

Speaker 2  1:03:30  
I love that. Yeah, that's so true. Like, the one constant we have is, yeah, our bodies and that change is inevitable, and permission to change our mind. You know, I think, I don't know. I mean, so much of our cultural conditioning of like, yeah, you choose this one thing, and you're gonna, like, do that for how many years? And that's your career. And yeah, like permission to just change your mind as I did when I became a mother and thought, yeah, you know, what I was the way I was supporting parents before does, yeah, it's not what feels most aligned to me right now. And I'm going to shift and change and it felt uncomfortable at first. But yeah, I think the more we can give ourselves that permission. And yeah, be in spaces where we can see other people doing that. So, you know, fluidly. And, yeah, I

Shelley Clarke  1:04:27  
love that so much. Anything else that you wanted to share around understanding our own emotional needs? I think there's been so many things that people can take out of this conversation and implement and try and having those little micro moments of coming home to your body of voice and mellowing or speaking it out as a way of coming back home and balancing, you know, coming back into balance and, you know, looking around and tuning into our senses and Finding those little moments in our day, and there's just been so much, is there anything else that you wanted to share and talk about? around that?

Speaker 2  1:05:09  
I think we have covered so much. I feel like there's one piece that just keeps coming back to me time and time again, with anyone that I work with is, you know, and one of my biggest passions now is to walk alongside mothers knowing and guiding them back to themselves so that they and we all know that we have what we need inside of us. And I think that's been such a big part of my journey of the spaces that I've come from in education and supporting families in quite a different way of like, you know, kind of this external, someone else needing to support me, and, you know, I mean, entering early motherhood, and the age that we're living in with technology and information, like there's just so much out there. And it can be so overwhelming at times. So yeah, if there's any way that, yeah, we can just remember this, like that remembering of, you know, we've got it, we've got it inside of us, we may need some support, or some listening or some guidance to sort of access that or come back to ourselves. But just to remember that you've got everything you need. Hmm,

Shelley Clarke  1:06:43  
oh, my gosh, I love that. Because I feel the same, I think so often, we give our power away, and wait for an expert or someone to tell us what to do or to help us. And I know, I have that feeling often myself around that I'm just, I just want someone to tell me what to do. And often that stems from me as a child where I went through school, and they were telling me what to do all for many, many years of my life, told me what to learn when to learn what to hand up, you know, or my parents told me, we're going to do this, this and this. And so it can be a remember, it's a remembering of who we are and what things we love to do and what makes us happy and all of those things and that the answers are within us. And I know that when I'm waiting for, I sometimes get into that place of I just want someone to tell me what to do. If I have a reminder of like, you've got the answers, you know, you know what to do. It's it's within you just listen to yourself. What is that? That I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, they are. They're a journal, I might talk I might share, I have a big cry. And the answers come there they are within us. So I really, really love that. And love how the visual of you walking alongside mothers, because often we just we need that mirror reflecting back, or the listening space to be held. But we don't need someone to tell us what to do. And you know, that we are the expert in our own lives, I think is a really beautiful

Speaker 2  1:08:25  
reminder. Yeah, yeah, I so agree. That's such a beautiful reflection. Yeah, we have it, we have the answers within.

Shelley Clarke  1:08:37  
Hmm, so amazing. Well, thank you so much for this chat. It's been really great, incredible. And tell us a bit more about where we people can find you and your offerings and what you are doing at the moment, just for those that want to come and connect with you a bit more.

Speaker 2  1:08:58  
Yeah, thank you. Surely it's been such a joy. Such a pleasure. I really enjoyed this. Yeah, I guess the best place to find me is either on Instagram at the Garrick. And my website, which is Emily mcgarrett.com. And my offerings will be on my website. But yeah, I have a couple of spaces for one on one support with mums. And that's really, it can be completely tailored to you know, what your needs are and what suits online via zoom and also with that additional voxel support. And yeah, I am working on another workshop which will cover Yes, so, so much of what we've spoken about here today, but really looking at how we contend to our own emotional needs alongside that of our of our children. Because, yeah, I feel like that's their the the two pieces that go so beautifully together. So yeah, thank you.

Shelley Clarke  1:09:58  
Awesome. Thanks. so much. And even just from our, even just from the chat the other day where the very first, I'm just gonna say, like I haven't had been in a space with you in terms of holding space, but I know it will be beautiful. And so if a parent or a mother, if you're listening and really would like some more support, then then don't hesitate to give Emily a, you know, email or message or reach out because just the other day when we were take one of our podcast, even just that beautiful support that you offered me, when I was like, dammit, I really wanted this to work. And I got a bit teary, because I was like, Oh, I feel like my business is always being put at the bottom of the pile with kids. And you just was so beautiful. And you know, I think it's, yeah, it's, it's lovely to be in your presence. And so I will really encourage anyone listening that wants to come and have some sessions with you to do

Speaker 2  1:11:05  
that. No, thank you so much, really? Well, it's such an honour to be in your space as well. And yeah, just for this opportunity, I just love. I love what you do, and supporting other other women in business as well, too. Yeah, as you said the other day, like the more people, you know, that we can support, the better we all need, as elite,

Shelley Clarke  1:11:28  
we do. And it is I did say that to the other day that one of my passions is supporting other women. So that's why I love having conversations with people that are doing this similar work, and wanting them to share their offerings. And, you know, we'll put everything in the show notes so that people can contact you. Because, you know, there are so many parents out there in the world. And we all need support. We all need emotional support in some way. And especially if we're trying to pair it in this way. So the more of us doing this work the you know, and having that same vision for children and for the future, then the better. So I'm glad that I can have people on this podcast to share and promote and, you know, share your offerings, because that's a big part of supporting each other. So thank you so much for coming on. It's been delightful, and we'll speak to you soon.

Speaker 2  1:12:26  
Thanks, Shelley. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you.

Shelley Clarke  1:12:29  
Thank you for listening. This episode was brought to you by 21 days of play my self paced course to help bring more play into your everyday. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings and to continue the conversation. You can connect with me on Instagram and Facebook @_shelleyclarke_. If you'd like to keep in the loop for all my resources and offerings as they happen, you can join my mailing list at www.shelleyclarke.com Thank you for all you're doing. Your parenting is important and powerful. Have a lovely day. Bye for now.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai